Well, if we're facing a largely General Hospital-free week due to wild card baseball playoffs, I guess we can at least be grateful that last week's episodes included some semi-significant movement in a few ongoing stories. I'm not sure whether we'll have a Critical Diagnosis next week — we'll have to wait and see how much there is to discuss after MLB does its pre-emptive thing. In the meantime, here's what happened in Port Charles (and, uh, Somalia) last week.
Out of Africa, or: Holly in the Sky with Diamonds
A number of us have dunked on GH for the way they've lamely parceled out glimpses of Lucky — largely doing nothing interesting — since his latest return kicked off, but in fairness, at least they aren't doing the type of thing they used to do in the bad old days, when a character would come back but you'd only see them from behind, or get a glimpse of their arm or whatever, for the first few weeks. I've mostly blocked it from my brain, but I have a dim memory of Brenda coming back in the early aughts, and spending what felt like six months as an unseen woman on Alcazar's boat. When Frisco returned in '89, I remember something similar — you saw some guy busting out of prison, then you saw a picture of Felicia in his lap on the plane, blah blah blah.
At least this isn't that.
That said, I think we can all agree that this story has been pretty badly miscalculated from the start. For one thing, there really aren't any stakes — we all knew from the beginning that Lucky wasn't going to die in Sidwell's camp, which fatally undermined all of Sidwell's threats to kill him. We also knew Lulu wasn't going to die, so the whole "race against time" angle fell flat as well. I love a good GH caper as much as anybody, and there's always the possibility of fun sparks striking when Finola Hughes and Emma Samms are being properly utilized, but none of this has worked the way it was supposed to, and because of the way Lucky's screen time has been dispensed a few drips at a time, it's felt like even more of a silly slog.
Good news, though: Lucky, Holly, Jason, and Anna all managed to make their way to a WSB jet and safely enter international airspace last week. We're only getting two or three episodes in the week to come, so his homecoming won't really get rolling for a little while, but at the very least, we don't have to watch him sitting around playing cards with Sidwell anymore. At least not until Sidwell and his goons make their way to Port Charles, anyway.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Although we didn't see Lucky until midweek, his pending return still managed to take up most of the show's storytelling oxygen, starting on Monday, when Brennan popped by Robert's office to find DA Scorpio sharing some Chinese food with Felicia. He'd been summoned by Robert, who wanted information regarding Anna and Jason's African adventure; naturally, he didn't really have anything to share, which made his visit kind of pointless aside from Felicia getting a little snarky with him over the Bureau's treatment of Frisco. (Between this scene and a conversation Felicia later had with Elizabeth regarding their pasts with deadbeat ex-husbands, Frisco was mentioned suspiciously often last week — I wonder if perhaps Jack Wagner might be taking a break from liking Kevin Sorbo and Candace Owens tweets and bringing his best-known character back to town.)
From there, Brennan headed to Bobbie's, where he shared a few morsels of information with Carly, but he was really just there to flirt with her. The one truly noteworthy moment came when Brennan told Carly that Sidwell was traveling with a female companion that the WSB didn't recognize, which is absolutely fucking preposterous — even if you're willing to believe that her long connection to Robert wouldn't make Holly instantly known, there's also the fact that she's been tied up in some fairly high-profile scams and cons over the years, some of which have been relatively recent.
ANYWAY. It was Wednesday before we finally got back to Sidwell's camp, where he was ranting and raving about finding out why Anna and Jason were really there, and yelling at Holly about how she was clearly connected with them, and deciding that everyone's fate would be decided by (deep, deep sigh) another game of cards. If Lucky won the hand, then he and Holly would live; if Jason won, then he and Anna would live. And if Sidwell won? "YOU ALL DIE!"
I won't bore you with the details. Knowing Lucky had to make it back to Port Charles to save Lulu, Jason folded, which meant he was taken back to a cell with Anna. Holly was brought to the poker room, where she stole Sidwell's gun and pointed it at him long enough for Lucky to free himself using the key he swiped from one of the guards — and then like a perfect dumbass, she took her eyes off Sidwell, who slapped the gun out of her hand, leading to a scuffle between Lucky and Sidwell that ended with Holly running away and Lucky being choked out on the table.
While all that was going on, a frantic, weepy Anna tried to use a pin to pick Jason's handcuffs, but she couldn't do it. The writing for Anna has been… dodgy for the last few years, but this bit was truly offensive — the idea that Anna Devane would lose her composure in this type of situation, and need Jason Morgan of all people to calm her down, betrays a fundamental lack of understanding of the character.
And then? Then they kissed.
Whatever else it was, this was a weird moment — it wasn't the slightest bit romantic, first of all, and they got into hand-to-hand combat with the prison guards seconds later, so it still hasn't been discussed, and we have no idea what either of them were thinking. I also have no idea what the writers were thinking. Anna and Jason can be a fun pair, but I don't think there's a single romantic spark between them; for me, their appeal rests mainly on the fact that he respects her enough to sit and listen when she chides him for spending his life doing illegal things for a mobster. I also don't think Steve Burton is effective as a romantic lead, so I don't really have any interest in seeing Jason fall in love with anyone, with the noted but ultimately super temporary exception of Britt. To me, this smacks of the type of writerly desperation that results when characters don't really have any viable romantic options on the canvas.
But we'll have to wait and see what the plans are there, because Anna and Jason went directly from locking lips to being led into the courtyard of Sidwell's camp, where a few of his goons were just about to shoot them when the WSB bombed the compound, throwing everyone to the ground, killing one mercenary, and sending the others running for their lives. Anna and Jason were, of course, unharmed; after relieving the dead guy of his keys and weapons, they ran back into the building, knocked out Sidwell, grabbed Lucky, and went back outside, where Holly roared up in a stolen Jeep just in the nick of time.
If I'm being cynical, I'd guess that the WSB bombing was a network note; writing the One Life to Live book taught me how horny ABC execs get for explosions. Otherwise, I can't really see any point. Historically, the Bureau isn't really a paramilitary organization — they do what they do via old-fashioned subterfuge, not by sending in heavy artillery. Of course, the Holly we knew in the '80s wouldn't have let Luke's kid rot in the death grip of a strip-mining warlord just for the sake of a few diamonds, either. Complaining about people and things being written out of character is often a lost cause in the daytime of 2024, so I guess there's no point in belaboring that, but for me, it's all part of what made this whole thing such a puzzling and largely lackluster missed opportunity. The sole bright spot so far has been the introduction of Isaiah, and even that guy hasn't had an opportunity to do much besides sit in a hospital bed and be brought food by Jordan. (There are far worse fates in life, but still.)
Okay, so, to recap: Our heroes were able to flee Sidwell's camp thanks to last-minute intervention by the WSB and they're on their way to Port Charles. Sidwell is already in pursuit because Holly stole his diamonds, which she's hiding in her purse unbeknownst to her travel companions. Lulu is "running out of time." And Lucky, upon hearing about his sister's failing health, used the plane phone to place a call to General Hospital, which was answered by Elizabeth — who had just finished telling Felicia that she and Lucky are completely and officially donezo as a romantic couple. Cue the starry-eyed splitscreen and cut to the closing credits!
A Dog's Breakfast
The other big story of the moment continues to be the fallout from Sonny murdering Jagger without a pre-existing alibi or any real plan. Alexis has been charged with the crime, denied bail, and remanded to Pentonville, where she's sharing a cell with Heather because it's a soap and you can't have two people in the same prison without having them cross paths all the time. Sonny, meanwhile, has hired Martin to represent Alexis as part of his alleged mission to make sure she doesn't spend "one more minute" in jail, even though if he really meant it, he'd confess to the crime he himself committed. And Martin, solid lawyer that he is, has speedily deduced that if Alexis isn't willing to tell the truth about where she found the gun and why she tossed it off a bridge, her next best bet for a defense is to point the cops in Sonny's direction.
Alexis reacted to Martin's bid for a change in strategy by spewing nonsense, telling him that he couldn't go after Sonny because Kristina would incriminate herself to protect either of her parents. The narrative around Kristina is increasingly ridiculous — everyone in town is treating her like a fragile flower — but Alexis' counter-argument is doubly dumb because Alexis is also one of Kristina's parents, and she was talked out of incriminating herself to protect Alexis fairly easily. It's a soap, so nothing is supposed to happen easily, but this conversation — well-acted as it was — is a great example of how poorly a show can handle the traditional "I'm going to do this very sensible thing" vs. "But you can't, and here's why!" dynamic.
The writers really have their work cut out for them here, but they're also the ones who decided that Sonny should murder Jagger in cold blood, so I have no sympathy for them. I also have an infinitesimal amount of patience for the foolishness they've wrought. There's simply nothing redeeming this storyline right now.
We're supposed to feel stakes, which hinges on caring about whether or not Sonny goes to prison — but what he did was so disgusting that he's absolutely no kind of protagonist here, no matter how desperately they try to pretend that Jagger did anything to provoke being shot in the chest and head. We're supposed to care about whether Alexis is found guilty of a murder she didn't commit, or whether Kristina will be arrested and fall to postpartum PTSD pieces, but those are both non-starters as well; the cops have no case against Alexis, and Kristina is currently giving Sonny a run for his money as the least sympathetic character on the show. I only want to see Sonny convicted and Kristina sent offscreen for a long while — and also maybe Alexis busting out of the hoosegow with Heather for a Thelma & Louise-style adventure. Until any of those things happen, this storyline can go to hell.
Unfortunately, I don't think it's going there anytime soon. Last week, Chase visited Kristina at her apartment, catching her in the midst of a chat with Dante; when she told Dante she'd be fine alone with Chase, he left, but called Diane and told her what was going on. Diane rushed over to thwart Chase, but she arrived too late to stop Kristina — who is a moron — from blundering into the trap she set for herself when she said she drove to the cemetery the night Jagger died. How did it happen? Simple: Chase finally thought to ask her how she got there, a question she's unable to answer honestly due to the fact that she took Alexis' car. Instead, she panicked and said she couldn't remember. She later tried covering up by saying she thought she called for a car, but that'll be very easy to disprove.
Brain synapses still firing, Chase quickly deduced that Diane was sent by Dante — and then he called him on it, heading to the hospital so he could lay down the law and warn his partner that if he interfered with an investigation again, he'd be reported. Chase is right, of course, and Dante is dead wrong — and if this storyline ends up turning Dante into a shitty cop, I'm going to be extremely upset.
The sole saving grace, IMO, is Kristen Vaganos' Molly, who has truly come into her own during this debacle. I am admittedly not super invested in the whole "Molly and TJ's marriage falls apart because they're both very sad" angle that seems to be developing, but this version of Molly is tough, smart, and capable, and also able to fit right in at the Brown Dog, where she was chem-tested again with Dex last week while knocking back bourbon in her ADA duds. If those two end up knocking boots, I'm not going to be mad about it; Molly is a more sensible option for Dexuardo than Joss will ever be, and even though this story has turned TJ into a lunatic, there's still real feeling and a lot of history between those characters, and a breakup would produce some solid material. Maybe Dex will give Molly a miracle baby that serves as the spark for his father's arrival.
Okay, so in summary, here's where we are: Sonny and Carly are still pretending to be "together," but resisting Diane's insistence that they actually move in together to preserve the illusion. This charade is supposed to be creating drama between Sonny/Natalia and Carly/Brennan, but neither of those pairings have gotten far enough to matter, so all we're left with is the revolting sight of Sonny and Carly going through the motions of their umpteenth reunion. Diane told Kristina that although she screwed up when she blabbed to Chase, anything she told him is inadmissible in court — but it still can (and probably will) end up coming back to bite her. Alexis has told Martin to find one of Jagger's many enemies and build a case against that poor rando, but Martin definitely looks like he's more inclined to take aim at Sonny.
And then there's Heather, who I guess is part of this story now by virtue of bunking with Alexis, so I suppose I might as well mention that we now know for a fact that Portia tampered with her test results — an event we saw via flashback as Portia was in the middle of telling Trina that there's just as much cobalt in Heather's blood as there ever was. Of course, Portia doesn't know that Ric and Elizabeth are already well aware of the discrepancy in those results, but she does know that Brad was hired to work in the lab, and she was pretty shitty to Terry about it when she found out.
Given the news that we're about to get a recast Lucas, it seems more and more likely that Portia will pin her dirty deeds on Brad, which strikes me as an awfully unkind thing to do to both characters — Brad has been through enough of this kind of thing, and I don't know how Portia can come back from it. Equally importantly, I don't know how she comes back from the shrill, judgmental corner she's been written into, which is a rotten shame; she wasn't always like this, and she never needed to be. She easily could have offered a valid argument against Heather's release without making every person in her life look at her like "...oooookay, crazy lady."
Also, wouldn't the hospital's database keep track of revisions to patient records and who made them? No wonder this place is in danger of being shut down every few years.
Everything I Drew (I Drew It for You)
Last and also least, I bring you the latest developments from Quartermaine Quorner, where Ned is suddenly fighting with Drew and Michael again while the truth of Drew's willies-inducing smooches with Willow inches closer to coming out. There isn't a lot of meat on that bone this week, but it's too much for a bullet, so here we go.
On the business side of things, Drew is mad at Ned for throwing in with Valentin in the first place, and he wants Michael to be the new CEO of ELQ after the board has done what it needs to do to remove Valentin from power. Ned, of course, thinks he should be CEO instead of Michael; fortunately for him, their argument was short-circuited when Michael and Willow walked in. Willow, seeing Drew, hightailed it out of the room and over to the boathouse; moments later, Drew pretended he had some campaign business to take care of and followed her out there. To her credit, Willow was fairly forceful in her rejection of his advances, reiterating that hooking up with him makes her feel lousy and she's trying to stay away from him as much as she can, and then asking him to respect her by keeping his distance. He finally seemed to hear her, nodding lamely and walking away.
It may be too little, too late, however. Back in the main house, Ned and Michael had a relatively civilized discussion that centered somewhat bizarrely on Drew, specifically Ned's assertion that Drew is untrustworthy and that "He is out for himself and he's going to take what he wants." I don't remember Ned ever feeling this strongly about Drew's character, and neither did Michael, but the past doesn't matter now — what's important is that Ned vocalized his suspicions of Drew mere minutes before he was conveniently left alone with James for a few minutes, during which time James decided to tell Ned all about the time he heard Willow telling Aunt Nina that kissing Drew made her feel guilty.
The traditionally soapy play here would be for Ned to confront Drew, Drew to offer Ned his support for CEO if he agrees to keep his mouth shut, and then both of them looking like creeps when the truth inevitably comes out. I still think that's probably what's about to happen, although in this particular case, I think that's kind of dumb — if James blabbed to Ned about what he heard, there's no reason he won't end up telling someone else, which makes that information bad blackmail fodder and a very rickety foundation for any kind of scheme.
Okay, I've gone on long enough. Time for your bullets!
- Elizabeth told Terry that Steven Lars has been released from prison and he's now living in Sedona
- Sam very correctly read Carly the riot act for refusing to clear Alexis AND being selfish enough to ask Jason to go to Africa and risk his life rescuing Lucky
- Jordan asked Alexis if she'd been planning to help Kristina take Irene from Molly and TJ; Alexis explained that she wasn't about to do any such thing
- Sonny told Kristina that it's okay that she planned to murder Jagger because she was in the midst of a mental health episode
- Jordan shared her grief over Irene's death with Isaiah
- After a gentle reprimand from Stella, Tracy apologized to Cody and Sasha for overreacting
- Lucy tried to reconnect with Martin, who told her he has no interest in seeing or speaking with her, all while an amused Tracy pretended to look at her phone
- Robert and Diane are apparently still dating
- Brennan got an assistant or something and her name is Colette
- Gio and Brook Lynn had a long talk about how Gio's mom used to make pignoli cookies that were so delicious that he fought a kid who made fun of them
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