Maybe it's just my mood today, but I feel like I'm really running out of ways to introduce this column without harping on the same stuff over and over. If I'm getting tired of my own ranting, then I have no right to expect anyone else to be entertained by it, so I'll dispense with a lot of preamble this week and simply dive into the details of what happened on General Hospital last week. The short version: This show is still jumbled as hell, very little of what happens feels like it's part of any long-term plan, and overall, it's hard to get excited about where any of these stories are going. And yet, in spite of itself, it's often entertaining enough to stick with from moment to moment.
Even shorter version: As sloppy as it is lately, GH still has the potential for greatness. If only it'd tap into it.
It's the End of the Line, Old Friend
Valentin has been on the run for months. With that kind of buildup, you'd be justified in expecting his return to be exciting or impactful or something other than a couple days' worth of nonsense, but a couple days' worth of nonsense was all we ended up getting. I love James Patrick Stuart as Valentin — especially when he's in DGAF mode — so there's only so much I can really complain whenever he's onscreen, but this whole return felt chaotic and rushed. It feels like he's about to be ushered off-canvas again, and if that's the case, I guess all this happened for no reason other than to reunite Charlotte with Lulu. Yay?
As we saw at the end of the previous week, Valentin sneaked back to Port Charles and made a beeline for the Metro Court, where his black hoodie was apparently all the disguise he needed in order to sail past the front desk, make his way up to Brennan's room, and put a poisoned bottle of champagne outside the door. He wasn't counting on Carly being there, but he didn't seem too upset when he realized she was the one who poured herself the first glass; after hearing her thump to the floor and listening to Brennan freaking out, he shrugged and disappeared into the night.
At first, I assumed he was going back on the run again, but no — instead, he went to Sonny's house, where he slipped past security without any problem and grabbed his stash of cash and passports, which was conveniently left in a conspicuous box sitting next to the fireplace. Before he could empty it, however, Sonny got the drop on him, aiming a gun at his chest and asking him if he forgot something. It looked as silly onscreen as it does written out, but it had to happen for a few reasons: One, Valentin and Sonny were finally able to have it out over Valentin tampering with Sonny's bipolar meds; two, the writers were able to insert a little All My Children inside joke by showing fake passports for "Will Cortlandt" and "Melanie Cortlandt"; three, it set up the next tiresome chapter in the ongoing saga of Everyone's Out to Get Sonny.
In order to get out alive, you see, Valentin told Sonny he knows who planted the bomb in his penthouse: A hitman named… Solesky? Soliski? I haven't seen it spelled by a solid outlet yet, but you don't need to know how to spell this person's name to know it's all leading to a place we've already been so very, very, very many times before. I can't conceive of a single way the writers could possibly make this looming conflict feel fresh. Prove me wrong, writers! I beg you!
Anyway, after Valentin left Sonny's — without his passports and cash — he once again neglected to go back on the run. Instead, he went to Laura's apartment, where he thought about knocking, changed his mind and decided to break in, and was caught by Laura. Soaps are all about suspending disbelief, but the writers really make it hard to play along when they do stuff like this. We're supposed to believe that Valentin has spent months outwitting every intelligence agency in the world, but then we watch him bumble his way around like an amateur, and none of it adds up. Nor did Valentin's stated reason for stopping by, which was to say goodbye to Charlotte — someone he'd just said goodbye to a day or two before. It was all moot anyway, because Charlotte was with Rocco at the Quartermaine mansion; Valentin's consolation prize was standing in Laura's living room and getting an earful of hooey from the mayor and her daughter. Once again, he hit the road empty-handed.
By now, however, time was quickly running out for Mr. Cassadine, on account of the fact that he'd poisoned Carly, who hovered between life and death while Brennan barked orders at WSB agents who were tasked with identifying the poison. After finding out it was polonium, he told Anna, who called Robin and put her on the phone with Isaiah so she could teach him how to synthesize the antidote. (They don't put stuff like this in binders? Or the GH database? Seems like it could be helpful.) With Carly in good hands, Brennan acted on a tip from Sonny, who told him Valentin was waiting on a ferry at Pier 55 — and he was followed by Anna, who wanted to prevent him from killing Valentin, as well as Jason, who'd been tasked by Sonny with making sure Brennan did kill Valentin.
What happened next was a giant waste of time involving a lot of standing around and waving guns on a public pier. Here's what you need to know: Anna eventually convinced Brennan to let her bring Valentin in unharmed. (Also, prior to that, we were treated to a genuinely humorous moment when Valentin realized Brennan had fallen in love with Carly and laughed in his face while Jason lurked in the shadows, looking annoyed.)
After he was brought into the station, Valentin received a visit from Jason, who demanded all the information he had on Brennan, and refused Valentin's request that he break him out in exchange. Instead, Valentin settled for a vague promise of a future favor, and served up a brief but colorful info dump that included some speculation regarding Brennan's actual status at the WSB. (As he pointed out, lowly station chiefs aren't typically powerful enough to authorize drone strikes on foreign soil; maybe, just maybe, Brennan's really still the head of the Bureau.) As a parting shot, Valentin warned Jason that Brennan always gets what he wants, so if he wants Carly, he'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Carly, meanwhile, spent the week in a hospital bed, being yelled at by a string of well-wishers who tried in vain to make her see that dating Brennan will be bad for her health. On one hand, duh; on the other hand, this is a woman who was shot in the goddamn head by the guy she married 19 times, so it's all sorts of stupid to waste any screentime on forcing poor Felicia to act like Sonny is somehow less of a problem. The worst part of it all is that Chris McKenna's Brennan is such a dud — he's completely lacking the twinkling charm that made Charles Mesure's version of the character so much fun, and also remotely believable as a match for Carly. Mesure might have been able to make a purse out of the sow's ear of a scene that had Brennan quietly sobbing next to Carly's bed and saying "I do have a heart… and it's all yours," but McKenna could not. I seriously can't imagine ever caring about this couple even a little bit.
Going Back to Bensonhurst, Stylin', Profilin'
The Gio storyline continued to eat screentime last week, and once again, most of that time was spent on characters standing around yelling at each other and accomplishing nothing. Most, but not all: After realizing she was being hypocritical for getting upset about Lois and Gloria sharing information about her baby behind her back, Brook Lynn finally told Chase that Dante is the father. In response, Chase — who might be the most consistently written character on the show right now, even if he's rarely interesting — was briefly upset, but quickly understood her reasons for keeping quiet for so long, and even came around to agreeing to go on keeping it a secret from Dante.
The most relatable part of Chase's response was his extreme annoyance with Lulu. After wrapping up his conversation with Brook Lynn, he stormed over to Laura's apartment, where he found Lulu, told her what he knew, and ordered her to keep her big stupid mouth shut. True to form, she asked him what he was going to do about it if she didn't, at which point he threatened to have her arrested for breaking into Martin's hotel room. Her excuse: "He's my uncle."
Oh. Well, then. Okay.
Also, Lois has decided to pack her things and "go back to Bensonhurst for a bit." This seems like kind of a weak way to respond to your daughter's justifiable anger, and I don't know how relocating will jibe with Lois' responsibilities as the face of Deception or whatever, but Brook Lynn signed off on it and her granny is in charge of the company, so I guess all's well.
That's basically all the big stuff, believe it or not. Here come your bullets!
- Trina told Kai about Spencer and Esme, and he responded like a mature adult, basically telling her he's happy to hear about all parts of her life
- Through desperately convoluted means, Tracy had Martin extradited to California by a federal marshal for failure to report income less than a week after it had been generated
- Lucas and Marco traded numbers after Lucas barfed on him in the elevator; a heartbroken Brad saw Marco leave Lucas' hotel room
- Decked out in her new WSB trainee sweatshirt, Joss bickered with Vaughn some more about whether she's cut out for life as an agent
- Lulu told Dante she wants Rocco to move in with her
- Sasha asked Jason to have her baby's sonogram delivered to Michael, which will definitely not go horribly wrong
- Willow remained determined to move in with Drew, even after Nina offered to buy her a whole damn house of her own
- Ava was horrified to discover that Nina's loan isn't enough to lift her out of poverty
- Cody was arrested for stealing his own car
- Sonny and Laura rekindled their friendship with a truly revolting conversation about how proud of him she is
- Kristina continued going insane while Lucky urged her to let go of her vendetta against Ava for "Adela's" sake
- Kai took part in Drew's big press conference for the pediatric sports program at GH
- Portia pulled Drew's patient file and intimated to Ava that she might have something on him; meanwhile, Nina broke into Drew's safe in search of incriminating information
- We met Ezra Boyle, a city councilman who's apparently "gunning for Laura"
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