Against all odds, General Hospital's recent hot streak continued last week. It does feel like the writers are letting off the gas a little — and that was always bound to happen eventually, otherwise Port Charles would be on fire by now — but things are still moving at a pretty good clip, and we're seeing what appears to be genuine progress in multiple storylines. As the mighty Wubs noted in her (wonderful as always) column this week, the downside to all this motion is that it's creating a vacuum, and we're probably due for a significant dull stretch once the current excitement is over and the writers have to get the next set of stories up to speed. That's rookie showrunning, and we'll all have every right to complain when the show cools off. For the moment, though? Plenty of reasons to tune in.
Lucky Runs Out
Let's start with the week's most positive development, which is that after taking up space on the canvas, chewing up a not-inconsiderable amount of the show's dwindling budget, and adding virtually nothing of any importance, Jonathan Jackson's Lucky has once again taken his canvas jacket and departed. In the end, his exit was just as dull and senseless as everything else he did during his latest stint — he proposed to Elizabeth, she said no, and he immediately went from insisting he was "in it for the long haul" to saying it would hurt too much for him to stay in Port Charles and be friends with his ex-wife.
This all happened so abruptly that I'm inclined to believe Jackson bailed pretty quickly and the writers were forced to scramble. Beat for beat, it was essentially a repeat of what happened the last time Frisco was in town — he showed up acting like he'd be around forever, said all the right things about wanting to build a relationship with the child he'd long neglected, and then instantly disappeared after Felicia rejected his marriage proposal. This kind of exit doesn't do any character any favors, but I suppose Lucky — like Frisco before him — has been so thoroughly ruined that it no longer really matters what he does.
Which is a lesson that I hope GH has finally learned. Jackson's latest return was clearly a stunt devised as a desperate bid to lure back lapsed viewers, but it was doomed from the start — not just because Jackson's contract let him split his time between Nashville and Los Angeles, thereby keeping Lucky offscreen for long stretches, but also because there was clearly never any real plan for the character beyond having him slouch around town pining for Elizabeth. I don't care how much residual affection you still have for that couple; this was not good television. The one and only good thing about Lucky's latest return is that he brought Isaiah with him, but that's an extremely minor caveat at the moment, because it's been a long time since the writers cared enough about Isaiah to use him for much of anything at all.
Anyway, Lucky and Aiden are off to travel the world together for the summer, but only after one last fakeout designed to make the most easily duped viewers think Elizabeth was going to drop everything and join them. How is Lucky paying for this? When will we see Aiden again? Will Jackson make good on his threat to return again? These are all questions for another week. For now, I'm just glad that I don't have to watch Lucky and Elizabeth dancing anymore, and hopeful that this means some budget's been freed up to keep Rick Hearst around — and keep him busier — for a long, long time.
Can't Kai Me Love
I haven't talked much about the Trina/Kai romance, because it's boring as hell and there really hasn't been a lot to say. But I feel bad about that: Trina is a dynamic character who deserves better than to be shackled to a guy who's allergic to drama, and I'm pausing here for a minute to make that point one more time.
Now, to be fair, daytime drama is largely driven by couples, so even though GH has been pretty awful at building and maintaining love stories in recent years, I can understand why the writers might have been inclined to rush Trina into another pairing once she'd dealt with her grief following Spencer's passing. (She dealt with it largely offscreen, which is another bone of contention, but let's move on.) I'm being charitable with this possible explanation for the way Trina and Kai came together, but regardless of the motivation, not one single thing has worked. And it's true that Jens Austin Astrup remains somewhat wooden as a screen presence, but he isn't the main problem here. While a more seasoned actor might be able to give this stuff extra layers, it's still fundamentally unsound. Every step of Kai and Trina's journey has been the hackneyed stuff of downmarket romance novels, and nothing they've done together has amounted to anything — up to and including the risky surgery that turned out so well that Kai was able to hit the sheets with Trina like five hours after demanding a quick release from the hospital.
Of course, plenty of soap stories demand suspension of disbelief. The biggest problem — for me, anyway — is that all Trina ever does anymore is talk about Kai, and it positively reeks of desperation on the part of the writers. It feels like they think we'll start to care about this relationship if Trina just spends enough time talking about it, and they could not be more wrong. All they're doing is continuing to abuse a character who has more than proven she deserves to be one of GH's young leads, and this was further driven home for me last week when Trina and Ava (finally!) shared a shift at the gallery.
These are two of the most possibility-rich characters on the canvas, with a unique friendship that's been buffeted by plenty of drama. They work together at Ava's art gallery, a setting that's full of soapy possibilities. I mean, why do you think so many soap characters are involved in the art world? It's because no one on the planet understands how the business works, but they all know lots of money is involved, and there's also plenty of potential for stories of theft and espionage. So why in the hell haven't Trina and Ava gotten mixed up in some shady Jerome Gallery business? Now that Ava's rolling in clover thanks to blackmailing Alexis, it'd be so easy to set up a summer caper for her and her favorite employee. Instead, they spent an entire episode sitting around talking about Kai and Ric, which not only failed the Bechdel Test, but failed to be the slightest bit interesting at any point along the way.
I will admit I was gratified when Kai went to Trina and told her he heard Curtis talking to Portia about needing to find Jacinda in order to eliminate the danger Drew posed to them. But even if these two end up playing detective and unearthing all of Drew's dirty deeds, it still won't be enough to make them interesting. There's no spark, no chemistry, and no stakes. This is a failed experiment that needs to end pronto, and Trina needs to be treated as the front-burner, story-driving character she truly is. (This goes for Ava, too — I don't want or need to see her getting insecure over her fuck-buddy relationship with Ric. She's WAY too good for that. But we'll get to that in a little bit.)
Natalia Blows
Just when we thought she might have been shoved off the canvas, Natalia returned last week, showing up at the Metro Court pool and trying to connect with Marco. His loudly expressed lack of interest was the only excuse she needed to house a few vodka sodas, leave Sidwell a threatening voicemail, and get behind the wheel of her car, only to end up being pulled over for driving under the influence. (Yelling "I'm wearing a white dress" at the arresting officer was a funny touch that seems likely to have been a middle finger from the show to Haley Pullos.)
So off to the hoosegow she went, where she became an immediate source of interest for ADA Turner, who took over the case almost the instant Molly recused herself due to a conflict of interest. Seeing an opportunity to stick it to Sonny, Turner reminded Natalia that she'd been busted for DUI before, and in order to avoid a felony conviction carrying up to a five-year prison sentence, she'd need to play ball with the district attorney's office — specifically by supplying the financial data behind Sonny's investment in Deception, which apparently contains "discrepancies," and which she apparently also kept on her personal computer even after losing her job.
Yes, friends, we're back in this place again. I guess the wrinkle this time is that Sonny's never even had sex with the woman who's being used to try and send him to prison, but no matter what the writers try to do here, there's no getting around the fact that GH has already told this story with Sonny. Again and again. Countless times. I've read rumors suggesting that Natalia and Sonny will get married to keep her from testifying against him, but for now, he's trying to fix the problem by sending her to Belize. She doesn't like this idea, because who'd want to live in Belize if they could stay in upstate New York in a town where no one likes them?
I'm sure other developments are lurking just around the corner. I'm also sure they will be dumb. This entire sad affair is just the latest admission that there are zero stories left to tell for Sonny as long as he stays in the mob. For years now, his most interesting moments have come when he's just being a friend or parent/grandparent/etc.; we're long past the point where the show desperately needs to acknowledge that a change is necessary.
In the meantime, here's where we are: Natalia scurried to Sonny and told him about the deal Turner offered in exchange for the information he didn't know she had. Instead of shooting her in the head for telling Turner she had anything at all, Sonny told her he'd take care of it. After telling Jason that their "money guy screwed up," and whispering that he couldn't let Natalia take Turner's deal, he dangled the Belize option in front of her, at which point she whined about having to sacrifice her future in order to preserve his. Before that meeting with Sonny, Natalia also met with Marco, who urged her not to take Turner's deal until he had a chance to look it over; he also asked her if Sonny knew about the deal, and she lied and said no.
I have nothing good to say about any of this. I only hope it's over quickly.
Ava Is a Raccoon
Okay, getting back to what I was saying a few paragraphs ago about Ava being better than some tired-ass story about her insecurity over some guy. (Granted, the guy in question is Ric, who isn't just "some guy," but still.) Remember a couple of weeks ago, when Alexis told Kristina and Lucky that her best option for breaking Ric and Ava's blackmail would be to turn them against each other? Well, Kristina happened to spot Cody talking with Ava at the Metro Court pool, and that was all it took for her to hatch her latest risky scheme: Hiring Cody to seduce Ava away from Ric.
Because Cody is always looking for a fun way to make a buck, he said yes; because Kristina is deeply delusional, she then sauntered into Alexis' office and proudly announced she'd figured out a way to solve their "Ava problem." Alexis was appalled, naturally, and pointed out all the various ways in which Kristina's plan could backfire, but Kristina wasn't hearing any of it — even after Cody did a little background research and realized he could very well end up dead for angering Ava, and demanded "hazard pay" on top of the money they'd already agreed on.
We know Ava has a thing for younger guys who might not be all that bright, so it isn't a stretch to imagine she'd be susceptible to Cody's charms — and Maura West has chemistry with everyone on Earth, so I think there's a decent possibility that Ava and Cody could be fun to watch. There's something tiresome, though, about Kristina's feud with Ava, and I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that Kristina is a vengeful little idiot who doesn't have the brain synapses to cook up a successful scheme. Cutting a car's brake lines? Hiring a spite gigolo? These are not the actions of a foe who's even the slightest bit worthy of tangling with Ava Jerome.
Now that Lucky's gone and Charlie's is down a bartender, Kristina should just disappear behind the bar for a couple of years. Let Alexis feud with Ava; they're a much more even match, and they both deserve more screentime. This Kristina is a bust who needs to fade away.
I'm Not Sorry… and I Never Will Be
Speaking of busts, the current version of Lulu gets more unlikable by the day. It's gotten to the point where I can't understand what the writers are thinking — hero or villain, any good character has some semblance of a relatable point of view, but Lulu is just a horrible (and horribly self-righteous) person.
I assume that at least part of Lulu's descent into fast-forward-worthy status has to do with the rivalry between her and Brook Lynn, which the writers seem to be interested in taking to the next level. Last week Brook Lynn met with Marco, and heavily alluded to making plans to sue Lulu; at the very least, she's come out of the Gio debacle with every intention of making her pay, despite Tracy's warnings regarding the emotional toll of a life spent seeking retribution.
Both of these characters are so wired into the canvas that it could be a lot of fun to watch them duke it out, trading the upper hand for years along the way. The problem is Lulu. Before the truth came out, she agonized over whether to tell Dante, but now that everyone knows who Gio's parents really are, she's curdled into an unrepentant shrew. When Maxie tried getting her to see reason, Lulu loudly insisted she'd done absolutely nothing wrong — and when Maxie tricked Brook Lynn and Lulu into being in the same room so they could settle their differences, Lulu made it even worse. Brook Lynn listened to Maxie's pleas for forgiveness, begrudgingly telling Lulu that she was prepared to accept her apology, but Lulu tinkled all over that olive branch, defiantly saying that while she might owe one to Gio, she wasn't sorry for anything she'd done to Brook Lynn, and never would be.
Once again: This should be fun to watch. Feuds and rivalries are the stuff of classic soaps, and these characters are the right age to pick up the mantle from the great haters of GH's storied past. But Lulu is so far in the wrong here, and so unwilling to concede any ground to anyone, that instead of watching a title fight in the making, we're just watching someone being pushed to their limit by a nosy asshole who has no leg to stand on. Compounding this ridiculous unforced error is the fact that the writers have had Brook Lynn and Lulu both talking in circles for weeks, having the same damn conversations over and over. I still think they could potentially turn this sow's ear into a silk purse, but it'll take time — and the effort required to turn Lulu back into a recognizable character.
Chase and Dante, meanwhile, are on the verge of severing their friendship. Dante rolled into work last week, less than thrilled about sitting across the desk from Chase; his irritation boiled over into anger when he found out he'd been forbidden from working Natalia's case due to his relationship with Sonny. He barged into Anna's office to complain, making enough snarky comments about Chase in the process that she told him he needed to leave his personal stuff at home. She also tried getting him to understand the other side by talking about the way she hid Robin from Robert, and praising Robert for making an effort to leave the past in the past — and she made some good points, which Dante was willing to concede, but when he went back to the desk, it still took about a minute for him and Chase to start yelling at each other. This will spill over into the week to come, and regardless of how quickly it ends, it'll still serve as a better example of how you write a soap fight: Take characters with opposing but defensible points of view, put them at odds, rinse, repeat.
Weeping Willow
Finally, we have the latest developments in the escalating war between Drew and… pretty much everyone in town, really. The biggest deal was the judge's decision in the custody hearing, which granted Michael full custody of Wiley and Amelia. This wasn't the outcome Michael was expecting — as Diane reminded him, the woman he had an affair with gave birth in the courtroom — and in order to hedge his bets, he had Jason fuel up the Corinthos jet so he could spirit the kids away if things didn't go his way. (Carly, who was loudly opposed to this plan, turned out to be the shrieking voice of reason for a change.)
If Michael was surprised by the judge's decision, Willow was full-on shell-shocked — to the point that she sat in stunned silence for a few moments before melting down, sobbing and yelling at the judge. When that didn't work, she tried appealing to Michael, who simply turned and walked away; at this point, she mumbled something to Drew about how he promised her she'd win, fainted in his arms, and was wheeled into GH in an insta-catatonic state. (Katelyn MacMullen did solid work here, but it still reminded me of Burt Ramsey going from crime boss to drooling invalid in the time it took Scorpio to slap the cuffs on him.)
Drew, of course, had no right to promise Willow she'd win. But that absurdly optimistic prediction pales in comparison to his dirtiest deed last week, which he pulled while he was in the midst of an impromptu meeting with Ric at GH. Noticing Wiley sitting nearby, he made sure he spoke loud enough for his would-be stepson to hear him tell Ric that Michael didn't want Wiley or Amelia now that he had a new baby with Sasha. This was a scummy move even for Drew, and when Ric noticed that Wiley was in earshot, he was visibly disturbed. Questioned by Ric later, Drew claimed he hated hurting Wiley like that, but insisted it was necessary in order to drive a deeper wedge between Michael and Willow.
It worked. To Wiley's credit, he immediately told Michael what he'd heard, and from whom; enraged, Michael confronted Willow at the courthouse, at which point she insisted Wiley must have misheard. When Drew lied to Willow, denying he'd ever said any such thing, she immediately believed him, deciding that Michael must have made up the whole story.
This is one of those soap conflicts that could be settled in a few minutes if characters just thought to ask the right (and most obvious) questions, but whatever; the point here was not to be sensible, but to further illustrate how deeply Willow has fallen under Drew's thrall. Because ABC soaps love stories about women driven to insanity by problems involving their children and/or their men, I feel like it's safe to assume Willow is headed for some sort of personality-altering mental break, which is what it'll take to delay the inevitable unraveling of Drew's increasingly sloppy shenanigans.
Ric knows Drew intentionally hurt Wiley, and now Nina does too, because when she confronted him about it, he got super gross and told her that Wiley heard what he needed to hear. Michael is also curious about why Willow would get on the stand and testify that he refused to see her in Germany, because he knows that didn't happen. It won't take much for people to start pulling on these threads; in fact, in a sane world, they'd be the only things anyone wanted to hash out in the aftermath of this hearing. But because Drew's reign of sleazy terror must be allowed to continue, I suspect everyone will be too distracted by Willow's breakdown to figure out what's really happening. Will she snap and decide she's Nelle? Will she revert to some latent Dawn of Day programming? How long before she kidnaps the kids?
Another reason we know a big distraction is around the corner: Drew actually admitted to Martin that Willow might be better off without him, and seemed ready to listen to Martin's advice that the best option might be direct communication with Michael. As Friday's episode ended, Drew was in the middle of asking Jason to send Michael a proposal, and we know that can't go anywhere; it's just a question of what'll end up derailing everything.
Curtis, meanwhile, has hired Felicia to find Jacinda — a case Felicia was only willing to take after she got Curtis to agree that if Jacinda wants to stay hidden, he'll respect her decision. And while Curtis tries to decide whether he's willing to stay married to Portia once they're done dealing with Drew, Isaiah's waiting in the wings, perpetually offering to lend her an ear and/or a shoulder, despite the fact that she's nothing but rude to him anytime he tries. Poor, wasted Isaiah. Instead of wasting him like this, can't we learn more about the dark secrets in his family history? Even if it means Brick has to come back for a couple of days, it'd be worth it.
That's it for last week's major developments. Time for your bullets!
- Ava met Marco, who asked her to move a Van Gogh through customs for Sidwell
- Gio and Rocco briefly bonded as brothers, but Gio got testy when Rocco tried defending Dante
- Martin returned to Port Charles flat broke after his ex-wives united to take "everything and then some," but managed to land on his feet when Laura invited him to live with her and her invisible grandson and husband
- Lucky gave Isaiah the deed to a cabin Luke built, thus forcing the audience to contemplate the hilarious mental image of Luke Spencer constructing any sort of dwelling
- Tracy tried (and quickly failed) to convince Alexis to sue Drew for custody of Scout
- Martin did some ambulance-chasing at GH, but his main goal is to get revenge on Tracy for her role in his arrest and bankruptcy
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