Given General Hospital's overall inability or unwillingness to maintain momentum, I doubt many of you were expecting last week's episodes to be anywhere near as eventful as the week before. Still, it gives me no pleasure to report that life in Port Charles slowed to a crawl last week, and if you didn't bother to tune in, you absolutely did not miss much. I know I've said this before, and always been wrong, but this might be a really short column. Let's find out together, shall we?
Hello, Scarecrow. We Meet Again
I'll just dive right in with the highlight of the week, which was a conversation on the pier between Anna and Obrecht. Longtime viewers are painfully aware that there's absolutely no reason for these characters to ever find even the smallest patch of common ground, and Anna would be extremely justified for trying to claw out Liesl's eyes whenever she sees her, but soap characters don't operate with human logic, and for narrative purposes, this conversation worked really well.
Basically, what we got was an episode of two characters bruised by circumstance in similar ways, tentatively reaching out to each other and sharing some of the hard-learned lessons they've picked up along the way. It was satisfying in spite of its ludicrous underpinnings — partly because Kathleen Gati is always five minutes away from dropping another funny line, and partly because there's a number of genuine parallels between these characters. I think I've probably said this a thousand times before, but part of the magic of soaps is their ability to find real, honest emotion in utterly absurd situations, and that was absolutely the case here.
Liesl was really the sole consistent pleasure that last week's episodes afforded us. Between bonding with Anna over daughter-driven grief, showing up with a giant foam finger to root for Rocco during a softball game, or lashing out at the ever-insufferable Lulu, she added a sorely necessary bright splash of color wherever she went. The show seems to make decisions so haphazardly that I'm reluctant to chalk anything up to genuine intent, but Obrecht's return ranks right up alongside Ric's on the rather brief list of great choices made by the writing and production staff in recent memory.
The one thing I suppose you need to know about Obrecht's status after last week is that Laura managed to talk Lulu into letting Rocco have some sort of relationship with Liesl. (Dante, who didn't love the idea, was altogether more reasonable; he and Laura privately agreed that Lulu was the one who'd need to be convinced.) This led to a meeting between Liesl, Laura, Lulu, and Dante, which went off the rails about as speedily and spectacularly as you might guess; by the end, Dante was threatening to dig up old warrants and send Obrecht to prison, and she was telling Lulu that Britt was more of a mother to Rocco than she'd ever be.
The whole "I have another mother" storyline is deeply dumb, and I can't imagine anyone was asking for it, but it does open up an emotional gateway for Britt to return to the canvas, which is something the writers don't always seem to consider. Yes, we've got whatever the hell is happening with the WSB, and yes, Jason and Britt are obviously still horny for each other, but beyond all that, the stuff between Britt and Rocco — however desperately it has to cling to a series of mini-to-major retcons — is what really stands the best chance of keeping her threaded into the canvas for the long haul.
A Level 5 Op
Speaking of long hauls, it feels like this WSB/Dalton/Sidwell/etc. storyline has been going on for five years, and we still don't have a clear picture of what's going on or why we're supposed to care. Nevertheless, the writers are absolutely all in, which we can tell simply by virtue of the sheer number of characters who are mixed up in this dawdling mess.
The week started with Emma and Gio arguing over whether she was willing to let him break into Dalton's lab for her while she maintained her cover by attending his lecture. She said she couldn't let him take that risk; he told her he couldn't let her gamble on sacrificing her family, especially since he secretly misses his own so much. If this sounds riveting to you, great news! They had the same argument repeatedly throughout the rest of the week. I don't even know how or if they ended it; I'm still hung up on the fact that the first time we saw Dalton enter a lab, it was in General Hospital, not PCU. There's also the fact that they're planning this break-in using the master key Emma stole from Vaughn, which hasn't been discovered even though enough time has passed for Vaughn to jet off to Croatia with Joss. Did he quit his job as a PCU janitor? If so, wouldn't he have been required to hand in that key? I know GH's spy stories of the '80s were frequently very silly, but I feel like they were a lot more tightly plotted than this.
On the other hand, the more time I spend complaining, the less I have for recapping, so I'll just get on with it.
Emma's in deep with Dalton, and Anna knows it. In an attempt to bring the whole thing to a screeching halt, she called Carly, with every intention of telling her that Brennan recruited Joss for the WSB; unfortunately, Brennan was with Carly when Anna called, and he had her kidnapped off the pier in order to thwart her attempt to blow up his spot. After Anna was brought to his office, Brennan came clean, admitting that he recruited Joss, praising her special abilities or whatever, and pulling back the curtain a bit on the Bureau's interest in Dalton. All that information came with a catch, however; as Brennan quickly explained, now that Anna knows what she knows, she can't share it with a civilian unless she wants to be brought up on charges of treason.
Acknowledging that Brennan had put her in a box, Anna retorted that he was in a box of his own — specifically, that once Carly finds out he not only recruited Joss for the WSB, but put her on a fast track into the field, that'll spell the end of their relationship. This seemed to upset Brennan, and he ended the week by telling Carly he hadn't been completely honest with her, but we all know he isn't going to confess a single meaningful thing.
Joss and Vaughn, meanwhile, touched down in Dubrovnik and made their way to the Five Poppies under their cover as a newlywed couple. They strolled into the pavilion at the end of Friday's episode, calling out to Pascal for assistance just as he was in the middle of threatening a stubborn Britt into getting back to work in her lab — but they didn't recognize her, of course, because she had her back turned to them. Just as with Brennan's faux confession, I'm certain neither Joss nor Vaughn will get a look at Britt's face on Monday. GH has shown a remarkable willingness to shift into narrative hyperspeed lately, but I feel like the Bureau's dopiest, prettiest agents need to spend a few days skulking around the hotel before Joss realizes Britt is alive and well.
The wild card here is Jason. In the midst of his treason lecture, Brennan told Anna he was sure Joss and Vaughn would be safe in Dalmatia, which reminded Anna of Jason telling her about seeing "Dalmatia" on Britt's Five Poppies tote bag; this was all the encouragement she needed to go back to Jason and tell him to never mind about respecting Britt's wishes to appear dead — he had to get his ass out to Croatia and find her as soon as possible. Long story short: Before we know it, we're going to have Joss, Vaughn, Britt, and Jason at the Five Poppies, which should be followed by several days of your standard near misses before someone finally locks eyes with Dr. Westbourne at or toward the end of the week.
I… think that might be it for the big stuff? I have a lot of other notes, but they all seem fairly bullet-worthy, so what the hell; let's fire off a few extra rounds at the end of this incredibly short column in the hopes that GH gets its ass moving next week. See you next time!
- Chase is sad that Brook Lynn isn't ready to adopt until she mends fences with Gio — just in time for the writers to heavily hint at an affair between him and Willow
- While Ava visited Alexis in an attempt to box Ric out of the blackmail money, Ric hired Martin to help him secretly sever ties with Ava
- Michael realized that Willow was the one who made it look like Daisy was at risk, and told Dante he's surer than ever that he needs to keep Wiley and Amelia away from her
- Willow apologized to Carly; in response, Carly pulled a Carly and refused to accept
- Sidwell convinced Tracy not to go to the police with the evidence of Sonny's dirty investment in Deception
- Portia and Curtis agreed to fight for their marriage
- Sidwell told Marco that he paid off the judge to give Michael sole custody of Wiley and Amelia in order to make it look like Sonny did it
- The writers continued their desperate, lame efforts to try and make Sonny and Turner a non-nauseating thing
- Martin's Foghorn Leghorn accent crept back in for about half a scene
- Lulu asked Carly for her help running Obrecht out of town, and Carly agreed on the condition that Lulu prove Obrecht is actually a threat to Rocco — but warned her that going up against Obrecht could be a very bad idea
- After Liesl invited Danny and Rocco out for post-softball ice cream, Jason made her see she was putting Rocco in a tough situation
- Tracy convinced Lucy and Brook Lynn that hanging onto the evidence of Sonny's dirty investment was the best decision, but Maxie wasn't so sure
- Isaiah is giving Stella some stiff competition as the Bagger Vance of GH
- Alexis told Kristina that her plan to split up Ric and Ava is working
- Felicia convinced Cody to come to Mac's barbecue even though Molly is also on the guest list, and he's now convinced that she hates him
- Willow let it slip to Isaiah that Drew was blackmailing Portia
- After seeing Portia and Stella hugging, Drew placed a phone call to open up an insurance fraud investigation against Stella for helping Martin get his care covered
- Brook Lynn told Sonny that Deception wouldn't be alerting the police to his dirty investment in the company
- Jordan told Laura she'd been unable to dig up any dirt on Sidwell
- After a run-in with the owner of her building over Outback's unauthorized presence in her apartment, Anna was told she needed to find a new place to live
- Drew threatened Sidwell, saying he needed to hand over any damaging information he has on Sonny
- Lucy told Sidwell she's waiting for him to make a move on her — and she also told him about Maxie's reluctance to keep quiet regarding Sonny's Deception investment
- Ava rubbed ice cubes on Cody before they locked lips
- Drew told Alexis he's moving Scout to D.C.
- Alexis convinced Jason to get Monica's help convincing Drew not to move Scout to D.C.
- Elizabeth shook off Drew's attempts to get information about Willow from her
- Using her fat Sidwell salary, Jordan got a fancy new apartment that we will surely never see
- Isaiah saw Curtis and Jordan talking in the park, and was unhappy about it
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