Howdy, fellow General Hospital viewers! Last week had some patients… and some stuff that required more than a little bit of patience. Let's dive in and take a look at what's happening in Port Charles.
Eddie Maine Brain Drain
Okay, so I know I said the 6/16 Friday cliffhanger was the show's best in recent memory, and I still stand by that — seeing Ned open his eyes and insist he's Eddie Maine was a hoot. But that moment quickly revealed itself to be a heartless ruse on the part of the writers, who seem to be hellbent on fumbling every halfway decent possibility that could have come from this twist.
As Tracy pointed out partway through the week, Eddie Maine was never real; it was only ever a stage name that Ned used during his years as a professional musician, so no matter how hard the show might work to make viewers believe that Ned's experiencing what Kevin termed "something more than a simple case of memory loss," the writers really needed to thread a fairly fine needle in order to make this work. Unfortunately, they're off to a very sloppy start. The Eddie we're being shown is not only completely disconnected from Ned, he's nothing like the Eddie stage persona — instead, he's just a grumpy asshole who yells at nurses, makes little kids sad, and apparently has been endowed with the level of superhuman strength necessary to toodle on out of the hospital under his own power after suffering a traumatic brain injury.
To echo the sentiments expressed by dozens of viewers, the writers could have earned a bunch of goodwill by having "Eddie" wake up and ask for Lois. It would have moved this story away from the radioactive cloud that is the SEC storyline, it would have raised the potential for the return of a fan-favorite character, and it would have given Ned and Olivia some genuinely interesting conflict for a change. Instead, it looks like yet another example of the current regime making stuff up as they go along (but always, always finding some way of tying everything back to Sonny). As the brilliant Alan Sarapa summed it up: "This Eddie Maine story violates the unspoken agreement between soaps and fans to go along with something if it doesn't make sense as long as it is good soap or gives us something we want. It can't not make sense and also not check one of those two boxes."
SEC Yourself Out
Since we started out by talking about Eddie Maine, I guess we might as well move on to the SEC storyline next. If you've been reading these columns, you know I'm one of the seemingly many people who hate everything about all of this, but I'll give last week's episodes this much: At least we were finally treated to the sight of Drew, Carly, and Michael, eyes agog and mouths agape upon finally being faced with the consequences of their oh so stupid actions. Of course none of this will stick, but we must take joy where we find it, and right now, that joy stems from watching the three whiniest, most self-righteous bitches on this show suffering the momentary pain of not always getting away with everything.
Here's what went down, in a nutshell: Drew decided that he needed to take the fall for Carly's insider trading, so he directed Zeke to make a deal with the government, exchanging a guilty plea for a light sentence. Sam was satisfyingly uncool with this, pointing out that Drew had already missed half of their daughter's life while he was being held captive by Peter and Valentin; Drew, predictably, could only sputter a few meaningless platitudes before shuffling off to sacrifice his freedom.
This is all so stupid. But wait! It gets worse.
The agreement hammered out between Zeke and the SEC called for a fine and six months in a minimum security facility. The judge, however, decided that sentence would be a miscarriage of justice, and opted instead to give Drew three years in Pentonville, effective immediately. After some impassioned arguing from Zeke — undermined, natch, by Carly standing up and screeching YOU CAN'T IT ISN'T FAIR — Drew was given one week to get his affairs in order before reporting to prison. Item one on his list? Selling Aurora Media in order to pay Carly's fine.
"But that company should be Scout's someday," protested Carly.
"Whatever, she still has ELQ stock," shrugged Drew. (Not exact quotes, but close enough.)
As teenage girls were briefly fond of saying during my youth: Gag me with a spoon. Few television storylines are perfect, and daytime dramas crank out so many episodes that it's even harder for these shows to fire on all cylinders at any given moment — but it's also remarkable to witness a storyline that's this poorly conceived and executed on virtually every meaningful level. The fatal flaw here is that Carly and Drew are a horrible couple with zero stakes and very little screen chemistry; they've never felt like anything other than a desperate pairing that exists only because the two actors involved are both on contract and don't really have any other romantic possibilities on the canvas. The entire idea underpinning all this alleged SEC drama is ridiculous, but if we cared about the central characters, it wouldn't matter so much; as it is, this is yet another example of GH taking a "tell, don't show" approach to Sonny, Carly, and most if not all characters closely affiliated with them.
The harder the writers and actors work to make us believe Carly and Drew are some kind of epic romance, and the harder they try to make us think Drew is making a noble sacrifice to save an unfairly persecuted loved one, the lamer all this gets — and it certainly doesn't help that virtually all of the plot points feel like they were conceived the same day they were written. Given that the show keeps hinting that Chase knows Nina's the one who tipped off the SEC, and given that Eddie Maine spent the closing moments of Friday's episode giving Nina an odd look, I'm betting we'll see some sort of absurd/absurdly fast resolution to all of this nonsense before we get the pleasure of seeing Drew spend much time behind bars. I won't be surprised if it all comes down to Carly blackmailing Nina into returning her half of the Metro Court — anything involving Sonny and Carly always ends up snapping back to the status quo before long. Fine, whatever, I don't care. Just end this madness. And the next time we need to have a story involving Drew in some kind of legal jeopardy, make it about Scout taking him to court to have his power of attorney taken away. That man is too stupid to live.
Showdown at the PCPD Corral
The writing around the Ashford/Robinson axis has been uneven, but it’s overall my favorite spot on the canvas right now — I’m very happy with the amount of time GH is spending on stories involving these characters. I know this stuff is cyclical, and historically, ABC soaps have had a tendency to create extended Black families, put them on the front burner, and then abruptly write them off, but it’s happened so slowly and organically this time around that I’m really tempted to believe we’re really looking at some long-term stuff.
Two examples of what I’m talking about went down at the PCPD last week. First, Laura asked Jordan to resign as police commissioner and step up as acting deputy mayor, an offer Jordan initially refused before accepting. Shortly thereafter, Taggert showed up looking for a job that would keep him in Port Charles so he could stay close to Trina — and Jordan encouraged him to apply for the commissioner gig. Not long after that, Portia stormed in, full of righteous fury upon hearing from blabbermouth Zeke that Jordan and Curtis kissed.
A whole lot of what happens on GH these days seems to have been made up on the spur of the moment, but these two developments are anchored in more than a little bit of history. Taggert wanting to come back to the PCPD is hugely satisfying for longtime viewers, and he makes a lot of sense as the latest beneficiary of the revolving door installed at the commissioner’s office. I have no idea whether he’ll actually get the job — I want him to, so I feel like he probably won’t — but either way, this is a nod to the past that enriches the present.
Similarly, a conflict has been brewing between Jordan and Portia for years, but it’s been continually defused in the name of understanding and friendship. I’m all for nuanced relationships on soaps — lord knows we don’t see enough of them — and I continue to maintain that former spouses sharing a single kiss while one of them is estranged from his current partner is a comically unserious offense, but this was still a showdown that needed to happen. More importantly, I’m glad it happened now. Portia, after months of groveling for forgiveness from everyone impacted by her decision to hide the potential truth of Trina’s paternity, is tired of putting up with anybody’s bullshit; Jordan, meanwhile, is a new woman after experiencing Zeke peen, and is also done with apologizing for herself.
I never really wanted to see these characters fighting, in other words, but this scene makes so much sense in the current context of the show that it was still very satisfying to watch. Jordan and Portia have both done regrettable things, which both of them freely acknowledge — but neither has victimized the other, and they aren’t backing down. That’s a good soap fight right there.
Trina, meanwhile, is taking a page from her mother and refusing to take any shit from anybody — up to and including giving Curtis a richly deserved (but also fairly nuanced) dressing down after she found out what happened between him and Jordan.
On the TJ and Molly side of things, our young endometriosis-afflicted marrieds had a sit-down with Doctor Navarro, who told Molly that although she has a normal number of eggs, the odds of them being viable for harvesting appear to be low. Cue a conversation between Sam and Kristina, during which Kristina oh-so-subtly points out that she’s the only Davis sister with fully functional plumbing. Yes, we know where they’re probably going with this, but could it be entertaining to watch? I think it could.
Welcome Back, Selina
The ladies of Deception spent half the week at the Metro Court having one extremely long brunch, which started with Lucy and Maxie gossiping about Sasha’s relationship with Cody and ended with Martin falling into the pool.
Let me explain.
There’s kind of a lot bubbling on the back burner with Deception right now, starting with whatever top-secret product Lucy’s got brewing as the follow-up to the Deceptor wand (which Marty apparently inspired Lucy to create after a particularly satisfying night in the sack). We know Tracy wants the inside scoop on this, and she intends to get it through Brook Lynn — who, as we were reminded last week, made her way back to the company by letting Maxie and Lucy believe that the other person had rehired her. We also know that Gladys would love to get her hands on anything she can turn into money, including company secrets, but her lack of subtlety in that regard has put her firmly outside Deception’s inner circle.
Rebuffed by Lucy, Gladys stalked off to the Metro Court pool, where she ordered a pre-breakfast strawberry daiquiri before taking a call from Cody, who — having teamed up with Sam and Spinelli to take her down — told her he had proof that she framed him for the attempted theft of the bracelet she wore to the Nurses’ Ball.
Gladys is greedy but she isn’t exactly dumb, and it takes more than a phone call from a fellow grifter to rattle her. Looking to really put the screws to her, Cody and Spinelli surprised Gladys at the pool, where a barely disguised Sam took a nearby table and started recording their conversation with a pocket directional microphone. Their big gambit? Telling Gladys that they could pinpoint her location at all points during the night of the Ball, thanks to data from her “favorite fitness app” — exactly the kind of magical “because computers” solution that Spinelli always has for any problem.
But in the midst of all this, Kristina showed up and started talking to Sam, who hurriedly dragged her away from the pool — leaving her mic behind and missing the moment when Gladys laughed in Cody and Spinelli’s faces, telling them she didn’t even have her phone with her at the Ball. Shortly thereafter, Selina made her impeccably timed return to Port Charles, immediately discovering Sam’s listening device, sussing out the conflict between Cody and Gladys, and forcing both of them to make nice. A party with a vested interest in seeing Cody and Gladys stay at her card table, Selina ordered Gladys to recant her accusation against Cody, then privately threatened Cody to keep his mouth shut about Gladys’ gambling.
This is a halfway decent bit of narrative sleight of hand. We all knew Cody wasn’t going to prison over the bracelet; putting a pin in that plot point while forcing Cody and Gladys to publicly play nice allows things to continue heating up between Cody and Sasha — and frees up Gladys to continue stealing from Sasha, thereby worsening the fallout whenever Sasha comes to understand that Cody knew Gladys was draining her assets all along. It isn’t the most high-stakes story in the world and I’m not sure I’ll ever really care about Cody and Sasha, but at least this feels like a natural progression — one that’ll soon dovetail with Sam and Spinelli’s suspicions regarding Gladys, as well as Doctor Montague’s offer to settle Gladys’ debts “for a favor in return.”
The week’s final bit of Deception-related business took place toward the end of Friday’s episode, when we learned that Martin has no intention of ever getting married for a fourth time and Lucy is secretly rather sad about that. We also learned that Martin is either sending or receiving $50,000 a month — I wasn’t clear on which — and dodging his third ex-wife, a threatening text from whom was enough to send our Kentucky-fried lawyer flailing into the Metro Court pool. What all of this means, I have no idea, but if it’s leading to a real story for Lucy and her Marty, I’m all for it. Just please, lord, don’t let it lead back to Sonny.
Bits and Pieces
We’ve talked about most of what went down on GH last week, but we also saw Liz start her first day as head nurse, which naturally included a lot of extra work keeping Nurse Amy Driscoll in line. While she was busy doing that, Tracy cut a warpath across the hospital, getting into arguments with Olivia and Brook Lynn before butting heads with Alexis — the latter of which was interrupted when Gregory, who had just been talking with Finn about trying to make nice with Tracy, butted in and tried putting the last best Quartermaine in her place.
Needless to say, it did not go well. I wish I could tell you it was at least entertaining to watch, but Gregory is no match for Tracy on any level, and the screen practically vibrated with derision. The writers have already given this poor man ALS; I don’t understand why they’ve also decided that all he’s good for is lamely attempting to trade barbs with any woman roughly in his age group. More upsettingly, I don’t really understand the point of the character. Is he dying? Is he a talk-to for Alexis at the Invader? Is he, lord help us, being chem-tested with Tracy? I don’t think the writers know, and the same could be said for their approach to the Chase men in general. I don’t necessarily actively dislike any of these characters, but they’re less than dynamic; more often than not, it feels like they’re just sort of standing around with their hands in their pockets, sheepishly grinning and asking if they can come in for a few minutes.
This is not an unpardonable offense. Still, General Hospital is a show with an awful lot of colorful side characters, and with the Chase family, it’s burdening itself with a trio of fairly bland bit players that it’s trying to pass off as leads. Their screen time could be put to better use.
Last but not least, we also saw a little bit of Ava/Austin action last week, which basically boiled down to Austin having the bright idea to somehow get rid of Pilar, Avery and Donna’s nanny, and replace her with a mole who can help them find dirt on Sonny’s Pikeman deal and take it back to Mason. Anytime a long-running but mostly silent character suddenly gets a handful of lines the way Pilar did on Monday, you know they aren’t long for Port Charles.
And that’s what went down on GH last week. As always, thanks for reading, and if there’s anything you think I got particularly wrong or right, let me know in the comments!
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