Hello and welcome back, fellow General Hospital viewers! We're really settling into the 2023 Fi-Core Era now, and although I continue to maintain that the studios have zero defensible reasons for not giving the unions everything they want, the effect on GH in terms of viewable product has been (ahem) generally positive.
Last week's episodes offer a solid example of what the still-anonymous writing staff is getting right. First and foremost, in my opinion, they've slowed things down — not a ton, necessarily, but enough to make the characters feel a little more three-dimensional instead of blurry dots on a spinning wheel of mostly meaningless incident. Rather than rehashing plot points most viewers are already well aware of, the characters are allowed to have conversations that feel a little more organic; not designed strictly for dispensing information.
This is a fairly subtle development, all things considered, but it's still a pretty beneficial one, partly because it seems like the writers' willingness or ability to really move story has been reduced quite a bit since their first week at the wheel. Last week wasn't entirely without meaningful action, but there's a lot of treading water going on, and if we had to put up with that AND a bunch of quick-hit, flashback-filled scenes, it'd be intolerable.
Anyway, once again, I hope the writers and actors get everything they're asking for, and I hope this is all resolved very soon. And in the meantime, I also hope the official writing staff — especially the head writers — has spent the last 100 days getting lots of rest and dreaming up a bunch of new ideas, because stuff was feeling pretty ragged before the strike hit. Now let's get into what went down in Port Charles last week.
RIP, Chandler Mansion
Anna is still trying to get to the bottom of the Metro Court pool shooting — which, for the purposes of last week's episodes, mostly meant a lot of sitting around her house and talking to folks who might have some solid perspective on the situation. One of those conversations happened with Dante, who at this point has fully recovered from the doldrums that sent him offscreen for a few years and emerged as one of the show's most versatile, useful characters. Dante bopped around the canvas last week — more on that as we go — and he didn't really have any new information for Anna, but it's still always a pleasure to watch Dominic Zamprogna work opposite Finola Hughes; he seems to have easy chemistry with just about everybody, but those two together are a particular joy.
Anna also spoke with Robert, at long fucking last, albeit very briefly and in a way that suggested the scene only happened as a conduit to an equally brief but much less interesting exchange between Robert and Diane. Asked where he stands with the WSB, Robert told Anna that he and anyone else from their days at the Bureau has been iced out by the director who took over after Frisco was fired — at which point Anna suddenly remembered seeing a Pikeman file sticking out of an attache case during her debriefing following Victor's defeat in Greenland.
The truly impactful conversation Anna had last week happened with Valentin, who admitted that he'd had dealings with the Pikeman Group way back in his WSB days — and although he professed not to know a lot about their inner workings, he could confirm that the company has close ties with the Bureau, serving as a sort of clearinghouse for former agents. Asked why he chose to get involved with them all over again by serving as a broker for Sonny's Pikeman deal, Valentin said he did it to try and help Anna, hoping that Pikeman's WSB connections might have proven useful while Anna was being framed for Lucy's "murder" and Holly was being blackmailed into cooperating with Victor.
This is all interesting enough to hold my attention despite the barn-sized lapses in logic we've seen so far. Plot holes are part of your diet if you're any kind of soap fan, so I'm not going to harp on stuff like the assault rifle that was hidden behind a goddamn couch — if the writers end up giving us a worthwhile villain (or villains), I'll be just as quick to forgive as I am to criticize. I realize this is an awfully big if, but for now, I'm choosing hope.
Anyway, it's been all but confirmed that Anna was the true target of the Metro Court shooting. Friday's episode closed out with Anna coming back from a night run to discover her house in flames, the work of an unidentified arsonist who emptied a can of helpfully labeled kerosene all over the place before lighting a couple of matches and skulking off into the evening. I guess this means Anna will be living at the Metro Court for the next decade despite the fact that she's exceedingly unemployed?
Crazy Eddie's Vices Are In-SAAAAAAAAANE
Just like her son Dante, Olivia was all over the canvas last week, starting with a heart-to-heart with Nina that led to Olivia offering to plan Nina and Sonny's wedding, which is apparently happening on Valentine's Day now. You already know where all this is going, and you have for weeks; Olivia's official involvement just makes it all that much more patently obvious. The thaw between Olivia and Nina will make it hurt that much more when Nina's involvement in the SEC stuff is revealed; meanwhile, the thaw between Olivia and Eddie will undoubtedly lead to him being hired to perform at the wedding, which is where he'll suddenly get his memory back and revert to Ned, and Nina's name will be mud all over again.
That's all bound to happen. For the moment, however, Ned is still Eddie, and Eddie is focused on having fun — which ended up getting him in trouble a couple of times this week, first when Tracy reacted to another of his late nights by telling Olivia she wants to have him committed. Olivia refused, only to encounter Eddie during another tomcatting session later in the week; she and Carly decided to drown their sorrows at the Highsider, where he was already a few drinks deep.
Eddie, of course, started hitting on Carly, who made some small talk with him (naturally including an oblique reference to Jason's very similar memory loss). Meanwhile, Olivia found herself fending off Mason, whose unwillingness to take no for an answer led Eddie to jump in and try to defend her honor. A bar fight broke out, Mason KO'd Eddie, and Carly retaliated by smashing a whiskey bottle against the back of Mason's head.
This was all fine for what it was, which was mostly nothing, and it led to a fairly enjoyable series of scenes at the PCPD after Chase hauled Carly, Eddie, and Olivia in for being drunk and disorderly. After the owner of the bar declined to press charges — most likely due to the influence of Mason, who has every reason to not want to get involved with the police — all that was left was for our jailbirds to call someone to come and pick them up. Eddie phoned Sonny, Olivia called Dante, and Carly texted Joss.
Sonny arrived right quick, signing Eddie out of custody and offering to do the same for Carly. She refused, insisting she doesn't need him and declaring her willingness to spend the night in a holding cell if that's what it came to. Finally rebuffed, Sonny left the station; meanwhile, Nina was virtually hyperventilating after waking up to find him gone. She even called Ava to whine about him leaving without telling her, to which Ava rather sensibly pointed out that Sonny is an alleged mob boss who can't be reasonably expected to keep a regular schedule — and although I really, really don't want to believe the writers would be cruel enough to put us through yet another round of Carly and Sonny, I also can't think of any other reason they'd have Nina biting her lip because her crime kingpin fiancé headed out in the middle of the night.
Yes, yes, you assholes, Carly would never do this. And in fact, she's so evolved now that she won't even let him sign her out of police custody. She's strong and independent and aaaauaaaauauauauguuuuuugghgghhhh just stab me in the temple with a knitting needle. By the time Valentine's Day rolls around, the writers will have laid miles of track for the 14 millionth Sonny/Carly reunion and I will have several cases of dangerously high-proof bourbon on hand. To quote the mob boss with the unpredictably painted hair: "Son of a bitch."
Free Sasha, You Sadistic Pricks
At this point, if the character of Sasha Gilmore was pushed off the roof of the highest building in Port Charles, hit every awning or balcony on her way down, bounced off the street, was hit by a garbage truck, and ended up being cannonballed into the side of a building before finally being allowed to die, I feel like most GH viewers would still feel like it was an act of mercy. I've been watching soaps off and on since the late '70s, and I honestly cannot remember a character who's been put through so much misery in such a short period of time, for so little in terms of impactful drama. It lacks imagination and it's long since stopped being fun to watch.
I could give you a list of all the heinous shit Sasha went through in Ferncliff last week, but suffice it to say that she isn't in her right mind thanks to Dr. Montague, and by the time Cody enlisted Brook Lynn's help to sneak past the front desk and make his way into her room, she thought she was hallucinating him and she just started screaming until he was taken away.
In general, I feel like I'd be more than willing to sit back and watch the fi-core writers get wild with the fairly lukewarm plate of stories they were given, but if I only had one wish, it'd be for them to suddenly reveal — like, tomorrow — that Sasha has only been pretending to be drugged out of her mind, and in reality, she's been working with the PCPD or whoever to drop a sting on Gladys and Montague. It wouldn't erase the years of torture porn that have been heaped on Sasha, but it would at least bring this tone-deaf tale to a screeching halt.
Barring that, let's resolve to recap this story as speedily as possible until it's finally, blessedly over. If you didn't watch last week, all you need to know is that Sasha's still locked up, but Cody is deeply suspicious, and so is Sam.
Cyrus Is Poor
I don't know how long Jeff Kober is sticking around for his current run, but it's certainly starting to look like they have Cyrus involved in at least a couple of different storylines. After being admitted to GH following his cardiac arrest during the dust-up in the library a couple of weeks ago, Cyrus had a couple of potentially meaningful exchanges with a pair of visitors last week — starting with his brother Martin, who was understandably suspicious after Cyrus asked him to empty Cyrus' bank accounts and donate the proceeds to rehabilitation programs at Pentonville.
As I said in my previous column, I'm not sure I can imagine much (if any) utility for Cyrus if it turns out he's actually sincere about finding religion, but based on the conversation he had with Martin, it certainly seems like he's really a changed man. Either way, he's just donated a pile of money to the prison.
More intriguingly, Cyrus had another run-in with Austin last week, which concluded with the two of them locking eyes while Cyrus was wheeled onto an elevator to begin his trip back to Pentonville. Once again, Cyrus seemed smug and satisfied, while Austin looked like he'd seen a ghost. I will be all kinds of annoyed if Cyrus turns out to be the secret heavy behind the Gatlin gang — especially since we were initially promised a female boss — but I'm more than willing to accept some kind of connection, especially if it leads to some sort of resolution regarding Cyrus' allegedly altruistic activities.
The Ashford Files
Look, the show is called General Hospital. We're supposed to get a certain amount of medical drama. That being said, I'll always firmly believe that every storyline should be engineered to create as much lasting impact and ripple effect as possible, and there's no good reason to give a character a physical or mental affliction if it isn't going to lead anywhere meaningful. Far more often than not, I'd put paralysis stories near the top of the "do not touch" list, and Curtis' current inability to feel his legs is a good example of why.
Donnell Turner is a charismatic actor and Curtis Ashford is a character with plenty of possibility, but for some time now, the writers have been fixated on writing him as a sourpuss scold who claims to love his life but can't seem to dislodge the stick from his own ass long enough to actually express enjoyment. The man owns a nightclub, his long-lost father returned from the dead, and he has a wife who's been following him around town for months in the hopes that he'll forgive her for neglecting to mention that he might have fathered her daughter 20 years ago — you'd think that at some point, he might come around to the fact that he's a fairly fortunate fellow and learn to relax. But instead, he was accidentally shot in the back, and now he's been handed a blank check to act like a self-pitying boor for another indefinite period of time.
I'm being glib, but the reality is that there's no way for the writers to win here. Either they respect that paralysis is a big deal and they devote months on end to a depressing storyline, or they take the easy way out and give Curtis a miracle insta-cure. Either way, this whole damn thing is a dead end. I mean, okay, maybe it'll lead to a reconciliation for Curtis and Portia. Maybe they'll finally split up for good. Maybe it'll lead to a deeper relationship between Curtis and Trina (and maybe Taggert is sleeping under the table at Kelly's where we last saw him day-drinking several weeks ago). But all of that could have been accomplished without paralysis, so unless Turner specifically requested the opportunity to lie in a hospital bed for an extended period of time, I can think of no good reason for any of this.
All that being said, here's your latest Curtis update: He's still super unhappy about not being able to feel his legs, and Finn went against his specific wishes by letting Trina in to see him. This was very rude of Finn, but it did at least lead to a rather sweet conversation in which Trina (needlessly) apologized for taking sides when she learned that Curtis kissed Jordan, and Curtis admitted he's really struggling with the idea of how he's going to live without the use of his legs.
Trina, meanwhile, has moved back home. She made the mistake of asking Spencer to help her move in and then leaving him alone with Portia; while Trina was upstairs clearing room in her old bedroom, Portia made quick work of the young Cassadine, making it clear that she wanted him to clear out ASAP. Ultimately, she was able to convince him to leave without even saying goodbye — and then she told Trina that Spencer just "took off," adding that he was probably more concerned with Ace.
I get that a lot of people have no time for Portia at this point, and I'm more than willing to concede that she's been written as a raging hypocrite. Still, as I wrote when we started seeing this storyline take shape, few things are soapier than a mother meddling in her child's love life, and Portia really has every reason in the world to be severely distrustful of Spencer's influence on Trina. We the viewers can see his heart is in the right place (and we'll miss Nicholas Alexander Chavez so much when he inevitably flies the coop), but Portia can't see that — and of all the stuff she's involved in right now, this storyline is the only one I'm even slightly invested in. I don't care whether Curtis and Portia reconcile, and I certainly don't need to see her sharing her guilt with Marshall or convincing him not to move out twice a month. Let her lean into her villainy here. At least that could lead someplace interesting.
Everything Else
Here's your bulleted list of all the stuff that either didn't get enough screen time to really delve into or I just don't feel like talking about in detail:
Finn and Liz remain gross, although I have to say that last week's episodes at least made much more room for the friendly dynamic at which they excel. None of their flirting is remotely believable, especially his, and I agree with the folks who found it awfully presumptuous of him to point-blank ask Elizabeth to be Violet's guardian should anything happen to him. But I'd much rather watch them unpack the difficulty of losing a patient than watch them blush and stammer their way through dinner.
I'm investigating a class-action lawsuit against the people who dreamed up the Tracy/Gregory chem test as well as anyone involved in their subsequent scenes. They got into another meaningless, stupid argument last week, and Gregory also went to the axe-throwing range with Alexis. He is a bland millstone around the necks of two of the show's most treasured female characters. ALS can't take him fast enough.
Sam told Dante that she suggested Maxie rent Lulu's house; he agreed that it's a perfect idea. I suppose Anna's house burning down is what made room for the return of this old set, although we did get glimpses of Sam and Ava's rarely-seen bedrooms last week, as well as the first(?) sighting of Sonny's.
Mason and Austin had an actual conversation when Mason showed up in Austin's office needing stitches following the fight at the Highsider. This was the first time Mason's come across as anything but a cartoon villain with a lollipop wedged in his mouth, so if I had to guess, I'd say the writers are feeling out the possibility of this character turning out to be less evil than he's always seemed. I respect the thought, but sometimes a bad guy is just a bad guy.
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