Welcome to another edition of Critical Diagnosis, fellow General Hospital viewers! We entered the second week of the 2023 Fi-Core Era feeling shaken up and a little energized following a batch of episodes that seemed to indicate the new, anonymous writers were eager to disrupt the status quo. In comparison, the events of last week felt like a slow drift back to where we were before, right down to a truly painful dinner date — but it wasn't all bad.
Enough preamble. Let's jump in and look back at the week that was!
Kung Drew Fighting/Cyrus Goes to Hell
If you watched last week, this is the corner of the canvas you're probably most eager to talk about, so I won't make you wait. As previously established, Pentonville is currently home to Drew, Heather, and Cyrus — the latter of whom is being harassed by a fellow inmate/shiv-wielding lunatic named Book. That came to a head last week in the prison library, where Book assaulted Cyrus in front of Drew, who came to the rescue via a deeply (and unintentionally) humorous fight sequence.
When the guards finally busted in, they told Book and Drew that they were going to solitary — but first, Drew was allowed to use his all-purpose Navy SEAL training to try and rescue Cyrus, who'd gone into cardiac arrest during the brawl. The camera took the viewer straight up Cyrus' nose and down to hell, where he found himself locked in a cage, surrounded by dry ice and LED light strips, and forced to confront his legacy of pain through a conversation with Laura.
As I said last week, I'm not convinced that the fi-core writers have any kind of long-term plan. But one area in which they've excelled so far is pacing — unlike the prior regime, who churned out flurries of incident via dozens of rapid-fire scenes that often went nowhere, these folks aren't afraid to make room for honest-to-goodness conversations that add depth to character motivations and enrich the stories themselves. This tête-à -tête between Cyrus and his sister (or her "aura," whatever) is one of several solid examples from last week; although it's always at least faintly hokey when soaps send a character to the afterlife, I found value here in the dialogue, which unpacked the deep hurt that fueled Cyrus' campaign of terror in simple yet effective terms.
A lot of my willingness to go along with these scenes is rooted in the fact that they were played by Genie Francis and Jeff Kober, two actors who elevate pretty much anything they're part of, but I'm also giving credit to the writers, who could have gone in any number of less thoughtful directions. Yes, we were already aware of basically everything that was discussed — with one major exception, which I'll get to in a bit — but it was handled in a way that added some welcome shading to the complex relationship between Cyrus and Laura.
My main issue here is that of motivation. For starters, we've never been given any explanation as to why Drew is so eager to defend Cyrus, a guy he didn't know before coming to Pentonville but has plenty of reason to distrust and even hate. And yeah, fine, he's a former Navy SEAL and all-around do-gooder, blah blah blah. But to risk his life and end up being tossed in solitary in order to help someone who caused more than one of his loved ones physical and emotional pain? I feel like we need to know more about what's driving Drew.
And then there's Cyrus, whose abrupt religious conversion has been locked in a mystery box ever since it was announced. Through his conversation with Laura in hell, we can reasonably believe Cyrus is sincerely a changed man — or at least he's trying to get there, all thanks to Laura's benevolent influence. But what's the point of that? On one hand, I willingly acknowledge that the whole "criminal mastermind finds religion, but is secretly faking it" story is well beyond played out; on the other, I'm not sure I see much value — if any at all — in a Cyrus who's anything other than a villain. Seeing Cyrus regain consciousness and tell Martin that he wants to donate all of his money to prisoner rehabilitation efforts at Pentonville is fine for a little shock value, but it feels like a narrative dead end.
Redeeming unredeemable characters is a trick soaps have been playing for decades, and it's definitely yielded dividends on more than one occasion. Later in the week, after Cyrus was sent to GH following his heart attack, he had a seemingly fraught conversation with Austin, telling the doctor "may the lord God bless and protect you… and your family" in a way that felt intended to hint that Cyrus knows something about the "cousins" who've been forcing Austin to play mob doctor. From here, it doesn't take much imagination to see the show trying to make Cyrus less of a bad guy by showing that Mason and Austin's bosses are even worse — again, it's a move we've seen soaps fall back on many, many times.
At the moment, however, it feels deeply misguided, and of a piece with General Hospital's ongoing efforts to redeem Esme. From a writing standpoint, it sucks to lose a talented, popular actor as a permanent option just because their character is a complete asshole, but sometimes them's the breaks — I would much rather see Cyrus and Esme once every couple of years, and actively enjoy the mayhem they bring, than sit through painfully short-sighted attempts to wedge them into the show on an ongoing basis.
Maybe there's something fun on the other side of this and I'm just too dumb to see it. And for the moment, I'm zero percent mad at Cyrus' latest return… but that'll change in a big way if the Cyrus we're seeing lately turns out to be the character's true new direction.
Jolt: A Sudden Feeling of Shock, Surprise, or Disappointment
Okay, so getting back to the way the fi-core writers strode in and shook stuff up two weeks ago, only to backpedal with a quickness last week. If you want to see a great example of this in action, just watch the Ava/Austin scenes, which squirreled the two of them away in Austin's office for a drawn-out conversation about who knows what and why regarding their shenanigans.
On one level, I sympathize with the writers; it isn't easy to contrive a situation in which Austin discovers that Sonny knows he helped Ava hide Nikolas' "dead" body before Mason stepped in to blackmail them into digging up dirt on the Pikeman deal and… well, you get the point. This story is being used as a pack mule to carry a couple of other long-simmering stories, and it's all stupidly complicated, and that isn't the fault of the fi-core writers. That being said, these scenes were a profound waste of Roger Howarth and Maura West. Both of these actors have repeatedly proven their ability to magically generate chemistry with any damn body — and in fact, West and Howarth had plenty in the past, when he was still playing Franco — but this entire situation smacks of a writing staff sighing and shoving two characters together because they can't think of anything else to do. The dynamic between Austin and Ava is deeply weird; when they ended the week by suddenly kissing, it felt like nothing so much as a button slapped on in lieu of sensible dialogue. These do not feel like characters who are hot for each other.
Anyway, now Austin knows that Sonny knows. And Chase knows that Austin knew Gordon before Gordon was shot and killed in the alley outside GH. Where all of it will lead remains a mystery to me — although I hear we might be getting Ted King back, which would seem to be a perfect opportunity to put a bow on whatever the hell this story is trying to be — and I sincerely hope it starts sprinting toward its endgame very soon.
Who Wants Anna Dead?
I've made it pretty clear in this column that I don't understand the point of pretending that Anna's past as a WSB/DVX double agent should be anything that anyone is all that upset about in the Port Charles of 2023, but if we must have this storyline, I demand that we're at least given a compelling villain at some point — either a character from the GH of the '80s or someone who's connected with one of those characters in a meaningful way. We haven't gotten there yet, but the current writers have been busy making it clear that they're invested in getting to the bottom of whoever tried to murder Anna and/or Sonny, only to end up making Curtis the worst dancer in Port Charles, including Spinelli.
Last week's episodes kicked off with Anna and Sonny having a rather offensive dinner date at the Metro Court, which was mostly dedicated to trying to hash out the potential identity of the would-be assassin but also made room for Anna telling Sony she's always (groan) admired his ability to (puke) "compartmentalize" his life between "crime boss" and "family man."
I mean, look. As much as I loathe the character of Sonny, I'm willing to acknowledge that Maurice Benard is a talented actor, and although I've never watched any of his films, I suspect he's quite a bit more compelling when he's given enough rehearsal time and extra takes to avoid falling back on "I tell you what" or "son of a bitch" in lieu of actually remembering his lines. He and Finola Hughes are fine scene partners, and I do get some enjoyment out of watching them trade lines. That being said, it's appalling to me that Anna — a character who, lest we forget, compartmentalized her personal and professional lives to an extreme degree prior to her arrival on GH — would express this flavor of admiration for the bantam mob boss of the Northeast.
Now that I've gotten that bit of bitching out of my system, I can express a sensible level of appreciation for Anna's thread in last week's canvas — we're getting close to wheel-spinning territory, but for the moment, I'm not complaining about scenes depicting Anna sitting around with friends and loved ones while she tries to figure out which rogue WSB agent decided she was better dead than alive. I don't mind watching her with Sonny for the most part, I actively enjoy watching her with Dante, and we even got an Anna/Valentin reunion on Friday. If the writers have dreamed up a satisfying resolution for this — and that's a big, big if — then we're watching a solid storyline shift into second gear.
What I absolutely do not want to see is some new villain emerge from the woodwork. If the show truly insists on exhuming Anna's ancient past, then they good and goddamn well better be prepared to give us a Grant Putnam/Andrews-style return from the distant past, or at least a character who has an honest vested interest in relitigating all that stuff. Otherwise, they're probably wasting our time.
Kristina Kan't Keep Kwiet
I typically try to focus on major storylines in this portion of the column, and save stuff like Kristina's fairly random assortment of scenes for the end. But last week, the writers decided to send her on a sort of blabbermouth tour of Port Charles, having her bust into different conversations and say something ill-advised before moving on to the next set — and I have to say, I actively enjoy this character's lack of filter in this context.
To recap: On Monday, Kristina gave Michael a little good-natured shit about his treatment of Nina. On Tuesday, she barged in on Anna and Sonny's dinner and asked them who tried to kill them before bonding with Trish the Metro Court hostess, who expressed her admiration for Kristina's plans to open a shelter for LGBTQIA+ youth and shared the story of her brother Teddy, who was thrown out by their parents for being gay. On Thursday, she had a bit of a tiff with Joss at Kelly's, then interrupted Molly and TJ's meeting with a surrogacy consultant by bursting into their apartment and proclaiming "Joss is such a bitch." On Friday, she rubbed Michael's nose in it again, pointing out that what happened between Sonny and Nina isn't THAT far removed from what happened with Michael and Willow, and then she had a friendly conversation with Nina at Charlie's.
For some time now, the writers have bent over backwards to make a point of positioning Kristina as a character who hops around with her foot in her mouth, but very little of what we've seen onscreen has really reflected that; more often than not, what we end up getting is a ridiculously overinflated argument between the Davis sisters that's supposed to highlight their goofy family dynamic but only ever smacks of writers trying way too hard. Lately, though, the writers have been using Kristina as a talk-first, apologize-later addition to scenes across the canvas, and I'm really happy to see it.
That being said, I have to admit that I'm not at all invested in whether or not Kristina ends up being Molly and TJ's surrogate — probably mostly because the constant bickering between Molly and Kristina is almost always unbelievably silly. As of right now, Molly has decided that Kristina would be an unsuitable option; I'm sure that will eventually change for some reason, but for now, I hope the writers continue to send Kristina bouncing around the canvas, blurting out pointed questions and offering unsolicited advice.
Curtis Wallows
This one's really more of an interlude, since we only saw Curtis on Thursday, but out of all the storylines that received a fairly minimal amount of screen time last week, this is the one that's closest to the front burner, so I'm giving it a few paragraphs even though there wasn't much motion.
In essence, the Ashford appearances last week were designed to do a couple of things: First, underscore how angry and hopeless Curtis remains; and second, give Trina and Dex a few moments to bond. The first goal was accomplished by having Aunt Stella visit Curtis to give him a pep talk, which will likely remain her main function until and/or unless the writers decide to finally do something with that whole "Stella's mysterious cousin" plot thread that's been dangling for years now. It's a waste of Vernee Watson to use her character as an advice dispenser, but I also think Donnell Turner really needs strong scene partners right now, and she fits the bill.
Basically, Curtis is still mired in anger and self-pity. As we learned when Austin came by to check on his vitals, Curtis has refused to see his physical therapist, and he isn't all that interested in hearing about the rehab facility where he'll be temporarily staying after he's checked out of GH. He's also still refusing to see Trina, who was reduced to using Dex as a friendly shoulder.
By and large, these scenes were skippable — not because of the talent involved, but because they didn't show or tell us anything we didn't already know about how these characters are feeling. As far as I'm concerned, this storyline really isn't doing Turner any favors in particular; Curtis was a miserable grump for months even before he was shot, and most of the time, his latest ordeal is just another excuse for a lot of frowning, jaw-clenching, and petulant outbursts. That being said, there were some strong notes of real humanity in the exchanges between Curtis and Stella. I wish the show would give him a reason to smile once in a while, and I suspect Turner might feel the same way, but Watson gives him solid energy to bounce off, and I sensed more of a spark in those scenes.
I felt similarly regarding the conversation between Dex and Trina. I find Dex to be a largely useless character, I will never accept Evan Hofer as a remotely believable mob enforcer, and Dex's relationship with Joss is dull at best — but all that has a lot more to do with the way the character's been written and used than it has to do with Hofer's acting ability or screen presence.
This was struck home for me by the way Dex made himself available to Trina last Thursday, joking that since Joss was working at Kelly's, he could be a Joss proxy if Trina needed someone to talk to. And although most of the ensuing conversation just rehashed stuff we already knew, Dex proved himself a good listener with a few worthwhile things to say; at one point, he related Curtis' impotent anger to the way people he served suffered emotionally when they were injured in the line of duty, wracked with guilt and frustration over not being able to protect others as they were trained to do.
This was all fine for what it was, is what I'm trying to say, but larger problems remain for all of these characters. It's extremely rare for a daytime drama to get itself out of a paralysis storyline in satisfying fashion; the hard work of rehab and the slow process of learning to live within new physical constraints is difficult to dramatize, and it requires a much lower, more sensitive storytelling gear than the one soaps tend to favor. I don't know where GH is going with Curtis, but I feel like the odds are pretty high that it isn't a place much of the audience is interested in seeing — when your choices are either "miracle cure" or "months of shouting at friends and loved ones," you've written yourself into a corner.
Dex and Trina are being similarly ill-served right now. Hofer can be a bright and appealing presence, but those qualities are often snuffed out by the amount of brooding Dex is required to do when he isn't humping Joss. He isn't imposing enough to be a new Jason, and he's wasted on playing a strong, silent type; he — and the audience — would have been better served by having him play a business rival to Michael, or a talented yet unscrupulous Invader reporter, or a brash lawyer who makes life difficult for Molly and Robert, or… oh, you get the idea.
This has also been one dud of a summer for Trina. This has been discussed here before and it seems to be perpetually trending among Soap Twitter, so I don't need to make this week's column even longer by litigating it all over again. Suffice it to say that the younger set in general has been done fairly dirty by the writing across the board lately.
Laura and Kevin's Quest
I can't remember the last time I saw GH — or any daytime drama — go to the trouble of building a set only to get a single day's use out of it, but it's happened three times in rapid succession with this Laura/Kevin world tour. First they went in and out of the house in Chechnya, then there was the hotel room where Laura told Valentin he needed to go back to Port Charles, and then there was a brief pit stop on Cassadine Island, where Laura and Kevin searched the grounds for Nikolas before moving on.
This isn't a complaint. Soap worlds have become so static and constricted over the last few decades that I welcome this type of disruption, and these interludes all served enough of a purpose to justify seeing them onscreen. It is, however, somewhat difficult to understand where they're going with this. Laura's now growing convinced that Nikolas didn't leave Port Charles of his own volition, and that instead something — or someone — else is responsible for his absence, and after coming up empty on Cassadine Island, she told Kevin that she knows just where they're headed next. Given that she's starting to suspect foul play, it seems natural to me that they'd return home and start investigating Nikolas' associates in town, but who knows? Maybe there's another exotic destination on the itinerary.
It's always a treat to see Genie Francis in action, and I especially enjoy the writers giving Laura so much of her own agency, even going so far as to repeatedly have Kevin stress that he's there to support her and trusts her enough to follow her lead. On the other hand, the way all this has been handled is nothing if not weird. Why did Victor leave Nikolas the Chechen compound in his will? Why send Laura and Kevin over there to find nothing at all? Why haul Cassadine Island out of mothballs if nothing's going to happen there either? I'd still rather see stuff like this happen onscreen, but given that we know Nikolas is in Mason's custody, this whole thing has felt like a wild goose chase that didn't even have the courtesy to introduce new plot developments or hint at a future storyline. It's rarely been less than enjoyable in the moment, but it's starting to feel somewhat hollow.
"Love" in the Afternoon
Speaking of hollow, I wanted to puke my guts out at the end of Friday's episode, which closed on a viscerally upsetting split-screen shot of Finn and Elizabeth mooning over each other after the end of yet another interminable dinner date. What the show is doing to us with this couple is abuse, and I'm starting to think we might have a case for a class-action lawsuit.
All kidding aside, the writing for Finn and Elizabeth remains brutally awful. These are two adults with plenty of history between them, and they've both been in serious relationships before — why anybody on that staff thinks it's cute or entertaining to perpetually write them like they're nervous tweens on their first date is a mystery that I would desperately not like to solve. Rebecca Herbst can do no wrong, but she's being asked to do a helluva lot of heavy lifting here, while the entire situation caters to Michael Easton's long-standing shtick of communicating romantic interest by appearing stunned whenever a woman wears a dress.
I hate watching these characters together, in other words, but I'll give last week's scenes this much: At least they finally had Finn and Liz saying a few things out loud to each other's faces, admitting that they're both afraid to wreck their friendship and identifying the numerous complications that could keep them from finding long-term happiness together. It's nowhere near enough to save the rest of this disaster, and based on that revolting closing shot on Friday, I can only assume the show intends to keep rubbing our noses in its mess, but it's a damn sight more tolerable than Finn asking Liz out with a checkboxed "yes/no" note that he didn't even have the guts to hand her himself.
It's also preferable to whatever the hell these people think they're doing with Tracy and Gregory. Between these two, Robert and Diane, Drew and Carly, and maybe even Ava and Austin, the show is developing a serious problem when it comes to couples that feel like they've been mashed together only because the characters are roughly the same age and the writers can't see any other options. Tracy and Gregory are by far the worst, however, because Jane Elliot is a queen, we only get her for temporary visits, and her time on the show should be spent DOING things rather than trying to breathe life into dialogue that aims for "screwball rom-com" but crashes in the dirt every time.
I don't know how long we have until Tracy leaves again, but I do know that her Deception scheme is still woefully vague. Nothing against Gregory Harrison, but the writers have tried all sorts of things with his character, and you could still lift him right off the canvas tomorrow with zero impact. He's nowhere near as dynamic as most of the cads Tracy has fallen for, and given his penchant for getting into meaningless arguments with strong-willed women, he isn't even terribly likable. Also, he has ALS, the symptoms of which are becoming so obvious that he can barely finish a very lame story about a dog peeing in his classroom before making Tracy so concerned that she calls Alexis to ask about his health.
All of which is to say that Gregory and Tracy shared a meal at the Metro Court last week, and if you missed it, I envy you. I would also like to apologize on behalf of whoever did whatever horrible thing that made the writers feel like we deserve any of this. We've suffered enough! Please stop. (Also, how dare you.)
The Rest
I've gone on WAY too long yet again, so in lieu of in-depth discussion, a few bullet points to close things out:
Lucy and Felicia are still trying to figure out Martin's deal. They know Maquillage is owned by his third ex-wife, but her name has still yet to be spoken — although Martin did refer to her as "a real piece of work" and a "vulture" last week.
Anna told Sonny he doesn't want to have anything to do with Pikeman, but they were interrupted by Dante and Kristina before he could answer her question regarding how deep he's already in with them.
Olivia and "Eddie" connected a little bit when she told him about her wild youth after he called her an "uptight shrew."
Brook Lynn and Maxie had a well-written conversation about the stress of being involved with a police officer, and how hard it was for Maxie to lose Nathan.
Sonny and Frank delivered a bunch of Corinthos Coffee to Kelly's as a show of support for Carly. (Don't you fucking dare, writers.) Whatever happened with all those coffee accounts that Michael somehow ruined during the early stages of his vendetta against Sonny, anyway?
Sam called Carly to tell her Drew's in solitary.
Cody told Brook Lynn he suspects Gladys' involvement in Sasha's latest breakdown; he later discovered that Gladys didn't put him on Sasha's visitor list at Ferncliff.
Nina stopped by the gatehouse for an impromptu visit with Willow, who can't wait to get back to work.
Anna and Valentin were reunited at last, and discussed the Metro Court shooting in between smooches. Valentin still thinks Victor being behind it is the most sensible explanation.
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