Hello and welcome back to another edition of Critical Diagnosis, fellow General Hospital viewers! I'm facing a terrible time crunch as I write this, but most of the action has been pretty concentrated recently, so I'm hoping I'll be able to dash through this and get it handed in to the mighty Jenn real quick-like. We'll just see about that — but in the meantime, let's take a look back at (most of) what happened on GH last week.
Valentin, Pikeman, and Cyrus, Oh My
I suspect we'll probably never know what the original plans were for the Pikeman story, or the Mason/Austin story, or even the "Anna gets shot at and her house burns down" story. It seems pretty clear that all sorts of things have been altered, invented, or rearranged since the strike started, and as I've said before, I'm not super happy about this turning into yet another storyline about some big boss coming to Port Charles and trying to take Sonny's territory. On the other hand, I do like a good umbrella, and it at least feels like the various components being used by the writers here are being slotted in more or less cleanly rather than crammed into places where they don't really fit.
Needless to say, there's a lot going on with this story right now — it's where the majority of last week's action was focused, so talking about it will probably take up the bulk of this column. It was also a little scattered, so forgive me if I happen to space out and forget a thread or two.
The basic thrust of last week's Pikeman plot points went in a couple directions: First, the show spent a lot of time — chiefly by playing up Dante's suspicions — trying to make us think Valentin is somehow responsible for all the mayhem in Anna's life. We know he lied about where he was the night of the fire, and we also know he's more tangled up with Pikeman than he's admitted to anyone out loud. I'm pretty confident that this is all a fairly flimsy attempt to pull a fast one on the audience, but I find Valentin a lot more entertaining when he's being shady, so I'm not really mad about any of this. And I also like the way Anna is being written here — she knows Valentin isn't being totally honest with her, but she refuses to jump to conclusions; she knows him well, and she knows the spy game even better.
As she told Jordan, Anna has also come to believe that the Metro Court shooting and the arson that destroyed her house may not even be connected, which is a possibility I find intriguing. More on that in subsequent weeks, I suppose.
So in one lane, we have Dante and Anna working to solve the case, along with brief appearances from Robert (who was FINALLY told about the fire — Port Charles must be weird about its DAs) and Sonny, both of whom are concerned for Anna's safety but also more or less willing to get out of her way and let her make her own decisions. Robert and Anna had a sweet moment in her Metro Court room that included the two of them FaceTiming Robin (who was neither seen nor heard, unfortunately); later in the week, Anna stopped by Sonny's always-empty "restaurant" to toss out theories about whatever's going on. We also had a brief meeting between Sonny and Valentin in the midst of all this, which included Sonny threatening to back out of the Pikeman deal and Valentin urging him to reconsider — followed by a brief shot of Valentin talking to someone on the phone and reminding them "I told you it was a mistake to rush things."
In another lane, we have the whole situation with Ava, Austin, Mason, Sonny, and Betty, the latter of whom earned my admiration last week thanks to the baleful stare she gave Dex and Joss when they were making out by the Metro Court pool. All of this remains a sloppily plotted mess, but the basic outline is that Sonny is having Dex tail Betty — which he does about as subtly as he tails Austin — while they wait and see what happens with the bogus information/tracking software Brick put on the files Betty stole.
Ava, meanwhile, remains understandably less than thrilled about leaving Avery in Betty's care, even if it is under Sonny's watchful eye, and she showed up in Austin's office early last week to demand reassurances. Mason also showed up, bringing Austin the unhappy news that it was his job to deliver Sonny's files to "the boss" — after which he met up with an unseen individual outside the hospital. But before that? Well, TJ popped by Austin's office to grab a patient file, and asked Mason if they'd met before.
[umbrella clicks open one more notch]
As multiple folks pointed out on Twitter, TJ was kidnapped by Cyrus' men several years ago… and sure enough, Wednesday's episode gave us the long-awaited reveal that Cyrus is at least one of the individuals that Austin and Mason are working for. Those pieces started clicking visibly into place on Tuesday, when Austin strode past Carly and Drew during their visit at Pentonville — turned out he was there to see Cyrus and give him a post-heart attack checkup, which commenced directly after Cyrus gave himself a remarkably clean-looking shave and straight razor haircut in the shower room.
The conversation between Austin and Cyrus gave us all sorts of revelations, up to and including the long connection between them. Reiterating his plea to be released from servitude for the thousandth time, Austin talked about how happy it used to make his mother when Cyrus would come visit, and he thanked him for taking care of his college bills, but he finished by making it clear that any positive feelings he had for Cyrus had long since been twisted and corrupted beyond recognition. Never not slippery, Cyrus told Austin to "go in peace" — and when pressed for details regarding his plans for the files on the drive Austin slipped into the bottle of baby aspirin he'd prescribed, Cyrus merely responded "God's work."
(This is a lot, and we don't even know everything yet. I typically try to focus more on analysis than recapping in these columns, but last week, the show threw so much information at us where this particular story is concerned that I feel compelled to devote more real estate to running down plot points. Anyway! On we go.)
The final component of all this comes courtesy of Drew, who told Carly that he intervened in the fight between Cyrus and Book because, basically, Cyrus is an older guy and he couldn't turn a blind eye to an elderly inmate getting his ass whooped, even if it was Cyrus Renault. Carly made the surprisingly reasonable point that the other inmates would probably see Drew's intervention as proof of some sort of alliance between the two of them, and retaliate accordingly. I don't know where any of that's destined to lead, but based on Cyrus' emphasis on the word "family" when talking to Austin a couple of weeks ago, I can't help but point out the conversation between Cyrus and Drew that concluded with Cyrus telling him "I owe you my life… I will repay you for everything."
This all amounts to a flurry of incident, all of it placed relatively early in its timeline, so I don't know how much criticism I can really bring to bear at this point — nor do I know how much you'd actually want me to, having already devoted more than a thousand words to little more than "here's what happened." I think for me, it all comes down to the argument that plot motion can be its own reward, at least for a while, and I feel like that's where we are right now with the [deep breath] Sonny/Anna/Cyrus/Pikeman story — I don't know how much faith I have in the writers when it comes to dreaming up a truly impactful conclusion to all of this, but for the moment, the intrigue is enough to keep me interested.
Gladys and Doctor Montague: Hell Awaits Thee
I'm resolving right now to only talk about this cursed storyline as much as I absolutely have to, but it ate up a pretty big chunk of last week's screentime and it appears destined to remain on the front burner for at least a little while longer, so let's hold our noses and do what we must.
The week before last, Cody made an embarrassingly lame attempt at pretending to have suffered some sort of mental break in order to be committed to Ferncliff and somehow save Sasha. He kept at it last week, despite the fact that absolutely no one bought it — not Mac, who stopped by the immaculate Quartermaine stables in a futile bid to try and talk some sense into him, and certainly not Sam, who pointed out over and over again that his plan to give her power of attorney so she could immediately have him committed was 100 percent rock stupid.
Of course, she ended that conversation by agreeing to Cody's plan, but still.
Cody's portion of this story is very stupid — offensively stupid — but if it's the only thing the writers could think of to get Sasha the hell out of Ferncliff, then I'll personally pay for the Emmy. Last week, Gladys finally caught a glimpse of Sasha in her drug-addled state, and to her extremely limited credit, she demanded that Montague release her. Surprising absolutely no one, Montague agreed on the condition that Gladys pay him $50,000 for his trouble — after which Gladys bumped into Selina, who demanded that Gladys settle her massive gambling debt.
Selina was in a mood because of Marshall, who interrupted her bid to buy the Savoy from Curtis and added insult to injury by telling her that her poker game is canceled, effective immediately. Although she put up a brave front by threatening Marshall that she'd eventually dig up some dirt on him — a development that's been overdue ever since the writers conveniently forgot that Marshall was placing phone calls to someone as soon as he showed up in Port Charles — Selina isn't really the type for open conflict, so she started making arrangements for shutting down the game, including closing the books and demanding payment in full. Which is a problem for Gladys, because…
What a Tangled Web We Weave
Deception's being sued for intellectual property theft! Lucy called an emergency meeting at the office on Thursday in order to try and formulate some sort of strategy with Maxie, while directing Brook Lynn to come up with a magic social media post to make everything better. This lawsuit is the reason Gladys is having a hard time paying down her debt to Selina — with the origins of the Deceptor under legal scrutiny, the company's higher-ups are being prevented from selling off any of their stock. This includes Sasha, which renders Gladys' conservatorship effectively useless as a means of surreptitiously getting herself out of trouble with the Wus.
Naturally, Gladys being Gladys, she barged into the meeting with zero chill, demanding that Maxie and Lucy make the lawsuit go away pronto and straight up saying it's because she needs the money. She tried to play it off like she needed it to pay for Sasha's medical bills, but that's the world's dumbest excuse when you're talking to people who have the same insurance plan Sasha does — as evidenced by the quizzical, albeit brief, looks given by Maxie and Lucy while Gladys was going off.
So anyway, I guess Cody's going into Ferncliff, where he will no doubt also be drugged up by Doctor Montague before all this is said and done. At this point, I think the vast majority of the audience would be fine with it if Cody swung into Ferncliff on a goddamn vine, scooped up Sasha, and the show spent the rest of its existence pretending none of this ever happened. Chop chop, fi-core writers. Let's get this dumb thing put to bed.
Deception being sued, however? That can go on for a while, especially if it means we get more Tracy. The coolest, cruelest Quartermaine wasn't super busy last week, but she did have her backgammon game with Finn interrupted by Brook Lynn, who stormed into the Q solarium, knocked the pieces off the table, and demanded to know why she's involved in trying to destroy the company. It's a question that betrays a dismaying lack of historical knowledge on Brook Lynn's part — she should know there's no love lost between Tracy and Lucy — but it led to a little exchange during which Tracy revealed that she's doing all this on behalf of a "company" she's "working with."
Color me intrigued, reader. I look forward to learning more.
There were other storylines that had their fair share of screentime last week, but given that the biggest ones were probably the return of Eddie Maine and Gregory's ALS — both of which I discussed at some length in my previous column — I'm going to get to the bullet points and hand this in. Here's the rest of what's worth mentioning:
Monica called Olivia! Not much to discuss here in terms of plot, but it sure was nice to hear Leslie Charleson's voice. I continue to hold out hope for a few more years of Monica popping up here and there
The Kelly's "refresh" turned out to be minor enough that most people probably wouldn't even have noticed if the show's social media account hadn't pointed it out
Nina ran to Martin and asked him if the SEC is still pressuring him to reveal the identity of the anonymous tipper; he assured her it's taken care of
Trina is back to work at Ava's gallery
Sonny sent Dex to Pentonville to tell Book that Drew is off limits
Willow wants to come back to work
Ava defended Spencer to Portia, arguing that he's good for Trina
Gregory selfishly asked Liz to be there for Finn and Violet after he's gone
Sonny bought Nina a necklace to apologize for barring her from the apartment while Dex was snooping on Betty
Molly and TJ picked a surrogate named Andrea, who's being played by Gregory Harrison's real-life daughter Lily Anne
Felicia watched Stella in action as a GH patient advocate and asked her about her work, after which Stella told Marshall that she felt like she "changed someone's life"
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