Welcome back, fellow General Hospital viewers! We've just made it through a fairly uneventful week, but a lack of new and/or exciting developments on the canvas can't keep me from completing my regularly appointed rounds. I wouldn't say it was a boring week, nor would I say it was a bad one — although there was one scene in particular that may have scarred me for life. For the most part, it was just kind of a filler week. All of which is to say that this column might be shorter than usual…
Cyrus Renault: The Apology Tour
It's always fun when a soap decides to play the hell out of a character unexpectedly showing up where they shouldn't be — Mitch Laurence popping up out of Jared's coffin on One Life to Live will always be the standard-bearer for this type of moment for me — but there's also something to be said for the "slow rollout" approach, which is what GH is doing with Cyrus now that he's out of Pentonville. He spent much of last week creeping softly into various spaces around Port Charles, where he was invariably greeted with some flavor of rage and revulsion before repeating his standard lines about finding religion and begging forgiveness. As a prelude to the day when he inevitably encounters Sonny and we have to hear Maurice Benard yell "son of a bitch" one more time, this is all mostly fine.
Cyrus started his apology tour at GH, where he greeted Portia with a delightfully understated "Doctor Robinson? It's good to see you." This was obviously a quick ticket to a scolding from Portia, who called his release an abomination of justice and promised to seek a restraining order ASAP. Cyrus responded as only Cyrus can — namely, by saying he's been cleansed by faith in a higher power and the justice system has forgiven him, so now he's hoping she can too. When that didn't go anywhere, he subtly needled her about Curtis' physical condition following the Metro Court shooting, after which she ran off and cried while remembering the night Cyrus took her and Trina hostage.
We also saw him at the Metro Court on Monday, where he interrupted a conversation between Kevin, Mac, and Scott so he could have a conversation with his attorney. Scott — who'd just insisted to Mac that he does, in fact, have a conscience — was unhappy about being referred to as Cyrus' lawyer, and pointed out that he'd only agreed to represent him at his hardship release hearing. As we all know, however, Cyrus isn't quick to take no for an answer; instead, he told Scott that he may have further use for him.
Cyrus was back at GH the following day, where he was dragged into a supply closet by Austin, who threatened him with a scalpel. Again, Cyrus remained unflappable; not only did he talk Austin down, but he managed to use him to gain access to Mason's room. Plopping down by his henchman's bedside, he forced Mason to admit that he'd disobeyed Cyrus' direct orders when he decided to try and kill Ava — at which point Cyrus informed Mason (first coolly, then suddenly erupting in rage) that whatever pain he'd been feeling since getting shot would pale in comparison to what would happen to him if he committed another act of betrayal.
Cyrus ended the week at Ava's gallery, where he showed up under the guise of purchasing artwork for his new place. Ava wasn't there, but Trina was — and she was understandably in no mood to sell him anything, which she was in the middle of loudly communicating to him when Spencer showed up. Cyrus tried using Spencer as some sort of character witness, reminding his nephew of his efforts to keep him safe when they were both in prison, but Spencer's no dummy; he stayed mostly silent while Trina continued reaming her boyfriend's ex-con uncle until Cyrus finally gave up and left.
Of course, while Cyrus was busy reintroducing himself to the citizens of Port Charles, they were busy talking about his release — starting with his chief adversary. Always written as the smartest guy in the room, Sonny has of course already come to the conclusion that Cyrus is the shadowy figure that Mason and Austin have been working for, and he spent Monday's episode wheeling and dealing from his office with an eye toward taking him down once and for all.
For the most part, this involved strongarming Selina, who got a lecture about her failure to inform Sonny about Gladys' gambling debts. Ever the Einstein of the northeastern seaboard mafia, he accused her of trying to use Gladys' situation as leverage for gaining information about his business — which we all know she did, albeit briefly. Selina's smooth, though, and she played it off while agreeing to use her resources to help Sonny keep an eye on Cyrus.
Later in the week, Sonny had a visit from Brick, who came helpfully armed with proof of a connection between Cyrus and Mason. These two geniuses deduced that Cyrus' original plan had been to use the falsified Pikeman data to have Sonny sent to prison immediately before his own release, thus paving the way for an uncontested takeover of Corinthos territory. Now that that hasn't happened, Sonny's focused on finding out who else Cyrus is working with.
It's Time for Me to Help Myself
Cyrus is out of the joint and ready to reclaim his life, but Mason looks like he's ready to play the corpse in GH's next murder mystery. Shackled to his hospital bed with nary a lollipop in sight, he spent the week being threatened by Cyrus, Austin, and even TJ — who, in the midst of being yelled at for more pain meds, suddenly remembered that his shifty-eyed patient was the leader of the crew that abducted him years ago.
Justifiably incensed, TJ marched over to his mom's office and told her what he knew before demanding that Mason be prosecuted for kidnapping. Jordan reasonably pointed out that TJ was blindfolded and disoriented during his ordeal, and his memories weren't likely to hold much water with DA Scorpio, which meant he was in a pretty foul mood by the time he made his way back to the hospital. Also in a foul mood? Austin, who TJ observed smothering Mason with a pillow during the closing moments of Friday's show.
Austin, of course, has had no shortage of reasons to want to get rid of Mason for a very long time now, but the inciting incident here was Mason stupidly telling Austin that when the police came around to interview him about Ava's kidnapping, he intended to tell them he'd been working on Austin's orders. Sneering through a variation of the line he fed Ava before dragging her out of the car, Mason accused Austin of looking down on him because he didn't go to college. "You've been a pain in my ass for years," he rasped. "I'm taking you down with me." Finally pushed to his breaking point, Austin gloved up, unplugged Mason's monitor, and went to work.
We all know where this is leading, right? Monday's episode has already aired as I'm writing this, but I don't know what happened, so I can still say that I'm betting TJ will interrupt Austin before he can finish the job — but someone will kill Mason before long, and all signs will point to Austin. We've seen Jordan looking suspicious after questioning Austin about Mason's criminal activities; we've seen Portia and Curtis vowing to find out which doctor spoke on Cyrus' behalf during the hardship release hearing. Even Ava is refusing to take Austin's calls. If someone wanted to kill Mason and make Austin the patsy, it'd be very easy to do at this point. GH is still capable of surprising me, but I can't see the show veering away from a scenario where Mason is dead and his Cuz is Suspect No. 1.
Do You Want to Tell Willow, or Should I?
One of the most common complaints levied against modern soaps is their tendency to skew so plot-driven that the characters themselves are almost incidental. In order for the writers to get from Point A to their preferred Point B, they're required to toss out large chunks of what we know and can observe regarding characters we know well — which would be amateurish enough if Point B was worth getting to, but as often as not, it really isn't.
Enter Michael Karen Motherboy Corinthos III, whose latest trick is bullying people who should know better by invoking the name of the adoptive parent he recently spent a year trying to have sent to prison. On any given day, so much of what we're supposed to believe about Michael is patently ridiculous: He is never remotely believable as a CEO, a grown adult with a dangerous anger problem, or a [dry heave] skilled lover. This shit, though? This takes the cake. Two weeks ago, we watched Michael threaten Martin — an allegedly skilled attorney who has Valentin as a client and was married to the infinitely more intimidating Blair Cramer — into giving up Nina as the person who reported Carly and Drew to the SEC. Last week, though? Last week it got even worse.
Having recorded Martin's confession, Michael was all set to take the recording to Sonny when he was interrupted by Martin, who boomeranged back to the Aurora offices in order to try and dissuade Michael from spilling the beans. His tactic: playing up Nina's sketchy past and painting her as an unpredictable and possibly insane person who might do, y'know, anything if she's backed into a corner. Michael did eventually change his mind, but not because of that silly scene; instead, finding himself unable to destroy Sonny's happiness, he barged into Nina's office and confronted her with what he knew.
What happened next was vintage GH. Not because the scenes gave us an Emmy-worthy highlight reel, but because it started out the way it absolutely should have — with Nina telling Michael to go fuck himself — only to end in an utterly plot-driven shambles, with a suddenly cowed Nina agreeing to go along with Michael's demand that she ask his permission before she see Willow and the kids and that she sell her half of the Metro Court back to Carly despite the fact that Carly can in no way afford to make the purchase.
There isn't much left to say about this hooey for the moment. We've all known for a long time that the SEC storyline would end up somewhere that looked like this. I suppose the official writer regime will be the ones to bring it to its conclusion, which means I have no faith that it'll get better after it gets worse.
That just about does it for the major stuff that happened last week — let's roll out the traditional series of bullet points to take us the rest of the way home:
Lois told Brook Lynn that Tracy intends to give her Deception; Brook Lynn adamantly refused to take it
It sounds like Cody has dropped his lawsuit against the WSB, thank goodness
Cody continued to mope about how he doesn't deserve to have Mac as a father
Tracy demanded that Deception keep Sasha as the face of the company
It seems as though Cyrus might be using the money he donated to the prison's anti-recidivism program as his own personal slush fund
Yuri is the Quartermaine butler now
Drew is in solitary confinement again, probably for his own protection
Obrecht has returned after spending many weeks at a spa
Willow told Obrecht and Nina about her Harmony dreams
Sasha caught Cody talking to a horse and decided to stick around in Port Charles anyway
Liz put her finger in Finn's mouth and I have not eaten since
Felicia screwed up at work, but Stella fixed it
Esme asked for a raise and told Alexis she wants to move out of Laura and Kevin's because she's developing feelings for Spencer
Joss studied with Adam, who might have a Very Special Episode-worthy bad home life
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