Welcome back to Critical Diagnosis, pals! We just concluded another shortened week because everything preempts General Hospital, but the writers packed a lot of action into the abbreviated episode count, so let's dive in.
For me, last week was a case study in how the unique narrative possibilities inherent within longform serial storytelling can often lend added impact to moments that are otherwise deficient in some way. Like every other daytime soap, GH chases its tail a lot, and frequently zigs when it ought to zag, bungling countless opportunities along the way — but the end result is still drama driven by characters the viewer knows intimately, interacting over years or even decades of shared history, and it's frequently satisfying in spite of itself.
All of which is to say that even when I truly hate a storyline, I can still find myself moved by moment-to-moment interactions between the characters — during the scenes shared by Josh Swickard and Gregory Harrison last week, for example. By and large, I'd say the actors deserve the lion's share of the credit for this, but no matter how you slice it, soaps keep hanging onto their specific brand of magic no matter how much the networks slash budgets or preempt episodes. We're definitely living in an era of diminished daytime, but there's stuff you can only get from a show that's been on five days a week for many years, and right now I'm feeling rather grateful for that.
It's Okay, Dad
Okay, so look. As I wrote a few columns ago, I find this whole "Gregory has ALS" storyline to be rather offensive on a fundamental level, and I wish the writers hadn't decided to touch this particular third rail. That being said, this corner of the canvas currently has a couple of major things going for it — specifically the talent of the actors involved and the writers' willingness to allow their characters to behave in a way that makes sense given everything we know about them.
When last we left Chase, he was wrecked over hearing about his father's illness courtesy of Tracy, who'd mistakenly assumed that his red-lined eyes were the result of some sort of setback in Gregory's condition. This sparked a little tiff between Chase and Finn, and led to a really rather sweet conversation between Chase and Brook Lynn, during which Josh Swickard delivered some very solid, quiet work while reflecting on Chase and Gregory's relationship. Finn, meanwhile, hustled over to Alexis' office, where he found Gregory and alerted him to Tracy's faux pas.
This all led to a four-course acting meal for Swickard and Harrison. Gregory hightailed it to Chase's apartment, where he found his younger son crying, and he immediately apologized for not telling him about his diagnosis sooner, explaining he'd done it out of selfishness — Chase's open-heartedness and optimism have always been an anchor for Gregory, and he wanted to continue soaking that in as long as he could. Chase, true to form, immediately forgave his father, saying that if being around him helped Gregory in his time of need, then that was the most important thing. Then Finn showed up and there was a big group lovefest for the whole family (minus Jackie, who hasn't even been mentioned in what feels like years).
Again: I hate this storyline. I think it's borderline irresponsible. But we were treated to some really fine acting here, and I'm also generally inclined to applaud whenever GH resists the urge to use some dumb misunderstanding as low-calorie grist for a senseless vendetta. Given what we know about these characters, of course Chase would be hurt and shattered by the news of Gregory's illness and the fact he was the last to hear it, and of course Gregory and Finn would want to mend fences as fast as possible — and of course Chase would be quick to forgive. The fact that it actually played out this way is to the show's credit.
I still think we're going to be sailing down a river of shit for the remainder of this storyline, but hey. Credit where credit's due.
I Know You
When Brook Lynn wasn't busy consoling Chase last week, she was tangled up in the latest round of Quartermaine drama, which was happily sparked by the long-overdue return of her mom.
BLQ barged into the Quartermaine mansion on Wednesday and demanded to see Tracy, who swanned into the foyer, eyebrow arched, and asked her why she was screaming. Brook Lynn, of course, was all kinds of pissed about Tracy spilling the beans about Gregory's ALS to Chase, but thanks to the last few moments of Monday's episode, we already knew that Lois was on her way back to Port Charles and ready to interrupt this little showdown — and interrupt it she did, showing up on the Qs' doorstep before Brook Lynn and her granny could get too far into their latest beef.
I don't know how much sense Lois currently makes as a long-term fixture on the canvas, but there are tons of short-term possibilities feeding into her return, and most if not all of them were immediately explored. You've got Lois ready to square off against Tracy for blackmailing Brook Lynn; you've got Olivia and Lois having a screaming reunion after way too many years apart; you've got Lois coming face to face with Eddie Maine, who greeted her with a befuddled "I know you."
The writing on this show being what it is, I'm tempering my expectations for all of the above, and resigning myself to sit through some sort of corny Lois-Eddie-Olivia triangle for about as long as Rena Sofer's back — although it'll be worth it if I also get to watch Lois fighting with Tracy.
My most significant beef with all of this, at least at this particular juncture, is that the reason for Ned's amnesia, and the spark that lit the whole silly "return of Eddie Maine" saga, was his involvement in the godawful SEC story — and based on events that took place in that storyline last week, it seems like Eddie's been lifted right out of there. I'll get further into that in a minute, but for now, just let me say that it didn't have to be this way. Yes, I absolutely loathe the SEC storyline, but if you're going to use a story to trigger a fundamental change in a character, doesn't it make sense to keep that character woven in? I mean, it's great for Eddie and/or Ned to not be associated with something so stupid, but honestly, Eddie's current existence is awfully stupid in and of itself, and I'm afraid the writers are barreling full speed into a very unsatisfying cul-de-sac. I hope I'm wrong — these actors deserve better, and so do their characters.
A Client's a Client
Before we get further into my concerns regarding the apparent sharp turn regarding Ned's amnesia, let's take a little detour into Pentonville, where Cyrus was summoned into the visiting room after hours so Warden Garten could meet with him outside the security cameras' watchful eye. They had a predictably testy exchange, with the warden telling Cyrus she'd gotten a new job overseeing all the federal prisons in Texas; when Cyrus responded by asking her what she intended to do about the Drew situation, she told him that "Drew Cain will be taken care of, and this time for good."
We next saw Cyrus at the courthouse, where he and Austin met before Cyrus' hearing before a judge for a "hardship release" driven by his allegedly frail health and advanced age (Jeff Kober is only 69! Nice). Cyrus was represented by Scott, who grumbled "a client's a client" and referenced the apparently exorbitant sum that Cyrus somehow paid him despite supposedly donating all of his money to anti-recidivism programs at the prison — and Scott, along with Austin, did his job, advocating for Cyrus persuasively enough that all signs point to him being granted an absurdly early parole. None of this makes a damn bit of sense, but it'll put Cyrus back in the mix in Port Charles, so I'm giving it an enthusiastic pass.
Anyway, in the meantime, Cyrus got one last prison visit from Laura, who was there to see her brother have a rageful meltdown over the fact that he's locked up in prison while Sonny Corinthos not only walks free, but is widely regarded as a pillar of the community. As the motivation for whatever Cyrus has been doing to screw with Sonny, this does seem rather childish and petty; on the other hand, Cyrus is absolutely not wrong, and is in fact giving voice to a not-insignificant segment of the audience that's been deathly tired of GH's rampant Sonny-propping for decades. (If you read this column regularly, you know I'm a charter member of this group.)
I'm not sure there's much to really look forward to here. As I said, I'm cheered by the prospect of Cyrus skulking around town again, but I can't envision any conclusion for this storyline that doesn't look and feel like an absolute dead end. We all know Cyrus isn't going to win in any conflict with Sonny, so what's the point of that — and I have zero faith in any GH writing staff's ability to juggle Cyrus vs. Sonny against whatever the hell is going on with Pikeman. There's a lot of possibility here, but there's also a ton of possibility for the show to muddle up everything, only to return us to the same old status quo once it's over. I'm skeptical, but for the moment, I think we should be able to look forward to a few fun moments.
We Didn't See Your Dad, But We Know He's Alive
Before visiting Cyrus in Pentonville, Laura returned home with Kevin, where she found a fatigued Esme at her wit's end after spending one (1) weekend as a single mom while Spencer was off in New York City with Trina. Plenty of people have bellyached quite loudly about the show's extraordinarily clumsy efforts to redeem Esme post-amnesia, and it isn't hard to agree; the character served her purpose, but there's no apparent reason for her to stick around in her current incarnation, and any attempt to contrive some sort of reconciliation between her and Spencer is miles beyond dumb.
I mean, look — is it reasonable to assume that real people would grapple over how to treat a person who'd done heinous things before losing their memory? Absolutely. It's a complicated question, and one not without its share of soapy possibilities. But Esme has little to no value as a sympathetic character, and Ace certainly doesn't need to be on the canvas right now; they could just as easily had her skip town with the kid, opening the possibility for a return several years from now. This domestic crap isn't serving anybody.
Nevertheless, it's what we've got, so after Laura found Esme in distress, Spencer returned to the apartment and spent a few minutes co-parenting with Esme before having a tough conversation with Laura about Nikolas. After being told that Laura thinks there's enough proof to assume Nikolas is still alive, Spencer said he hopes his father stays away — a variation on the same conversation they've had more times than any of us can count, but still emotionally affecting thanks to the reliably stellar work of the actors involved. Spencer has no reason to want Nikolas around at this point, and frankly, I'm not sure the audience does either; that character's been written into so many thankless corners that I really don't envy any writing staff's task when it comes to turning him back into a functional leading man. That being said, it's easy to understand the depths of Laura's love for her son, and Nicholas Alexander Chavez remains one of the show's strongest (albeit most perplexingly underused) young talents. Whenever Spencer and Laura share a scene, they've got my undivided attention.
Trina's Home! Now Where's Her Dad?
Before returning to Laura and Kevin's apartment, Spencer dropped off Trina at home, where she sat for a few minutes and talked with Curtis about her romantic getaway. The dialogue was sweet and the actors have a fine rapport, but we're now going on what feels like at least a month since we've seen or heard from/about Taggert, which is frankly inexcusable at this point. The show made a huge deal about Trina being forced to find a way to build a relationship with her biological father without hurting the man who raised her, only to saddle the latter with an insta-drinking problem and quickly shoving him offscreen.
Full disclosure: I didn't really watch GH during the majority of the '90s, so I really only caught the tail end of Taggert's run when I came back to the show around 2002 or so. I don't have any particular nostalgia attached to the character, nor do I have a strong allegiance to him. What I do feel strongly about is the idea that if you make the decision to bring a character back, you should good and goddamn well do your best to utilize them in an impactful way, and while I understand that various real-world factors can make these situations almost untenably complicated, it's ridiculous for the show to give Taggert a front-burner storyline and then make him disappear. We went from this guy supposedly getting ready to apply to be the new Port Charles police commissioner to him becoming the invisible man. If Réal Andrews is healthy and available to work, then GH needs to get its shit together and pick up his storyline where they left off — not that I think "Daddy has a drinking problem" is the most original route to follow, but come on.
Anyway. The Ashford/Robinson corner of the canvas was more or less in a holding pattern last week — Stella spent some time showing Felicia the ropes of patient advocacy at GH, while Portia accepted Terry's offer to become the new co-chief of staff. Selina came by the house with a gift basket and a renewed push to try and get Curtis to accept her offer to purchase the Savoy, which was met by Stella with delightful disdain. (Vernee Watson: never not great.)
Wedding Bell (Soon-to-Be) Blues
Last and also mostly least although I do admit I enjoyed some of it much to my own surprise, we have the long-awaited marital union of Sonny and Nina, who followed through on their plans to elope by jetting off to Sonny's private island. Surprising no one except Nina, Willow and Michael went along, as did Kristina; this led to a series of sweet moments between Nina and Willow that we all unfortunately know are only a prelude to the series of screaming arguments that are sure to arise once everyone finds out that Nina had the audacity to tell the SEC that Carly was guilty of insider trading.
Ugh, we'll get to that in a minute. Again, I'm here to tell you that despite my low tolerance for all things Sonny, the days leading up to the ceremony were fairly enjoyable — even the bit that included Harmony returning from the grave again to tell Willow she had to warn her away from some grave danger, only to once again lose her ability to make sounds with her mouth when it came time to actually tell her what exactly is going on. These were my favorite scenes so far involving Kate Mansi as Kristina — she seems to really be settling into the character, owning her own unique relationships with the other members of the family, and I'm also curious to see where the show intends to take her budding relationship with Blaze (who texted while Kristina was on the island).
Yes, Sonny has been married a billion times. Yes, they probably should have tailored that tan suit a little tighter. Yes, it's always a bit cheesy when this show decides it's time to go to the island. All of that being said, there was a lightness to these scenes that I really enjoyed; the writers and actors played it pretty appropriately, given that the bride and groom are way too, uh, experienced to treat this type of wedding as anything other than a sincere commitment at a specific moment in time.
The only sour element was the one we all knew was hanging over this couple, as it had been for months: specifically, the show's absurd insistence on treating Nina narcing on Carly as some sort of horrible transgression rather than the factual reporting of a real, idiotic crime. A show like GH can't have characters like Sonny and Nina get married without the seeds of their demise ready to be sown, and acknowledging this is part of the devil's bargain we strike when we commit to fandom. That being said, I will argue that the way they chose to handle this was not only lame and unsatisfying, but also super weird — namely, Michael getting on the phone with some unnamed informant and discovering Nina's role firsthand.
There are so many more compelling ways this could have gone. Again, what was even the point of having Ned hit his head and wake up thinking he's Eddie if not to tie this back into the (horrible) SEC storyline? If Michael knew someone who could give him irrefutable evidence regarding the identity of the person who tipped off the SEC, then why did it take this long for that conversation to happen? More importantly, for goodness' sake, why did the writers think it was a good idea to put this in the hands of Chad Duell, whose angry face is no more imposing than the one my puppy makes when he scrunches up his lips before lunging in to lick someone?
I am annoyed, dear reader, and I am also tired. At the moment, I'm clinging to the slim hope that Sonny, who has stood by Nina's side through all sorts of bullshit, will take a deep breath and sigh and resolve to work through this with her, if only because I deeply do not want to see yet another Carly/Sonny redux. I'm resigned to Nina and Willow's budding relationship being blown up over this, because Willow is dumb and self-righteous and Nina's lot in life seems to forever include at least one person having a blood oath against her. I'm not really looking forward to any of this, but it is what it is, and at least we had a couple days of fun on the island before the shit hit the fan.
Meanwhile, back in Port Charles, Pilar showed up at Joss' dorm room in search of Ava, which makes absolutely no sense, but okay fine whatever. (At least it stopped Joss from whining about not being invited to a wedding she never would have wanted to attend in the first place.) Dex happened to be there at the same time, of course, and these three doofuses put their heads together to deduce that something had to be wrong with Ava — so Joss ferried out to Wyndemere with Dex and interrogated Giles, who mentioned that although he didn't know where Ava was, he had found a shattered martini glass and (sigh) lollipop left behind.
And what do GH characters do when there's a mystery to solve and they have nowhere else to turn? Why, they turn to Spinelli, of course, which is how Joss and Dex ended up at Spinelli's house — which is apparently crammed full of A/V equipment that's supposed to look like computer magic — and sat down with him to review footage from Wyndemere the night Ava disappeared. Lo and behold, our pal Mason was caught on camera mere moments before he absconded with Ms. Jerome.
And where's Ava? Locked in some sort of basement, where she's being taunted by Mason. This story is unworthy of Maura West, and once it's over, she deserves something truly juicy. Also being done dirty: Roger Howarth, who showed off his presumably yoga-induced flexibility when he twisted himself into enough of a contortion to make it look like shrimpy Dex was big and strong enough to A) sock Austin super-hard in the gut and B) put a chokehold on him. As Jenn herself has noted, GH's insistence on fashioning Dex as some sort of Jason Jr. isn't doing anybody any favors. It's patently silly at best, and it stretches the suspension of disbelief that all soaps regularly require beyond its natural limit. Evan Hofer seems like a nice guy! He's talented enough! Stop asking him to take part in this nonsense. If the show absolutely HAS to have a new Jason, make it a guy who can at least pretend to be physically imposing.
That's MOST of what happened last week. Now for your obligatory bullet points!
Lucy called a Deception meeting (and actual employees showed up!) to let everyone know she'd decided to accept Tracy's 49/51 percent offer, thus giving up her ELQ voting stock
Carly and Alexis formed an unholy duo to dig into the judge who sentenced Drew, in the process discovering that he's a Clarence Thomas type who's been on vacation with a billionaire. Thomas is beyond awful, but I have zero faith in this show's ability to use his comically craven corruption as the basis for a worthwhile storyline
Bearded Yuri sighting!
Terry proved that she's the only person on Earth who is the slightest bit interested in whatever Finn and Elizabeth did in the GH shower
Lucy called a Deception meeting (and actual employees showed up!) to let everyone know she'd decided to accept Tracy's 49/51 percent offer, thus giving up her ELQ voting stock
Carly and Alexis formed an unholy duo to dig into the judge who sentenced Drew, in the process discovering that he's a Clarence Thomas type who's been on vacation with a billionaire. Thomas is beyond awful, but I have zero faith in this show's ability to use his comically craven corruption as the basis for a worthwhile storyline
Bearded Yuri sighting!
Terry proved that she's the only person on Earth who is the slightest bit interested in whatever Finn and Elizabeth did in the GH shower
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