Howdy, folks! Profuse apologies for the extreme lateness of this column, but full disclosure: I wrote the last edition from the waiting room while my eldest child was in surgery, and yesterday was our one-week post-op consult, so it's been kind of a draining week. (He's doing fine!) Perhaps just as importantly — at least for the purposes of Critical Diagnosis — last week was an extremely uneventful one in Port Charles, so I've been struggling to come up with much of anything to say about what went down.
Long story short: I'm not really sure how this one's going to go. I'll just wing it and hope you come along for the ride. Here we go…
Anna, Dante, Brennan, and Hume, Oh My
If there was one story that really went anywhere last week, it was this one; for all I know, I'll finish writing about it and fall back on bullet points for the rest. In general, what we saw was the now-standard blend of solid acting mixed with severely inconsistent writing, including a dollop of what currently seems to me like some preposterously lame continuity management — but more on that last bit in a minute.
The week started with Dante telling Sam about Forsythe's body being confiscated by the WSB, as well as his theory that the Bureau must not be aware of the locker key found under the sole of Forsythe's shoe. Sam expressed her fears for Dante's safety, but he assured her he'd be careful while making a point of underscoring how this is personal for him because of his own time with the WSB — after seeing what happened with Forsythe's body and the arson report, he's come to the conclusion that the Bureau has been abusing its power and it needs to be held accountable.
The following day, Dante finally made his way to the train station and let himself into Forsythe's locker; meanwhile, Brennan met with Hume and told him to go back to D.C. — but to find the report from that botched op first. In what was either an interesting storyline crumb or simply a goof-up, Brennan casually mentioned that "someone" eliminated Forsythe sooner than they should have, because he was still worth more to them alive than dead; either way, he reiterated that the report would compromise the WSB if it fell into the wrong hands, and if Forsythe ultimately passed it to another person, that person would need to be "dealt with."
After taking a wrapped package out of Forsythe's locker, Dante made his way to a bank where he'd rented a safe deposit box. Alone in the room reserved for those boxes, he opened the package and found an assortment of stuff, including the WSB report filched from Anna's trunk as well as a wallet and a trio of what appeared to be passport photos depicting Anna, Forsythe, and — surprise! — Brennan. After muttering "Who are you?" to himself, Dante put everything except for the wallet in the box and left the bank.
The day after that, Dante filled Sam in on what he'd found, intimating that the actual contents of the WSB report didn't really absolve Anna to the degree she'd been telling everyone. This led to a rather nuanced conversation about the nature of memory and how we tend to make ourselves the hero in any story over time; although Dante stressed to Sam that he trusts Anna, these scenes deliberately left open the question of whether Anna was really a victim of other agents' incompetence during the busted op.
Much as I tend to lack patience where the show's efforts to shroud Anna in shades of gray are concerned, I didn't mind this conversation at all — what irritated me was Dante's quick run-through of the op's details. Anna was apparently involved in a Bureau attempt to get an Eastern Bloc general to defect during the Cold War, assigned to pose as a girlfriend in order to get the target across the border. So far, so good — except while mentioning that the defection was supposed to happen in exchange for $10 million, Dante said those would have been 1987 dollars, meaning Anna would have been traipsing around Eastern Europe for the WSB while she was co-police chief of the PCPD and also busy falling in love with Duke Lavery.
It was a quick, passing thing and I have no idea how many other people heard it, so I guess it could easily be altered, but it's also what folks in the sports world refer to as an unforced error. I feel like any dope wandering down any random hallway at the studio could have told the writers that 1987 was a dumb year to pick for this. I probably shouldn't be as annoyed as I am, but then again, what's the point of keeping a show running for 60 years if you aren't going to bother leveraging its history in a meaningful way? It's one thing to bungle minor details here and there — it's bound to happen when so many of them exist — but we're talking about the general timeline of a major character. Come on.
ANYWAY. Dante handed Sam the wallet, and she found a 21-digit string of numbers in it. Clearly a bank account. We'll see where this goes. But before we leave this corner of the canvas, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the conversation that took place between Joss and Dex on Monday, during which he oh so nobly unburdened himself of his childhood pain yet again, telling her about what a big fat jerk his dad and brothers are. I mention this here because as much as it pains me to type the words, I'm 99 percent certain that — at least of the time of that script's writing, which took place shortly before the end of the writers' strike — the plan must have been to make Dex Brennan's son. I can only assume that's up in the air now that the fi-core writers are off the job, but it's also exactly the type of overly schematic "imagine both of us ending up in the same town" type of writing that's been used as a cheap substitute for soap character development for decades. I'm still laying even odds.
Ava's Got a Gun
Having finally fled Wyndemere, Ava ended up back in her old apartment, which is being leased to her by Nina, the person she sold it to. (Smart move on Nina's part to lease instead of sell — odds seem high that she'll end up bunking with Ava again for at least a little while after the truth about her involvement in that SEC stuff comes to light.) After the movers left, she made an unsettling discovery: another picture of Austin's corpse, along with a note saying DON'T TELL ANYONE. Nina entered shortly thereafter, and naturally Ava immediately did exactly what the note told her not to do — which led to the very definition of a pointless soap conversation, running down all the reasons Ava is an appealing suspect in Austin's murder investigation and adding zero new information along the way.
Well, maybe I'm being a little harsh — during this largely pointless exchange of dialogue, Ava did at least make it clear that she's deduced Austin's involvement in nursing Nikolas back to health, as well as her growing belief that it's Nikolas who killed Austin and Nikolas who's lurking around trying to rattle her and/or implicate her in the murder. And wouldn't you know it, after Nina left, Ava went to her desk and opened the drawer, where she found a gun and a note saying YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEED IT.
Later in the week, Ava got another visitor in the form of Carly, who seized on the opportunity to tell Ava that she's clearly wound tight as a drum and probably in some sort of trouble — and for Avery's sake, her best move is to tell Sonny she needs help before it's too late. This was good advice, but Carly is annoying, so Ava told her to butt out and ushered her out of the apartment before scurrying to her gun safe, removing the gun, and muttering, "Dammit, Nikolas, are you back?"
Well, we all know Ava didn't murder Austin, but a bunch of other folks in Port Charles are still trying to figure out who did — including Martin and Laura, who met up in Laura's office to ask each other whether they believe Cyrus is the one who either pulled the trigger or arranged for it to happen. After Martin left, Sonny arrived and set Laura at ease by pointing out that although her brother is definitely capable of committing murder, he isn't dumb; at the time of Austin's death, Cyrus probably couldn't have known Austin was getting ready to flip on him, so he still would have been seen as an asset — and anyway, he just got out of prison, and he wouldn't be careless enough to commit a crime and get himself locked up again.
This all makes sense. On the other hand, it makes no sense for Nikolas to be the one behind Austin's murder, at least not if the show intends to get any kind of use out of Nikolas as a front-burner protagonist ever again. The darkest, trolliest part of my heart thinks it'd be funny if the fi-core writers decided to load up this murder mystery with red herrings that canceled each other out as a way to mess with the returning regime, but it's just as likely that all parties involved have simply out-clevered themselves and have set this story up to trip over itself on the way to its conclusion. Poor Austin! He can't even get a decent storyline on his way off the canvas.
Everyone's Blackmailing Nina
At this point, I can only assume that Frank Valentini is in love with the way Cynthia Watros plays "frantically guilty," because it's the most likely explanation I can think of for the way GH has written Nina for as long as I can remember. There isn't anything wrong with a little good old-fashioned blackmail on a soap — in fact, it's probably one of the most basic ingredients of a compelling daytime drama — but it's starting to feel like everyone in town is lining up to put the screws to Mrs. Corinthos because she had the audacity to report a crime. I've already whined at length in this space about my feelings regarding this show's fucked-up moral compass, so I won't do it again here; I'll just say I don't find it very entertaining, and I also tend to think this storyline's latest developments are further examples of ongoing failures of imagination on the part of the writers.
To wit: Ned finally confronted Nina last week — letting himself into her office and interrupting a heart-to-heart with Willow in the process — and for the briefest of moments, it seemed like things were about to take an interesting turn, because he led off the conversation by telling her he wanted to make a deal with her.
Pause, for a moment, to consider that while Ned has every right to be pissed at Nina for letting him twist in the wind and take the fall for that call to the SEC, he's also supposed to be a savvy businessman who's definitely indulged in his own fair share of skullduggery. He also has a long and not altogether pleasant history with Carly. Given all of this — as well as the fact that, I repeat, Nina reported an actual crime — I don't think it's that much of a stretch to imagine a scenario in which Ned sees an opportunity to throw in with Nina in order to further his own ends. The show already passed on its chance to do this with Nina and Michael — which would have been delicious, by the way — but this one arrived with a much easier layup.
It should come as no surprise, then, that the writers let this one sail by as well. Instead, Ned became Blackmailer Number Two, threatening to end his silence unless Nina could somehow come up with inside information on Aurora. The end goal is the same one I described in my fantasy version of this scenario; the only difference is that this one gives Nina more reasons to freak out about her life blowing up. Again, I don't see the point of piling on like this — and I say this not as a Nina fan, but as a fan of storylines that aren't afraid to indulge in the opportunity to create strange bedfellows in situations like this. When a soap is running right, its characters are forever spinning on multiple carousels of vendettas and alliances; you're forever one unfortunate decision away from sworn enemies being forced to join forces in order to take down someone they hate even more. It's fun to watch! This, on the other hand, is day-old oatmeal. Admittedly, I prefer it to Carly's endless Martyr Era, but not by a massive margin.
Anyway. In response to Ned's demand, Nina quite sensibly pointed out that although she's half owner of the building that houses Aurora's offices, she has no real access to anything resembling inside information on the company. He responded that she's proven in the past how resourceful she can be when her back's against the wall. I call bullshit here because I can't remember a single Nina scheme that hasn't blown up in her face, but whatever, this is where we are right now.
Brook Lynn's Deception
I didn't really devote any space to it in the last column, but I was kind of impressed with the decision to put Maxie in financial distress; I thought the way it was handled was fairly smart and sensitive, not to mention all too believable. Shame on me, I guess, for not suspecting that it would immediately be used as grist for Brook Lynn's continued transmogrification from hot mess into a paragon of virtue. My memories of the character's teen years are somewhat hazy and I was tuned out during her "seducing Dante at Carly's behest" era, so I'm not the right person to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway: I'm not sure GH has ever really known what to do with Brook Lynn. I think she's had her bright spots in recent years, but for the most part, I feel like she hasn't been much fun since she knocked boots with Valentin. Even her lies have been boring, and at least one of them led to some dreadfully unwatchable places. She needs a course in Remedial Quartermaine.
Here's what I'm complaining about: Last Tuesday, Brook Lynn overheard Maxie fending off Felicia's offer to liquidate a portion of her and Mac's retirement portfolio in order to pull Maxie out of debt. Instantly guilt-stricken, BLQ offered to use some of her money to help Maxie, but Maxie again refused, even after Brook Lynn bluntly pointed out that she's a trust fund baby and can absolutely afford to loan plenty of money to a friend.
So here's Brook Lynn's Plan B: Accept Tracy's offer to come back to Deception and eventually run the joint — only unbeknownst to Tracy, she's planning to then wrest the company away from her granny and give it to Maxie. (Lucy has been mean to Brook Lynn, so she's out of luck. Sasha is a non-factor, I guess.) On the surface, there isn't a lot wrong with this; Deception in general has been so comically thinly written that its only real purpose is storyline fuel for lowest-common-denominator corporate espionage scenarios, and Brook Lynn secretly plotting against Tracy offers at least theoretically fertile ground. The problem I see is longer term: Brook Lynn might as well be a nun at this point, and in saddling her with noble motives across the board, the show's jamming her into a corner. I'm pretty sure it's plain to most viewers that GH is currently relying on Tracy's periodic returns to save its ass from the plethora of saintly vanilla protagonists scattered about the canvas, but that can't go on forever. I don't know why the writers are so allergic to mountebanks and vixens, but the end result is actively hostile to good story.
Also: Let's be real. Brook Lynn couldn't take Tracy down if she had a hundred-yard running start. This all still beats SEC BS and virtually anything Corinthos-related, but at the moment, it feels like some pretty thin gravy. As ever, I stand ready and willing to be proven wrong.
Equal Time for Sonny
If you've read this column for any length of time, you know I'm not pro-Sonny, or at least the piously framed yet also occasionally conveniently murderous Sonny that GH insists on giving us. I try to be as fair as possible, however, so I'm setting aside a little space to praise the conversation that took place between Sonny and Kristina at the Metro Court last week. Apparently, no matter who's playing her, she's the one person in town who can consistently make her dad seem like a human being instead of a third-grader's idea of a mob boss.
This time around, it happened because the two of them were having dinner with Donna, who suddenly has more lines than a quarter of the cast. Left alone after Trish took Donna to the kitchen for some pre-dinner dessert, father and daughter discussed Kristina's offer to serve as surrogate for Molly and TJ; immediately after hearing the news, he asked her how her "singer friend" would feel about it, noting that when Blaze arrived in Puerto Rico, he saw Kristina light up in a way she hadn't since she was with Parker. Kristina demurred, telling Sonny that she and Blaze are still just getting to know each other, to which Sonny responded that if things change and the two of them get more serious, he'll be happy for her. A small moment, but a sweet one; again, I insist that Sonny has far more utility as a character who offers counsel than one who screams "son of a bitch" and threatens to shoot people. It might also cut down on baldly desperate attempts to make sure we know he's actually the nicest guy in the world, like the load of crap we got when he stopped by GH last week to pay for all of the hospital's holiday decorations and celebrations.
Speaking of loads of crap, ol' Sonny was the center of what passed for a Friday cliffhanger last week, when Donna and Michael went shopping together and Donna wished on a star that she'd find the cap Mike wore all the time before he died. Wouldn't you know it turned up on a park bench in Rice Plaza, of all places? A holiday miracle. Pass the Dramamine.
I think that pretty much does it for last week's major developments. With the union writers returning, I'm sure our next edition will be packed — until then, here are your customary column-closing bullet points. Thanks again for your patience!
Curtis told Marshall about the new procedure that could restore his ability to walk
Lois and Olivia told Tracy that Ned isn't Eddie anymore
Tracy told Ned to put his guitar in the attic and focus on keeping Michael from taking over ELQ
Violet asked Gregory why he's using a cane now
Liesel rebuffed Scott's attempts to get back together; suddenly very horny, Scott then invited Lucy to join him on a holiday trip to Florida so they could visit Serena
A hundred people had the same conversation about Kristina acting as Molly and TJ's surrogate
Trina and Joss discovered that Adam the Ultimate Softboi plays guitar, but he's afraid to pursue a career in music because his dad is mean
Brennan flirted with Carly some more
Monica returned for the sole purpose of telling the GH lawyer that the hospital had decided not to pursue a settlement offer with the Muldoons
Amy Driscoll made one of her biannual appearances
Robert and Diane made the beast with two backs; the following morning, she insisted that she be his top priority even if Anna or Holly are in trouble, and he agreed
Kristina told Blaze about the surrogacy; Blaze told Kristina that she supports her… and she's interested in exploring a relationship
Sasha gave Cody a book of Monument Valley photos, and they talked in the stables about how he ever so virtuously refuses to interfere with her grieving
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