I'll say this much for recent goings-on in Port Charles: We can at least give these episodes credit for slowing down enough to highlight somewhat normal conversations between friends, and depicting those bonds in ways the show frequently forgets to do. I'm not going to argue that it makes for scintillating television when it takes up so much of the final product, but on a certain level, it's good to see characters simply talking rather than solely serving as plot delivery mechanisms.
Anyway. Enough editorializing about the show in general — let's get down to details.
Kristina's Big Week
After making its big debut as the spot where Kristina once again offered to serve as Molly and TJ's surrogate, Kristina's apartment stayed busy last week — primarily as the place where Kristina and Blaze (a.k.a. Alison Rogers) finally got around to the smooch we all knew was coming.
Here's how it went down: After making her offer, Kristina took Molly home, reassuring Molly that she was indeed serious about being her surrogate and then quickly skedaddling once TJ walked in. Before heading home, she texted Blaze and asked to see her; Blaze's answer was such a hearty "yes" that she was actually waiting outside the door before Kristina got home. They chatted over champagne, with talk eventually turning to Kristina's relationship history — including her affair with Parker. With that subtle green light given, Blaze leaned in for a kiss, which Kristina gladly returned.
Soaps gotta soap, of course, so the immediate question here is which big obstacle stands between our new lovebirds and happily ever after. The answer quickly arrived in the form of Blaze's "very Catholic" family, which she described as the type of super judgy clan that would go so far as to cut off one of her uncles for being gay. I have to say I'm not wild about this; we've seen countless stories about queer love being thwarted by intolerance, and I'd find it pretty refreshing if instead of feeling forced to skulk in the shadows, Blaze had a big problem that was something a tad more original and ideally not focused on her sexuality. Blaze is a pop star and Kristina has historically been a chaotic mess — they've been fun to watch together, and they deserve a story built on something more vibrant than the musty old "prejudiced abuela" storyline that's currently being threatened.
We'll see where it leads. In the meantime, TJ — after a perfectly understandable moment of being baffled by Molly's sudden change of heart — quickly followed her lead and agreed to accept Kristina's offer of surrogacy. They popped by Kristina's apartment later in the week to officially ask her if she was still willing; she said yes, and after they left, she texted Blaze to tell her she had big news.
A Very Hallmark Wedding
Speaking of saying yes, Brook Lynn answered in the affirmative to Chase's marriage proposal — after she demurred, that is, initially telling him he didn't have to ask her to marry him just because Lois and Gloria both wanted to know when he'd get around to popping the question. He quickly assured her that he'd purchased the ring weeks ago and had been planning on asking her over Christmas, but felt moved to speed things up after BLQ's mother and grandmother broached the subject. She told him she wanted him to ask her again, he obliged, and she said yes.
Re-proposing turned out to be the theme of the week for Chase — when the newly betrothed couple visited Finn's apartment to help decorate the Charlie Brown tree that Violet picked out, they made their big announcement in front of the perpetually pucker-mouthed doctor, as well as Violet, Elizabeth, and Gregory, at which point Violet demanded that Chase ask Brook Lynn to marry him all over again. After that, still not satisfied, she made Chase play guitar while she sang an original song (you probably don't need me to tell you that it played over a montage). And now we all have diabetes.
As I've said before, I try to limit this column to what we see onscreen, so I'm not going to get too deep into the hows and whys of the Chase clan's steep fall from grace with a hefty chunk of the GH viewership. I'll just say that between Finn pouting about being sued for malpractice, Gregory slowly succumbing to the ravages of ALS, Chase perpetually one flannel away from a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie, and Violet waterboarding the audience with adorableness, it's arguably never been clearer that whoever might be writing the show, this family rarely seems to have what it takes to support front-burner status. If all of them were suddenly vaporized on the next episode, the effects would be minimal — and I say that as someone who has appreciated the talent of every actor in question. They're just being handed mawkish drivel, and I fear it's only going to get worse.
Picture it now: Brook Lynn and Chase getting married by Violet, who officiates from a stepladder as Gregory drools from a wheelchair and Finn, now poverty-stricken after being sued into oblivion, has to cut out early so he can make his shift scrubbing toilets at GH while Elizabeth cheers him on. It's an absurd scenario, but one I can picture the writing staff being… wildly committed to.
Okay. Anyway. One thing I left out: In between bossing Chase around, Violet also found time to ask Finn when he'd be getting around to buying a ring for her Auntie Elizabeth. Dare we hope for a double wedding? Dare we?
Comedy = Tragedy + GH
I'm going to keep this section fairly brief, because I've already discussed this stuff before, but I don't want to relegate it to bullet points this week, and I just finished praising a group of actors while lamenting the stuff they're being asked to play. Along similar lines, let us pause to pour one out for poor Nicholas Alexander Chavez and Robert Gossett, both of whom had to act out Major Sads last week with unintentionally hilarious results.
Spencer, as we all know, has been consumed with pre-grief over the very thought of his baby brother moving several blocks away. Well, the big day has finally arrived, and with it came the unfortunate sight of Spencer blubbering like a fool while telling Ace that they weren't going to see each other quite as often. Esme espied the whole scene, her lady bits clearly aquiver, so who knows — maybe we'll soon find out that she's changed her mind and the roommate situation from hell is destined to continue. But man, for the moment? That was some really rough stuff. If I were Chavez, I'd take a running jump out the studio doors when my contract expired and I'd never look back.
Gossett, meanwhile, has long been asked to play Marshall as a wisdom-dispensing gumball machine, but he was done extra dirty last week, when, worn out from sounding like Louis Armstrong reading "The Night Before Christmas," he tottered out to the Ashford patio and was surprised by a visit from Curtis' Ghost Mammy Irene, who soothed him from beyond the grave as he sobbed about all the years he missed while he was busy pretending he was dead. If you're currently skipping the show, you can absolutely miss most of last week without paying much of a penalty going forward, but if you decide to tune in for just one scene, make it the one that found Marshall crying out "I never had schizophrenia." It was certainly not supposed to be funny, but dear reader, I laughed out loud.
To reiterate: Both of these actors are clearly committed. They're working hard. Their efforts are not being rewarded.
The Case of the Dead Doctor That No One Liked
And on goes the investigation into the murder of the late, lamented Austin Gatlin-Holt. As tedious as I find the idea, it's clear that all signs point to Ava as Suspect Number One in the killing — something Cyrus pointed out with thinly veiled glee when she stopped by the PC Grill to, uh, grill him about his involvement in the killing.
Jeff Kober and Maura West are tremendously talented, so this scene was a pleasure to watch even as I felt it shoving me in a direction I do not wish to go. Looking up as Ava walked in, Cyrus told her that the Grill was closed, which meant the bar was closed too; she responded by point blank accusing him of being the murderer. Of course, Cyrus is making an honest living now, and it just so happens he was working the night Austin was killed, which means he has an alibi. Seemingly aware of the fact that Ava has fallen victim to the hoary old "busted security camera" device, he smugly arched an eyebrow and asked her if she had an alibi, which sent her scurrying out of the restaurant.
Not long after Ava went out, Laura came in, intending to offer her brother an apology for being so rude and insensitive in the wake of his stint in prison and reign of terror over the citizens of Port Charles. Cyrus, for once, wasn't in the mood to hear it — instead, he laid into Laura, basically telling her to stuff her apology and get the hell out. The temperature cooled after she told him he was right, and they ended their conversation with Cyrus telling Laura that he'd be out of town visiting his mother for the next week or so. I'm guessing some bad shit will go down while he's away and therefore protected by his alibi.
Laura was nowhere near as forgiving when she called Dante into her office to express her disappointment with his lack of progress on the Austin case — a case that, for the record, is all of three days old and being investigated by an entirely separate police department. Nevertheless, Dante found himself called on the carpet by Laura and Jordan, and subsequently found himself compelled to point out that the mayor's brother looks like a definite person of interest.
Although he was unable to share the fact that he got this information from Sonny — he just referred to his source as a confidential informant — Dante told Laura and Jordan that he has every reason to believe that Mason and Austin were working for Cyrus, and that it looks like Pentonville falsified Cyrus' visitor records in order to cover up Austin's visits. Dante then told them about Austin's offer to flip on his boss in exchange for immunity, at which point Laura vowed that if Cyrus is guilty, she'll make sure he never sees the light of day again.
The World Security Pikeman Bureau Group
With Chase spending half the week down on one knee, it fell to Dante to handle all the police work in town — and when he wasn't answering questions about Austin's murder, he was busy puzzling together the connections between Forsythe's death, Anna's house burning down, and the current state of the WSB. Fortunately, this is a case that's so obvious, even Lucky "Bumbles" Spencer could have solved it.
Although he still hasn't gotten around to using the key found in Forsythe's shoe — as he told Sam, he's concerned that whoever killed Forsythe is probably having that locker at the train station watched — Dante did get the final arson report from the fire at Anna's home, and as it turns out, the perp helpfully lost some scraps of fabric in a hedge on the property, including some DNA that pointed right at Forsythe. Unfortunately, Forsythe is gone — and not just dead, but gone gone, as in his body was confiscated by the WSB. The Bureau also classified the arson report implicating Forsythe, which is laughably unsubtle for any competent intelligence agency, but whatever.
Anna, ever noble, used these developments as the excuse for her umpteenth attempt to shake Dante off the case; being a smart guy, he let her say what she needed to say, then took that locker key out after she left the morgue, making it clear for the folks at home that he has no intention of letting Anna handle this on her own.
Valentin, on the other hand, has no choice but to butt out — as Anna made clear in a conversation between the two that had to have been all kinds of painful for the Vanna shippers in the audience. She went to his house to let him know that Charlotte wasn't responsible for burning her house down, but when he asked her who was, she refused to tell him — and made it crystal clear that he wasn't entitled to that information because she flat out doesn't trust him anymore. Following that gut punch, they argued over Valentin's course of action where Charlotte's concerned, with Anna pointing out that "my dead grandfather made me do it" isn't any kind of legal defense, and even though Victor unquestionably manipulated Charlotte, he didn't tell her to pull off a couple of B&Es or commit acts of vandalism. Reiterating that his daughter needs to take responsibility for her actions and undergo counseling, Anna left, with the shattered couple exchanging tearful apologies as they parted.
While all this was going on, our new arrival Mr. Brennan was busy puttering around Port Charles — primarily between Kelly's, where he flirted like hell with Carly, and the Metro Court, where Hume did his civic duty by serving as the audience's proxy and getting Brennan to share all kinds of information. To wit: Brennan, surprising no one, is the new director of the WSB, in town to put some extra weight behind Pikeman's efforts to secure Sonny's help in another shipment. Following the logic laid out by previous knowledge dumps that made it clear there's a strong connection between Pikeman and the WSB, it turns out Pikeman is moving product for the Bureau, and they just can't take no for an answer from Sonny.
That being said, as Pikeman told Hume, the Bureau has little interest in actually eliminating Sonny, because it'd create the dreaded power vacuum that everyone always wrings their hands about any time they're confronted with the idea of Corinthos Coffee closing for good. Instead, Brennan is focused on applying a "different kind of leverage," which is absolutely why he's become a sudden repeat customer at Kelly's. The old Carly would have been more than messy enough to accept the flowers and dinner invitation Brennan offered, but the current Carly quickly declined, even with Drew off doing business in Australia.
As for Anna? She's in Brennan's crosshairs because of the Forsythe report, which makes not a single goddamn lick of sense. Okay, so Brennan used the fallout from the Greenland incident to force Frisco into retirement — if he's this interested in destroying the evidence of this busted op now, wouldn't he have started hunting it down years ago? What in the hell could possibly be in that report that matters in 2023 but didn't much matter during the multiple decades previous? It's very true that espionage stories on GH have always involved a lot of "because spies" hand-waving, and this is far from the silliest they've gotten (so far). But on the other hand, anything involving the WSB immediately requires a significant amount of willful suspension of disbelief, and I wish I felt like the writers were at least trying to meet us halfway.
Well. Let us not forget that Anna Devane isn't the only person in Port Charles with ties to the WSB. Brennan certainly hasn't forgotten, as evidenced by the way he skulked down and then simply fucked off altogether when Robert walked into Kelly's with Diane; I wonder how long it'll be before DA Scorpio — or Valentin — cotton to the director's presence in town.
And a Tracy Angelica Quartermaine in a Pear Tree
Despite the fact that I've still managed to write a bunch of words about what happened last week, I hope I've managed to properly convey how a lot of it felt like table-setting for the return of the prior regime. This is nowhere near the most dissatisfied I've been with General Hospital, but I really do get the feeling that the powers that be told the fi-core crew they had a couple of things they had to prepare the viewers for, and they weren't allowed to do much else. All of which is to say that last week's big cliffhanger arrived in the form of two scenes: The first toward the top of Friday's episode, showing Tracy on a plane preparing to land in Port Charles; and the second at the very end, showing Tracy barging into the mansion and expressing her loud displeasure with the way Lois and Olivia decorated for Christmas.
This is not the stuff that Emmys are made of, obviously, but as regular readers of this space are well aware, I am always happy to see Tracy back on the canvas — and I also tend to think her latest return signals the start of some kind of story beyond her ongoing Deception shenanigans. We know she last left in order to attend to Luke's affairs in Amsterdam, and we know she and Bobbie were driving each other nuts as they tried to untangle whatever mess he left behind; we also know that at some point, GH is going to have to deal with the real-life death of Jacklyn Zeman, who passed in the middle of the writers' strike. I've been operating under the assumption that any story revolving around Bobbie's death would be held over until the union writers returned, and I'm pretty sure those scripts are just around the corner, so it wouldn't surprise me if the grief we saw Tracy suffering from on the plane was inspired by more than the loss of her most recent husband.
I have to believe that Tracy's coming back to do more than yell at Olivia and Lois about Christmas decorations, in other words… although I'd probably watch that without a single complaint. Now, on to the bullet points!
Lois became the millionth person to ask Ned if he really wants to carry on Edward's legacy of jerkdom
Bobbie told Carly she's "drowning in red tape" and will need to stay in Amsterdam for a while
Drew jetted off to Australia
Felicia and Anna had a chat
Curtis started his investigation into the Metro Court shooting in earnest
Maxie gave us a whole load of crap about Sasha and Cody's "special chemistry"
Adam lied to his father about his reasons for taking a makeup exam, blaming Joss in the process — which led to Joss rightly shaming him for being a garbage friend
Jake hates guns
Alexis and Martin prepped Finn for his deposition
There was lots of anvil talk about Alexis missing being an attorney
Scott and Lucy had lunch at Cafe Cherie, and Lucy fled in a flustered huff after Scott started making passes at her
Lois told Olivia about Quartermaine Christmases past, including a Reginald mention
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