Welcome back to Critical Diagnosis, fellow General Hospital viewers! I don't know if Van Etten and O'Connor were really raring to go after the strike, if the network brass have told Frank Valentini that the show's on thin ice, or maybe some combination of the two — but whatever was happening behind the scenes when the last couple weeks' worth of episodes were filmed, it led to a serious increase in narrative MPH. Not only that, but instead of the typical withholding and secret-keeping that soap fans everywhere have come to know and tolerate, the residents of Port Charles have suddenly started tossing everyone's dirty laundry out in the street. This can't possibly last, but for the moment, this is largely pretty fun to watch. Let's break it down.
Ma, What Did You Do?
Welp, that's that. After what felt like decades of buildup, Nina's secret is out, and everyone's hearing about it — starting with Sonny, who found out in the absurdly deserted Savoy just a few ticks after midnight. For the most part, this went down basically the way you'd expect: Michael, Ned, and Olivia returned to the club while Lois was in the middle of trying to get Sonny to accept that Ned wasn't the one who tipped off the SEC. Unable to make much headway, Lois told Sonny to ask his son if she was telling the truth — and Michael quickly copped to it, sparking a very soapy confrontation between these two that was a long time coming and yet still didn't go anywhere near far enough.
Perhaps another day, Sonny will find out that Michael burrowed Dex into his dad's organization in a nearly successful attempt to send the old man to jail. For now, clumsy quisling Michael only admitted that he'd known for months who really called the SEC, but he'd kept quiet because he knew the truth would hurt more than the lie. Little by little, Sonny started piecing together clues, finally realizing that Michael was trying to protect the identity of the "rat" because of the impact it'd have on people Michael cares about, specifically Sonny and Willow. From there, it wasn't much of a stretch for Nina's name to finally be mentioned… just as Nina and Willow were arriving at the Savoy, all aglow from the bonding session they had at Nina's office while Nina gave Willow a new Crimson-approved outfit to replace the one she'd torn on her way out of work.
Like Michael, Nina immediately admitted it was true, which of course infuriated Sonny — not to mention Willow, who found herself blindsided by the news that not only had Nina sicced the government on Carly and Drew, but that Michael knew about it and didn't tell her. She stormed out and Michael scurried after her, leaving Nina and Sonny to have it out — as much as anyone can really have it out with Sonny when he's in belligerent mode, anyway. The upshot was basically that Sonny insisted Nina confess to Carly right away, a move Nina interpreted as his tacit admission that he couldn't bring himself to tear into her the way he knew Carly would. Taking this as proof he still loves her, Nina left, but vowed that she wouldn't let this be the end of them.
Meanwhile, on the docks, Willow let Michael have it for holding out on her — and he reminded her that not so long ago, she'd kept the rather large secret of her own cancer from him. After first arguing that it was a false equivalency, Willow eventually questioned what kind of marriage they even had if neither of them could be honest with each other when it counted — and she also put two and two together and realized that Michael's blackmail was the reason Nina hadn't spent much time with them since their reconciliation. When Michael got a call from Drew, she told him to take it, because there was nothing left to say. She'd be heading back to the gatehouse, and he'd need to find someplace else to spend the night.
ALSO meanwhile, back at the Quartermaine mansion, Ned and Olivia and Lois got back to find a slightly tipsy Brook Lynn, who polished off the champagne after Chase had to rush out on a work call. While Ned gave his daughter the scoop about his reasons for taking the fall for the SEC business even after he regained his memory, Olivia and Lois had it out — Olivia was naturally pissed that Lois opened her fat mouth even after she'd pleaded with her not to, while Lois adamantly defended her decision, even going so far as to say that of all people, Olivia should know how badly things can turn out when a person keeps secrets from Sonny.
Confronted with the near-fatal fallout from her decades of neglecting to tell Sonny that Dante is his son, Olivia blew a gasket and their argument spilled out into the foyer, where Brook Lynn and Ned watched aghast as Olivia ended the New Year by storming out. "Ma," Brook Lynn demanded, "What did you do?"
I'm Not a Choirboy, Carly
After having sex most foul while the NYE fireworks were going off, Carly and Drew talked about how he ended up back in Port Charles early, which he basically attributed to various board members pissing him off so bad that he decided he needed to leave before he ruined the deal. This prompted some concerned probing from Carly, who pointed out that an inability to manage his anger had never really been one of his character flaws; in response, the writers saddled Cameron Mathison with the unintentionally hilarious line "I'm not a choirboy, Carly." Undeterred, Carly insisted that she's noticed a change in Drew since his return from Pentonville, and promised that whatever he's going through, he doesn't have to do it alone. Still not ready to unburden himself, Drew told her that while he hears and appreciates her, knowing she loves him is all he needs.
From there, the two headed for the kitchen to indulge in some post-coitus caloric intake, where Carly received a call from an unlisted number. "That was the embassy in Amsterdam," she told Drew when he noticed the stricken look on her face. "My mom's dead." (These were the last words spoken during Tuesday's show, and they were followed by jaunty holiday music over the closing credits. Yikes.)
Drew quickly set about calling folks (including Lucas!) and making preparations for Bobbie's body while Carly sat with her grief. They were interrupted by a knock at the door courtesy of Nina, who did what Nina does best and blundered in blissfully unaware of the extremely fraught situation she was entering.
Nina led off with an apology, which led Carly to assume she was there about Bobbie — but when Nina started in with her thousandth rehash of the bad blood between them, Carly cut her off, at which point Nina abruptly blurted out that she's the one who called the SEC. Quickly deducing that something must have prompted Nina's confession, Carly demanded to know how she'd been "busted," at which point Nina admitted that Sonny knew the truth. From here, things followed the expected path — cue a screaming Carly tirade — and also detoured into Bizarreville when Drew joined the conversation to lament that because Nina isn't a man, he was prevented from physically assaulting her. All you really need to know is that neither Drew nor Carly came anywhere close to forgiving Nina for her role in their punishment for committing an actual crime — which is eminently forgivable if you're thinking about human nature and stuff, but far less enjoyable to watch when two of the three characters involved are gratingly sanctimonious at best. On the list of all the characters on the canvas who strenuously do not need a reason to feel like victims, Carly and Drew are forever at or near the top, even if they have been done wrong. For the show to slap this on top of Carly losing her mom is so goddamn… ugh, I wish I could file a class-action lawsuit. I generally tend to watch GH while I work out, but I'm going to have to start drinking as I do it anyway.
The Truth Will Set You Free
As so often happens on GH, the traumatic events of the evening sent Sonny slouching off to church, where he was all set to light a candle and bargain with the Almighty in peace before Cyrus had the audacity to walk in and subtly goad him about being there because Nina had been keeping the truth from him for months. Sonny, looking for a fight, tried starting one with Cyrus — and then when Cyrus refused to fight back, he went ahead and beat him anyway, pounding him to a bloody pulp in the pews of the church before going home to sit in the dark and drink.
Now, obviously Cyrus isn't a good guy. Whether or not his current spiritual guise is genuine, he's responsible for a long list of horrible things, and I'm not sure anyone needs to feel all that bad for him. On the other hand, Cyrus is not now and has never been positioned as any kind of protagonist on the show. His assailant, on the other hand? That motherfucker is the "lead" of the show, and as I've whined repeatedly in this space, I cannot fathom the tortured thought process that leads a person to believe it's in any way acceptable for a lead character to behave in this way without being summarily rejected by every other person on the canvas. Remember how long Tony Jones had to linger, fartlike, as the town pariah after shaving his head, kidnapping Robin, and being shot in open court? That was an honorable man driven to tragic extremes. Sonny Corinthos is just the living embodiment of a show that wants to have its dark 'n' edgy cake and eat it too, and while it's always off-putting in at least a low-level way, it's truly revolting in moments like this. As the mighty Wubs put it, it's a statement on his character as a man. He isn't an antihero, he isn't a flawed character, he's a plot-driven shell who wouldn't exist if certain people hadn't spent too much time watching the Godfather movies. (Latest reminder: the way Sonny closed the door on Nina's face when she showed up at the penthouse to beg forgiveness.)
Can we all agree that if you physically assault someone who refuses to fight back, and you put them in the hospital, you deserve police scrutiny? That you should probably expect to be arrested? That you basically have no right to stand there looking confused while Lois Cerullo berates the arresting officer, who also happens to be your son? That irrespective of anything else that happens to be going on, you've utterly forfeited the ability to be considered the hero? Ha ha ha, no, just kidding, I know we can't all agree on this — I'm specifically certain that the writers disagree, and we're all going to be subjected to a litany of Sonny-propping BS during the days to come.
My one genuine question is where Laura will fall in all this. After getting a call from Curtis telling her she needed to come to GH because something had happened to her brother, she ended up in Cyrus' room with Dante, who came up empty after interrogating the patient but suggested that Laura might be able to get more information. She did just that after Dante left — Cyrus put up a little bit of a fight for a few moments, warning her that she might not like the answer if she kept asking who was responsible for his beating, but he ultimately pointed the finger at Sonny, and insisted that he hadn't provoked the assault, but was instead merely in the wrong place at the wrong time, and therefore the target for Sonny's frustrations regarding Nina's dishonesty.
Laura, as she so often is, was visibly shocked and appalled by all this. She continued trying to get Cyrus to tell her the whole truth, at one point gently threatening his fragile place in her life if he didn't give her more information about what exactly led up to the beating, but he held firm. As Laura told Cyrus, she's known Sonny for decades; if we've seen anything from her in recent months, it's a stubborn insistence on believing in the best where her friends and family are concerned, despite all evidence to the contrary. I can absolutely see her standing by her old mobster pal in all this… but I can also see her telling Robert to throw the book at Sonny (and we know Robert would happily oblige). Either way, I think it's safe to assume that anyone who takes a stand against Corinthos will be made to apologize at some point. It's just how things go in Port Charles.
Before I stomp off to the next storyline, I should at least acknowledge that I'm happy to see the writers continuing to paint in fundamental shades of gray as far as the way Sonny sees Nina. When Lois came by to badger him further the morning after, she pointed out he was still wearing his wedding ring and he hadn't destroyed the penthouse furniture, to which he could basically only respond that he went through a lot to be with Nina. There's a part of me that's holding out hope for a relatively speedy reconciliation between Sonny and Nina, if only because I think he's a marginally more tolerable character with her; I kinda don't think we're going to get it, but I'm willing to acknowledge the (cough) increased maturity we're seeing from a character who, in years past, would have responded to a situation like this by shattering barware and using words like "bitch" and "dead to me."
It Was a Sick and Toxic Love
Given all of the above paragraphs, it's probably already clear to you that a whole bunch of stuff happened on the show last week. Still, I think it's saying a lot that Nikolas made a highly dramatic return in the midst of all this, and it ended up being basically a footnote.
I intimated a few weeks ago that I'm deeply uncertain as to whether the show knows what the hell it wants to do with Nikolas anymore, and after watching his reunion with Ava, I'm even more convinced that the writers have no idea. He remains useful as a blunt object who can punt certain story elements from A to B, but they keep writing him into corner after corner, and what he wants seems to shift with the breeze. Case in point: After he worked his way with hilarious ease past the bodyguard Sonny assigned to Ava at the gallery, he revealed himself to her and insisted he had nothing to do with the notes, photos, and gun that had been left at Wyndemere and Ava's apartment. Ava immediately believed him, which quickly turned the conversation to the two of them teaming up against Esme — AND to Nikolas flirting like crazy with her, saying it's hard for him to concentrate when she's around.
The last time these two had a conversation, he threatened to steal Ava's daughter and she clobbered him over the head, apparently killing him. Even if Adam Huss and Maura West had the most sizzling chemistry in television history, which they do not, this would be ridiculous. But fine. Fine! Nikolas wants to get revenge against Esme, and in order to further this goal, he wants Ava to throw a party and invite her. His revenge, he insists, will not include Esme actually being harmed in any way — and for assurance, he asked Ava, "If you can't take me at my word, who can you trust?"
Again: The last time they talked, he threatened her and she thought she killed him. Trust is not in abundance.
Neither Nikolas nor Ava know Esme has regained her memories, which I'm guessing will turn out to be the gaping hole in their plan whenever this party ends up happening. And Esme, for her part, seems wholly dedicated to fooling everyone where her amnesia's concerned. She showed up at the PC Grill last week, muttering about needing a drink, moments after Laura had gotten a concerned call from Ace's babysitter about Esme being an hour late for pickup. Laura, naturally, questioned Esme about her whereabouts, but Esme played it off quickly and easily — and then when Kevin handed her a glove she'd dropped and Laura recognized it as the mate for the one Dante found after the break-in at Wyndemere, she confronted Esme about it.
Esme, no dummy, admitted it was her glove and admitted she'd broken into Wyndemere; she even went so far as to admit she'd gone there in an attempt to regain some or all of her memories. She broke off with the truth there, however, claiming her trip had been unsuccessful. In response, Laura said she understood, but insisted that Esme would have to turn herself in to the police — a trip Laura would be willing to make with her.
We Do Not Besmirch the Memory of Dick Clark in This House
Prior to Esme's arrival, Laura and Kevin shared their table with Martin, and the three of them looked on uneasily while Scott and Lucy had their heads together at the bar. Martin pointed out that Lucy was willing to look the other way where his relationship with Blair is concerned, so he wasn't going to micro-manage Lucy's relationships with any of her exes — which is fortunate for Lucy, because she was at the bar to strategize regarding her harebrained scheme to trick Tracy into marrying Scott so he could take all of her assets.
Martin quickly skedaddled, but before he left, he posed for a selfie with Laura and Kevin, none of them giving much thought to the fact that Lucy and Scott were visible in the background. After he left, Laura got a call from Lucas letting her know about Bobbie's death, which led to Laura telling Scott and Lucy, which prompted a sweet series of flashbacks and reminiscing at the table. For anyone who's been watching GH for any significant length of time, these are the scenes to catch from last week; if you don't care about anything else happening on the show right now, you can skip from there to Friday, when Anna and Felicia met at GH to box up Bobbie's office and had a lovely, tearful, genuine, and seemingly mostly ad-libbed conversation about their friend.
But I digress, because while Bobbie's friends were sharing their grief at the Grill, Tracy was getting some grief of her own from Brook Lynn and Chase at the Quartermaine mansion. Turns out Scott's method of trying to get closer to Tracy involved a barrage of texts, some of which took the form of quite clumsy flirting (as he told Lucy after she criticized one of his messages, "I thought it was just a colorful emoji"). After Chase agreed that Scott was definitely flirting with Tracy, Brook Lynn took the liberty of installing Instagram on Tracy's phone and following several people she knows — including Laura, whose account Tracy started browsing after Brook Lynn and Chase left.
Tracy, of course, quickly spotted Scott and Lucy in the background of Laura's latest post, and flashed a Grinch-style grin as she immediately figured out what had been going on. "Gotcha," she murmured to herself.
As always, I don't know what the writers are up to here. I hope this sudden development doesn't mean the Scott 'n' Tracy story is ending as quickly as it started — I would much rather see Lucy's plan seemingly pan out, only spiral out of her control as Scott and/or Tracy actually develop real feelings. Yes, it's a shameless nod to the past, but the show clearly knows it; when Lucy told Scott she wanted him to get Tracy to Vegas and feed her enough edibles to get her to the altar, he pointed out Luke had already done the same thing, and she pointed out that Tracy makes the same mistakes all the time, to which Scott grumbled, "I guess we have that in common." Echoes like this are unavoidable on a show of GH's vintage. I only ask that the right characters are involved and the writing is there to support them.
Also, I just want to point out that Jane Elliot is 76 years old as of this writing, and I'm pretty sure Anna Lee was 72 in 1985. The show never would have written any kind of love story or caper for her at that point. This says some things about the way things have changed regarding what constitutes a leading character on the show, and how the legacy corner of the canvas has gained currency in some respects even as viewers like me continue to grumble about certain characters being pushed to the side. Mostly, though, I think it reinforces that Jane Elliot is terrific and we're lucky to have her around on GH in 2024.
That's about it, except for the bullet points that we run over the closing credits of every column. I'll see you next week!
Sam told Scout she didn't have to go to Westwood, and then locked horns with Drew after he found out; ultimately, he apologized for picking a fight with her
Portia and Curtis ate lemon donuts
Dex and Adam bonded a bit after he and Joss found Adam (hilariously unconvincingly) drunk outside her dorm; he put Adam to bed and assured him things would get better for him despite how bad they seem with his parents
Felicia got the results of the DNA test she ran on Cody, and went to Deception to tell him about it
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