I've said it before and I guess I'm about to say it again: Anytime General Hospital gives us a week packed with action, you can bet the following week will dawdle like crazy. True to form, after rushing through all sorts of table-setting following Jason's return to Port Charles, the show spent a lot of time showing us nothing much at all last week. Aside from a couple of plot developments that I guess we ought to consider major, I'm not even sure what I'm going to write about in this column. This could set a record for the shortest Critical Diagnosis ever!
Who Are You?
Okay, so the first thing we have to discuss is the sudden and preposterous fallout from Nina letting Joss know that she saw Dex, dressed in scrubs, slinking out of Cyrus' hospital room all those weeks ago. I could absolutely not care less about whatever happens between Joss and Dex, which is to say I was impressed and/or offended by the way the show made me invest in their breakup purely by writing it as if Joss instantly became either a different character or the absolute dumbest person on the canvas.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's how it went down: After hearing Nina's catty revelation, Joss suddenly realized that not only had Dex been working for Sonny all those months, but that he was also occasionally called upon to perform various heinous acts, up to and including committing murder. Given that this is a young woman who's essentially grown up in the mob, the very notion that Joss would be shocked or appalled by this is ludicrous. The absurd explanation, I guess, is that Cyrus was — as Joss kept putting it — a defenseless old man when Sonny ordered Dex to murder him, which is technically true and yet also not a magic eraser for the long list of horrible acts he's committed since arriving in town.
(This is not a defense of Sonny or his business. I'm just saying… if Joss was going to get bent out of shape about an almost-murder, there might have been better targets for the writers to pick.)
Dex sputtered excuses in self-defense — including, you know, the fact that Joss and her dumb family have begged, pleaded, and demanded that he work for Sonny repeatedly over the last however many months — but it was all for naught, and by the time the conversation was over, so was the hormonally driven affair between GH's favorite dumpster-diving twosome. Joss sobbed off to the gallery, where she cried on Trina's shoulder, once again ignoring that Trina is grieving the death of the love of her life; Dex, meanwhile, hopped on the phone and called the PCPD, setting up an appointment with Anna.
And why did Dex want to talk to Anna? Well, so he could confess to attempted murder, of course. And he didn't stop there — he spilled his guts about a whole bunch of things, including being hired by Michael to infiltrate Sonny's organization and ultimately obtaining evidence that Sonny was moving illegal arms shipments. Of course, none of it meant anything; Anna thanked Dex for trying, but pointed out that without evidence, there wouldn't be many charges that they could make stick. On his way out of her office, Dex volunteered to help take Sonny down, which I suspect is our second big clue that he'll end up working for the PCPD.
If he does become a cop, it might be enough to get him back in Joss' good graces, but something tells me it'll be without any grace from Carly. After crying on Trina's shoulder, Joss went to Greystone, where she tried whining to her mom — only to be told that she needed to "get some perspective" on the situation. You guys know how much I hate it when GH makes me agree with Carly, but she was spot on here, using her decades of experience as a proud mob moll to remind Joss that of course Dex would be ordered to do terrible things while in Sonny's employ. And here's where it got even sillier, with Joss asking Carly if Jason ever murdered anyone for Sonny.
Okay, look. On one hand, I think it's smart for the new writers to find ways of creating or highlighting conflict between generations, and many of us can agree that the Corinthos clan is often at its most interesting when the kids are beefing with their parents. On the other hand? This ain't it. Joss has been marinating in mob since she was born, and writing her this way is beyond ridiculous. I'm almost reluctant to complain about this too much, because I'm really kind of excited about the growing chorus of anti-Sonny voices on the canvas right now — it feels like the new regime really wants to make a point about the way that character has been coddled for the last couple of decades, and that's a very good thing. That being said, there's absolutely no way Joss would be this naïve about organized crime. It would have been possible to give her the same great moral awakening without making it seem like she's legitimately too stupid to breathe.
Anyway, after finishing with Dex, Anna grabbed a bottle of whiskey and headed over to the Metro Court — where the FBI would absolutely not be paying for an agent's room — knocked on Jagger's door, and said "I owe you a drink." Turns out that drink was owed because Jagger was right when he accused her of giving Sonny a pass for being there to support Robin when Stone was dying — a comment we could tell stung in the moment, because Finola Hughes is just that good, but one that here led to a very nice, honest, real-feeling conversation between characters who've both done things they regret. I didn't love all of it — they had Anna say some stuff about finally seeing Sonny for who he is that, if I really think about it, might be even more offensive than Joss' sudden awakening — but these two actors are great together, and that counts for a lot.
Once again, Jagger lamented being morally and professionally obligated to protect Sonny's life; once again, they felt like honest words from an honest man. Last week gave us no further follow-up on Jason's flashback to his meeting with Jagger at Quantico, so I continue to hold out hope that the writers are messing with us by suggesting Jagger's the secret bad guy in all this. If it really does turn out to be the case, brace yourselves for thousands of words of bitching.
Meet the Parents
Of course, if the show gives us scenes in which characters are dumping on Sonny, you know they're going to simultaneously serve up others that are clearly designed to show the coffee don in the best possible light. This time around, those came courtesy of Kristina, who met up with him at Charlie's and spent an inordinate amount of time telling him how supported he's always made her feel. The lovefest continued after Natalia arrived on a mission to apologize to Kristina for the way she behaved when she caught her in Blaze's bed, which led to a long conversation about how amazingly evolved Sonny is for accepting Kristina's orientation instead of disowning her when she came out.
These scenes weren't poorly written, and it was nice seeing Natalia portrayed as something other than the cartoon villain/insensitive ignoramus she came across as during her earlier appearances. If these were also meant as a chem test between Sonny and Natalia, I don't mind that either. My only objection, and it's a relatively minor one, is that it was thuddingly obvious that the show was trying very hard to balance the cries of "Sonny's a murderous thug" with reminders that he isn't all bad all the time. I know it's a mistake to expect subtlety from your favorite daytime drama, but still — one of the great things about these shows is that the audience spends so much time with the characters, and develops an intimate understanding of who they are along the way. It really isn't necessary to beat the viewers over the head at moments like these; they can really be trusted to remember Sonny's altruistic side and his ability to show kindness. There's so much history here, and I wish the writers would let it do more of the work more of the time.
Anyway, while Natalia was busy being impressed by Sonny, Nina was across town, getting a pep talk/lecture from Valentin about how Sonny is a judgmental hypocrite who doesn't deserve her. I think I'd still rather see Nina and Sonny work their way back together, but they've hardly even shared any scenes since the start of the year; at this point, it feels like the show has moved on. And given that Ava started the week by making her way to Dante's hospital room and silently putting a hand on Sonny's shoulder while he sat at his son's bedside, it also feels like those two will have another roll in the hay before the dust settles.
Do You Miss Crimson?
Whatever happens with Nina's love life, her career is busier than ever. As of last week, she'd been on the job as publisher of the Invader for all of maybe a dozen issues — no time at all, yet still plenty of time to develop an openly antagonistic relationship with her editor-in-chief. It's a stressful situation; fortunately, Nina was presented with another option when Stubbly Drew showed up at the Invader offices to try and woo her back to Crimson.
Yes, you read that right: After firing Nina for reporting him to the SEC, installing Carly in her place, and then firing Carly following their breakup, Drew has decided that his best option is to go back to the beginning and rehire Nina. This is probably the most comically transparent tug-of-war between writing regimes that I can remember seeing, but I'm not really complaining; Nina has plenty of utility as a character whether she's running the paper or the magazine, and anything that makes Drew look like even more of an incompetent buffoon is all right by me.
What's really funny about the situation is that while Nina was sitting in Alexis' office complaining about her, Alexis was busy plotting her own exit from the Invader. Cockamamie as it might seem, Diane is convinced there's a way to appeal Alexis' disbarment, and Alexis is eager to find out whether she's right — despite Molly's tearful admissions that she fears Alexis might relapse if it doesn't work out. So… are we going to see Nina leave the Invader to go back to Crimson, and then see Alexis leave the Invader so she can go back to practicing law? There don't seem to be any obvious options for a new EIC at the paper, so if that happens, I suppose it'd just fade into the background again.
It'll be comical to see two people quit their jobs simultaneously because they hate each other, but the Invader has never been good for much besides facilitating short-term stories anyway, and we all know Alexis should be a lawyer, and Drew has twice as much chemistry with Nina than he ever did with Carly, so I'm fine with seeing how this plays out.
Faceless Deception
Nina and Alexis weren't the only ones contemplating a career change last week. Over at Deception, a photoshoot gone wrong led to Lucy freaking out and suggesting — in front of Sasha — that the company might need another spokesmodel who's less "wholesome." This was less than warmly received by Maxie and Brook Lynn — not to mention Cody, who voiced his objections, was insulted by Lucy, and quit on the spot.
Cody's big walkout triggered an epiphany in Sasha, who — although she insisted she wasn't upset with anybody, least of all Lucy — said he'd made her realize that she'd done enough modeling and was ready to move on. After Maxie pleaded with Sasha to give it some thought and pick up the conversation later, Sasha agreed — only to be overruled by Lucy, who insisted that they hash everything out right then and there. Sasha obliged, reiterating that she was finished as the face of Deception, even if it meant giving up her leadership role at the company and selling back all of her stock at bargain prices.
Maxie, livid with Lucy for triggering this double exodus, tossed her out of her office; meanwhile, Sasha made her way across town and found Cody in the Quartermaine stables, where they had a conversation about how a person figures out what they want to do with their life. Despite being in a precarious financial situation after Gladys ransacked her accounts, Sasha remained unbothered, telling Cody she knows there's a more fulfilling career waiting for her and she's determined to find it.
Two plus two equals four, and the obvious implication behind Sasha quitting Deception and Nina leaving the Invader equals the two of them ending up at Crimson together — which feels like a pretty good call, honestly. GH has never given us a Deception photoshoot that wasn't embarrassingly lame, so I absolutely will not miss her modeling career, and the idea that a mook like Cody could just bumble in off the street and become a successful male model is offensive to anybody who's ever had their picture taken. If Sasha jumps from one lifestyle brand to another and Cody ends up talking to horses until Mac comes back to pick up their paternity storyline where it left off, I can't imagine too many people complaining.
I Won't Be in Here for Long
Those of you who started tuning in again when Jason returned were probably at least a little frustrated last week. After making an immediate splash (literally and figuratively), Mr. Morgan spent most of last week hiding out in the Quartermaine boathouse, which still hasn't been searched by the PCPD.
We didn't see much of him, honestly. Early in the week, he was lucky to have Danny walk in just as he was struggling to stand; after Danny steadied him, they shared some father-son time that was equal parts sweet and ridiculous. Sweet because it's always a refreshing change of pace to see Jason spend time with his children, but ridiculous because despite only being gone for a couple of years, Jason clearly has no idea what kind of kid Danny is or what his interests might be. I'm really pretty conflicted about the way GH has involved the younger set in Jason's return — although I think it makes sense, and is a good way to fill out the personalities of the teenage characters, it also doesn't feel truly earned. Danny's recent drift toward mild juvenile delinquency is utterly abrupt, Jake has been whoever the storyline needs him to be for years, Aiden barely exists, and Rocco makes Aiden look like a front-burner character, so their assorted responses to Jason's arrival and Dante's shooting don't add as much to the story as they should.
Anyway, Willow showed up shortly after Danny, and warned him that he needed to get back to the mansion before anyone else noticed he was missing; after Danny left, Willow gave Jason some pilfered meds and a little lecture about involving his son in whatever he was going through. Jason, perennial dad of the year, deflected by saying Danny found him instead of the other way around, but he also insisted he'd fix everything by making "all of it like it never happened."
While all that was happening, Aiden showed up at GH, telling Elizabeth that Jake is convinced Jason shot Dante and is acting out because of it. Aiden even went so far as to ask Chase whether he thought Jason was guilty; ever the diplomat, Chase responded that although the evidence points to Jason, the evidence also includes his 911 call. Meanwhile, Jagger was busy — after asking Elizabeth some questions about her relationship with Jason, he scooted over to the Quartermaine mansion, where instead of searching the boathouse, he ambushed Danny in the kitchen area and started asking him questions about his father. Danny was unfazed, telling Jagger that whatever Jason might be back for, it isn't him — but that was the end of the interrogation, because Brook Lynn swooped in to give Jagger an earful for questioning Danny without an attorney present. Doing her best Tracy impression, she threatened to sue the badge off Jagger, at which point he apologized and scurried off.
Those meds Willow gave Jason became a story point later in the week, when Elizabeth and Deanna were seen talking about a discrepancy in the inventory. Although Elizabeth was confident an investigation would prove nothing was actually wrong, she also admitted that if the pills were really missing, there'd be repercussions — specifically for her, since she's the head nurse. This represents a change in policy for GH, given that no one was threatening Jessie Brewer's job when Sean Donely stole pills from the hospital floor in order to fake a heart condition in 1985, but whatever; once Willow found out what was going on, she told Michael, who in turn called Spinelli, who magically hacked into the hospital and falsified the inventory. Crisis averted.
Michael remained freaked out, however, and went to Jason to tell him that as thrilled as he is to have him back, his presence is causing problems for Willow and other assorted friends and family. Jason agreed that he needed to fix the situation, which he said he'd handle by doing the only thing he could — which turned out to be calling Diane and arranging to turn himself in at the PCPD.
Jason arrived at the station moments after Chase finished giving Donna's class a tour of the building, and also shortly after Brook Lynn arrived just in time to ovulate upon seeing her fiancé giving a group of kids honorary badges. Things went from adorable to fraught in an instant; Chase cuffed Jason while they glared at each other, and Chase briefly denied Diane's request to talk privately with her client before he was booked. After she threatened him, he agreed to let them have the interrogation room, where Jason promised her he wouldn't be in lockup for long.
Where they're going with this is anyone's guess, but it seems likely to me that Jason set up his own arrest in order to force his handlers to arrange for his release. I have no idea why he'd go to all that trouble when he could have avoided the entire problem by allowing Jagger and Anna to take him into custody on the bridge, but I guess St. Jaysus works in mysterious ways.
And with that, I've gone on long enough — I'll meet you back here next week for another round of Critical Diagnosis. In the meantime, here's your traditional smattering of bullet points:
Kevin walked the Ashfords through the history of the medical establishment's poor treatment of any patients deemed "other," in a series of scenes featuring some nice, subtle work from Robert Gossett and also the reliably great Vernee Watson
Tracy continued her 2024 charm offensive by bonding with Stella and Cody
Brook Lynn cured Chase's brief crisis of career confidence by suggesting that he get back to singing
Heather went in for surgery, and Kevin cautioned Laura that she might not be a different person even after having her hip replacement replaced
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