Critical Diagnosis: Week of May 6, 2024 - May 10, 2024 by Jeff Giles

I think we are officially in an abusive relationship with the current version of this show.

The saddest thing about this, in my opinion, is that the General Hospital of 2024 also seems to be in an abusive relationship with itself — this is a show that flutters with the wind from episode to episode, full of plot developments that go nowhere or are quickly undone. Watching it is like watching Steve Martin fight the ghost of Lily Tomlin for control of his body in All of Me, except it isn't even sporadically funny for the right reasons. After watching GH off and on for 40 years, give or take, I've definitely suffered through some periods that felt like deep creative lulls, but even those tended to feel like someone somewhere had a plan; it just wasn't one I found entertaining. This, though? This is something else, folks. And it's bad.

As I've said here in the past, I try to keep my focus on what's onscreen, because I'm not as wired into behind-the-scenes drama as many of you, and it also makes writing this column easier. I have one source at the show, and I really try to avoid asking them questions about what's happening, because I don't want them to feel like our friendship is transactional and I definitely don't want to get anyone in trouble with a leak. That said, I have of course seen the dismal ratings, and I've also seen the gossip about the alleged tug-of-war that's apparently happening over GH's creative direction. I don't know if those rumors are true, but it sure as hell seems like they could be — if what we're seeing is actually the product of a united creative front, then some people need to lose their jobs before this show gets canceled.

I don't say that lightly. I really don't like advocating for the loss of anyone's livelihood, especially in a professional field as unstable as this one. But the margin for error is pretty slim for daytime series now, and ABC doesn't need any additional excuses to bail on GH. It also really shouldn't be this bad — with 60-plus years of history and a brilliant cast, the powers that be have all the tools they need to deliver a consistently great show. I don't know why that isn't happening, but there's really no excuse.

Well, let's take a look at what happened last week — or as much of it as I can muster the energy to discuss, anyway.

The Sonny Show

I think you all know by now that Sonny Corinthos could fall into a vat of coffee beans and die on tomorrow's episode and it wouldn't bother me one bit, which is one reason it pains me to say that the only interesting developments on GH right now are happening in and around the absolutely interminable and terminally confused Pikeman story. Whether he was bonding with Natalia while turning Ava into a jealous mess, inadvertently causing Dante to (momentarily) resign from the PCPD, wheedling his way into Jordan's good graces, or glowering at Dex jogging in the park, he was the rickety old lawnmower engine powering the show last week.

That engine didn't really take us anywhere new, either. Sonny is still at odds with a growing roster of Port Charles residents, Jason and Dex are still dead to him, and certain friends and family members are still Very Concerned about recent changes in his behavior. What does all this currently amount to? Not a lot. For a minute, it looked like Dante was so concerned about his connection to Sonny that he was going to resign from the PCPD, but Anna talked him out of it — much to Sam's chagrin. Of course, after convincing Dante that his badge was the only thing really keeping him from being fully pulled into Sonny's world, Anna then went to Dex — Dex! — to ask him whether he thought Dante had been compromised by Sonny in any way. She justified it by pointing out that Dex had seen Sonny and Dante together while he was working for Sonny, but still — this is like asking a cocker spaniel for a weather forecast. (Short answer to Anna's question: Dex wants to be Dante when he grows up, but Dante might see what he wants to see when he looks at Sonny… which is basically what Anna and Laura have copped to doing lately, so no big deal, I guess.)

As we went over in the previous column, Ava's motivation for sneaking around and deciding not to tell Sonny that his meds have been diluted essentially boils down to jealousy, and that jealousy was on full display last week after he started peacocking around Natalia. First, he brought her back to the penthouse and asked Ava to leave the room so he could woo in private — and of course she remained lurking in the shadows long enough to hear him tell Natalia that there's nothing romantic going on between him and Ava. Then, after Ava none-too-subtly tried to get herself invited as his plus one to Brook Lynn and Chase's wedding, he let her know she couldn't come on account of how she murdered Connie a decade ago; as he put it, the Cerullos and the Falconeris have long memories, and it would be disrespectful for her to attend. (Never mind all the shit Sonny has done and why he should never be allowed to attend a Quartermaine event, but whatever.)

After briefly threatening to move out of the penthouse, Ava tried to smooth things over with Sonny. When he told her he was taking Natalia to the wedding, she even went so far as to offer to drive him to there and pick him up — which is, if you ask me, a "creative decision" even more degrading than making Nina have sex with Drew — but he told her he could drive himself. How did Ava respond to this? Well, she went to see a pharmacist at GH, pretending to be Sonny's wife and asking about his new medication under the guise of making sure everything would be copacetic during their upcoming vacation. I can't really tell you more than this, because I don't think I understand the purpose of this scene; Ava asked the pharmacist what would happen if Sonny didn't take his meds at the prescribed dosage, but she already knows how it's impacting his behavior. She acted like she was low-key accusing him of being the one who tampered with the dosage, but she never came out and said anything, and she isn't talking to anybody else about whatever she's doing, so the whole thing, for now, is just a big dumb puzzle.

What isn't a puzzle is the fact that this entire leg of the storyline is a grievous insult to the talents of Maura West. Ava's been written in a lot of different ways during her time on GH, and the show has had her do a bunch of wild stuff; without fail, West has sold the shit out of it. She's continuing to do so now, but the net effect is just as offensive as it would have been if Michalangelo had been hired to draw Garfield cartoons — it's just a ludicrously massive waste of talent. I absolutely cannot fathom what might have been going through the minds of any of the people involved in this. Sonny spiraling, and Ava being involved in it somehow, is an idea that has some merit; it could have been written a hundred different ways, and all of them could have been better than this. I don't know where it's going. I don't really care. It's horrible.

Meanwhile, Jason — who Jagger ordered to stay in town in order to act as bait for Pikeman's assassins — appears to be spending the bulk of his time in a mostly empty warehouse "counting inventory." You'd think Pikeman could have just sent someone to put a really big bomb outside the building, but no; instead, he's free to have Very Urgent Conversations with the surprisingly short list of people who seem to want to talk to him these days.

First on that list, naturally, is Carly, who came by the warehouse to tell him Sonny's in trouble. To her credit, Carly doesn't believe Ava would mess with Sonny's meds because she has nothing to gain from it; instead, she thinks he's acting like a jerk because his pride was hurt by the breakup with Nina and he doesn't know what to do with his anger. She suggested that perhaps Stella might be able to get through to him and recommend a blood draw, but before that conversation could go any further, they were interrupted by Jagger, who arrived with his customary armload of threats. After pretending to leave, Carly eavesdropped outside the office and learned that Jason was involved in investigating Pikeman and Brennan — and in true Carly fashion, she then went to Pentonville, visited with Brennan, and told him he was being investigated by the FBI in general and Jagger in particular.

Is this the dumbest thing Carly has ever done? It's so hard to tell. Either way, Brennan is now aware of where the threat to Pikeman is coming from, and who installed Jason as an undercover operative with the organization. Meanwhile, Jason told Anna that he agreed to work for the FBI because they have a recording from one of the Five Families meetings that Carly attended when she thought Sonny was dead and she was acting as the head of his business — and after Jagger told him Carly visited Brennan at Pentonville, he told Anna that too, and both of them immediately realized that Carly must have blown their whole investigation under the deeply misguided belief that she was helping Jason. Anna volunteered to be the one to set Carly straight, which I'm looking forward to seeing even though I know I shouldn't; there's no way these writers are going to give me the deeply deserved smackdown they ought to.

Metallosis

Maura West can at least take solace in the fact that she isn't the only one who's being abused by these writers. That dubious dishonor is also owned by Genie Francis, who must be wondering why Laura can't go more than a few years without being run through the narrative wringer as part of some incredibly jiveass storyline. Apparently, even though she's the mayor and she definitely ought to know better besides, Laura currently has nothing better to do than flit around town trying to build a case for Heather to have her latest criminal conviction — for several murders, mind you — either lessened or overturned. The metallosis made her do it!

I remember when Heather was more of a conniving schemer than a potentially lethal villain, and I can understand why the show might want to legally absolve her of the burden of crimes that she really never should have been written as being guilty of in the first place. On the other hand, this is being written in an offensively ham-handed way. It should not fall to Jordan of all people to explain to Laura that she's sitting on a political time bomb. Laura is compassionate, but she isn't an idiot, and an idiot is what she'd have to be to try and engineer the release of a serial killer.

I really have no idea what they're trying to do here. There's nothing really wrong with coming up with a magical explanation to spring a criminal, but it's quite another thing to come across as though you're actively trying to wave away or redeem their crimes, especially if those crimes include multiple murders. At least when they did it with Franco, they made it so his most heinous acts were only made to seem as though they happened, and even then, that character spent the rest of his existence being openly loathed by people. What I'm trying to say is that I don't really have an issue with Heather being set free from Pentonville — but lord help us all if GH well and truly follows through on its threat to turn her into a weepy, well-meaning grandmother, because that not only flies in the face of who Heather has always been, it'll cripple her ability to generate any kind of interesting story.

If I had to guess, I would guess that Heather is putting on an act, and once she ends up in a minimum security facility, she'll break out, kidnap Ace, and go on the lam for a few years. But for right now, here's what we have: Laura has pled Heather's case to Alexis, and while Alexis has made it clear that she has no personal interest in seeing Heather freed, she's daring to hope to start to think like an attorney again, and as an attorney, she believes everyone deserves the best defense. Clearly, Alexis' disbarment will be overturned; just as clearly, Heather will be her first client. Set your timers, ladies and gentlemen.

You guys, I think that might be everything that doesn't deserve a bullet point. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best with the week to come; in the meantime, here's everything else that I took notes on:

• Diane reminded Alexis that TJ and Molly's baby is legally Kristina's

• Blaze and Natalia argued about her relationship with Kristina, her plans to attend Brook Lynn and Chase's wedding with Kristina, and her refusal to hire her brother Eloy to play guitar on her upcoming single

• Molly told Kristina that she laid down the law with TJ

• After being rebuffed by Laura, Sonny approached Jordan about making "a significant donation to the city of Port Charles"

• We learned that Aurora tried to buy Sonny's always mostly empty gym, and after initially agreeing, Sonny declined the offer

• Willow smiled at Nina

• Drew suggested that Crimson write a story on Willow after she accepted the position as spokesperson for the New Tomorrow Institute, which totally sounds like another cult

• Felicia grilled Anna about her willingness to spend time with Valentin

• Gregory admitted that flying to Coney Island for the rehearsal dinner would be too much for him, but blew up at Finn when he wanted a caregiver to watch Gregory while they were away

• Finn's relapse is being telegraphed very loudly

• Lois and Jagger finally bumped into each other and reconnected at Bobbie's

• Sam and Jason argued over parenting, and he finally told her he was working for the FBI

• Sam told Dante she wants to help Jason

• Dex and Joss had a race in the park, after which she told him she's going to be a lifeguard at the Metro Court's three-foot pool over the summer and after that she's changing her major to environmental science