Another week has come and gone in fictional Port Charles, NY, and for the moment, it looks like the General Hospital writers have shifted into an old-fashioned gear — by which I mean last week started and ended with a bang, with a lot of fairly skippable stuff in between. It doesn't make for the most consistently scintillating watch, but for a longtime viewer like me, it's almost oddly comforting in a way to return to what once was the standard rhythm for a soap.
Of course, rhythm is only one part of a show's narrative, and it doesn't count for much if the stuff it's supporting isn't entertaining. How'd GH do on that front last week? Let's take a look.
Is It Done?
As we all knew would happen, Jason emerged unscathed from the shootout at the warehouse. Pinned behind sacks of coffee beans with two gunmen firing at him, he simply stood up, killed one shooter without even looking at him, and took a shot at the other one as he ran away. Anna was the first one on the scene, and she took Jason to the PCPD, where she was in the process of debriefing him when Diane showed up and tossed her out of the interrogation room.
Once they were alone, Jason urged Diane to get to Sonny and lawyer him up before the police could get to him. Sonny helpfully called Diane in the middle of this conversation, demanding that she meet him; against her better judgment, Diane acceded to Jason's wishes and headed back to the warehouse, where Sonny was bickering with Detective Bennett. When Anna returned, she told Jason that they'd determined the identity of the shooter he killed — and surprise surprise, he had ties to a group that had worked with Sonny's organization in the past. He also conveniently had a burner phone on him, which even more conveniently only had one number on it. Putting her cop instincts to good use, Anna called the number — and was stunned to hear Valentin's voice on the other end, asking "Is it done?" Too shaken to respond, she only sat in silence until Valentin, clearly realizing he'd fucked up, disconnected the call.
This was a legitimately great way to close out last Monday's episode — in recent years, GH has typically been frustratingly reluctant to surprise us, at least in fun ways. Really, I think the last time I can remember something like this happening was when Obrecht revealed herself as the new chief of staff at the hospital. Anna hearing Valentin's voice on the other end of the line would have been even more impactful if we saw him more than ten minutes a month, but whatever; I'm giving credit where credit's due.
Jason, no dummy, could tell from the look on Anna's face that Sonny wasn't the one who answered the call, and he pestered her to tell her what was going on until she caved and said "The head of Pikeman… it was Valentin." This was music to Jason's ears — he got up and bolted for the door, ready to find Jagger and give him the information that would complete his agreement with the FBI and make him a free man. The end of the Pikeman storyline, at long last! Could we be so lucky?
Friends, I am here to tell you that we could not. Before Jason got to the door, Anna stopped him, convincing him that even if he handed Jagger Valentin's name on an engraved platter, it wouldn't necessarily be enough to get him out from under the FBI — not least because Valentin is smart and squirrelly, and until there's a locktight case against him, they really ought to hold off on shooting their shot. (The fact that Anna recently used this same rationale to avoid going after Sonny might seem to suggest that she's sort of a shitty police commissioner, but I will not allow any unkind words to be spoken about Anna Devane in this column, so let's just keep moving.) Long story short, Anna talked Jason into not only holding off on going to Jagger with what they now know about Valentin, she also got him to agree to let her take the lead on their investigation; as she sees it, she's the only one who can be fully trusted to nail Valentin, because she's his weak spot.
In general, I don't enjoy Anna teaming up with lifelong criminals, so I don't find this stuff as fun as some of the rest of you, but I think we can all agree that the biggest source of disappointment here is just the simple fact that the fucking Pikeman storyline is going to trudge along for another few weeks or months or years. In this and so many other things, the GH writers know no mercy.
Anyway, before Valentin inadvertently exposed himself to Anna, he was busy lurking in a stairwell at GH, where he met Brennan after Brennan used a concealed paperclip or some damn thing to unlock his handcuffs, dressed himself in scrubs, and dragged himself out to yell at Valentin about all the stuff Carly stupidly told him when she visited him at Pentonville. For a guy who's generally known for being suave, Brennan kind of lost his shit a little bit during this conversation — upon learning that Jagger's leading the investigation into Pikeman, he urged Valentin to leave Jason alone, fearing that if they moved on Jason, the FBI would know exactly who was responsible. Valentin, embracing his inner smirking bastard, dismissed Brennan's concerns, pointing out that if Jason actually knew anything about Pikeman's inner workings, they'd already be toast, and adding that "Sonny" would take care of Jason for them anyway.
That part of Valentin's plan is obviously now blown, but the other thing we learned in the stairwell is that Brennan's lawyers have been slow-rolling his case because he's waiting for Valentin to get the charges dropped. How is he supposed to do this? I have no idea, but whatever it entails, it'll apparently take some more time; Valentin ended their conversation by telling Brennan he needed to be patient.
Back at the warehouse, Diane arrived with just enough time to ask Sonny if he was responsible for the shooting before Jagger showed up, full of righteous anger and ready to rip into him all over again about how he's taken advantage of numerous young people over the years, and Jason might be the saddest of them all because he had brain damage. You guys know I eat this stuff up with a spoon, but it also isn't going to go anywhere, and at this point, Jagger's been reduced to a scene or two every couple of weeks, so I don't have high hopes for whatever the show's plans for him might be.
You Have Completely Betrayed Me
One week into Pride Month, it seems pretty obvious that the show intends to "honor" its LGBTQIA+ viewers by spooling out this asinine Kristina/Blaze story with all the subtlety of a particularly lame afterschool special. On Monday, they got into a big fight after Blaze told Kristina she'd slipped up and let Molly know about Sonny assaulting Dex at the wedding; channeling her dear old dad, Kristina shouted "I trusted you more than anyone and you have completely betrayed me" before storming out of Blaze's hotel room.
Meanwhile, Natalia was sniffing around Sonny's place, showing up with a bottle of scotch to thank him for taking her to the wedding. He was of course off dealing with the shootout, but Ava was home, so she invited her in and they had a lengthy, deeply annoying conversation about how Natalia thinks queer folks (or, as she put it, "alphabet soup" people) are "flighty" and "not serious about life." Ava pushed back, Natalia didn't care, and after Natalia left, we saw that Ava had been recording their conversation on her phone, presumably so she could play it for Sonny and eliminate her supposed competition.
Later in the week, we saw Natalia and Blaze show up at the recording studio to tweak her new single or something, which led to nothing truly interesting. All you really need to know is that Natalia continues to be written as a cartoon villain, and even though it initially seemed like Kristina wasn't going to be there for the session, she eventually showed up in time to have an extremely passive-aggressive conversation with Natalia, who urged her to break up with Blaze and spare everyone involved unnecessary pain. Instead, Kristina apologized to Blaze for being an asshole.
I've said this before, I'll say it again: This shit was tired 30 years ago, and it's doubly offensive for the show to ramp it up while promoting Pride Month. We are well past the point where queer relationships can and should be written like any other relationship; there's absolutely no reason for the GH writers to stoop to generating conflict between a queer couple by conjuring a wicked mother out of thin air and having her talk like a Rush Limbaugh caller in 1992. Also, speaking of 1992, that's arguably the last year that Blaze's new single would have sounded the slightest bit current. GH has a history of writing insta-career changes for its pop singer characters; it should follow that trend with Blaze at the earliest available opportunity.
Barb to the Rescue
The story that ate up the most screen time last week is the one I find least interesting, but the fallout from everything that went down prompted an immediate dance party on Twitter, so I guess I might as well dive into the strange saga of Sad Dr. Finn and His Post-Funeral Bender.
As we all saw coming from the moment Finn accidentally sipped a few drops of champagne, the sadness of Gregory's death opened an immediate gateway into boozin' it up for Finn, which is a huge deal because he's been an addict in recovery ever since he quit that one highly addictive drug he was secretly injecting while he was developing a cure for that one disease. Of course, as he told Elizabeth in the midst of what seemed like a sincere apology for the things he said when he was drunk, alcohol was never his problem; he only stopped drinking as a precautionary measure. Still, everyone has been Extremely Worried About Finn ever since he admitted to the whole world that he had a couple shots of bourbon, and that was a frequent topic of discussion last week.
The fact that Finn wasn't previously written as an alcoholic is only one part of why this storyline isn't sitting right with me. The other part is that if you've watched soaps for any length of time, you've almost certainly watched a recovering addict fall off the wagon as a result of something sad; on the list of daytime tropes that have been done to death, it's just about up there with baby swaps and paternity test switches. It's doubly frustrating because the show has actually done a solid job of portraying Finn's grief, at least in certain moments, and it's obvious that if they'd wanted to, they could have spent some real time focusing on an adult child grappling with regret after losing a previously estranged parent.
Instead, the true goal here is to separate Finn from Elizabeth. Now, I'm not saying that pulling this soggy cardboard box of a couple apart is anything other than a good idea, but there was absolutely no reason that it had to happen in a way that's so sloppily written and disrespectful to the experiences of millions of recovering addicts. If they really wanted Finn to relapse, they should have him shooting up in the street. Instead, he's had a few drinks, and they've had his friends and loved ones acting like he's half a step away from letting Violet wander out onto some train tracks.
It all came to a head after Gregory's funeral, which was held in the only public park in Port Charles, where the only bench in the park now has a plaque commemorating his life. Chase, Finn, Violet, Brook Lynn, Elizabeth, Aiden, Jake, Alexis, and Tracy all gathered to pay their respects, and everyone shared their memories of Gregory, with the exception of Jake and Aiden, who had no lines and only got to stand around looking kind of sad. After dumping Gregory's ashes on the ground, they went to the Metro Court, where Finn sneaked off and knocked back a couple shots of tequila, unaware that a seething Chase was standing behind him and could see everything.
After spraying some mouthwash to cover the smell, Finn left Violet with Maxie for a pool date and sleepover, declining Chase and Brook Lynn's offers to help him go through Gregory's belongings and decide what to donate. After he left, Chase told Brook Lynn he thought Finn wanted to take care of it himself so he could drink alone in peace — and that's almost what happened, albeit only after Finn placed a somewhat confusing phone call to a local church to see whether some meetings that had been temporarily canceled on account of construction had been resumed. Grabbing his keys, Finn left his apartment… and ended up at the Brown Dog sitting next to a random woman named Barb.
Here's where things get really silly. Barb sidled up to Finn — who's a mopey motherfucker on his happiest day — and started hitting on him very aggressively, complimenting him on how much fun he was and how she almost decided not to approach him because she was afraid he was "one of those dark, brooding types." This dialogue might not have been ridiculous if Drunk Finn behaved any differently than Sober Finn, but he doesn't; at one point, upon learning that he was a doctor, she said he must have saved a lot of lives, and he paused for what seemed like a year before sadly whispering "Not enough."
This is a character self-destructing and taking his romantic relationship down with him. It's supposed to mean something! Instead, it mostly just reminded me of Pee-wee Herman shouting "I'm a loner, Dottie! A rebel!"
You know where all this is going. From the moment we saw Finn and Barb together at the bar, we knew they'd end up hooking up — the only surprise (and it wasn't a bad one at all) came when Jake walked into the Brown Dog with a couple of friends and some fake IDs, hoping to score some illegal beer. They were successful in their mission, but once Jake saw what was going on with Finn, he was too horrified to enjoy it; instead, after Finn left with Barb, Jake hightailed it to the hospital, where he told Elizabeth what he'd seen (changing some key details regarding his own guilt, of course).
Elizabeth, who'd apparently gone to the hospital directly after Gregory's funeral and hadn't even had time to change into her scrubs, told Jake she'd handle the situation after she finished her shift. Jake, meanwhile, immediately placed a call to an unknown person who has definitely got to be Jason, telling them that Elizabeth is in trouble and needs them. It all came to a head in the final moments of Friday's show, when she let herself into Finn's apartment and found a drunken Finn making out with Barb on his couch. If looks could kill, we'd be talking about a murder mystery right now.
As I said, I think the way this is being handled is stupid, but the end result seems to be prying Elizabeth away from Finn, so I'm not sure there's much point in complaining about it further. If this is what it takes to demolish one of the most poorly conceived GH couples in recent memory, then so be it. I'm afraid some of you aren't going to be happy to hear that I have next to no use for Jason as a romantic lead either, and that I have absolutely never understood the cult of Liason, but that's a topic for another week. On to the bullet points!
- Drew told Carly he was contemplating a run for office and warned her that the insider trading scandal could come up all over again
- Kristina and Molly argued for the 10,000,000,000th time about Kristina being flaky and Molly being an overachiever
- Gio is working at the Metro Court pool with Joss and going to PCU in the fall, and he also reminds Trina of Spencer if she looks at him just right out of the corner of her eye as he's climbing out of the pool sopping wet
- Nina and Willow talked about DermaSwim lotion for like half an hour
- Chase and Brook Lynn decided they needed to host a "summer camp" for Violet at the Quartermaine mansion
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