I have to be honest, folks — this show is getting harder and harder to write about every week. The last couple of weeks have reminded me of Shakespeare, but not in a "wow, this is some brilliantly written drama" way; more in a Macbeth Act 5, Scene 5 way. Specifically the line about a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Things keep right on happening in Port Charles, as they must, but precious few of them feel like they have any dramatic weight or even reason for being. Characters and their motivations change on a dime, the contours of storylines are altered for little to no apparent reason, and we're getting reams and reams of placeholder expository dialogue along the way. General Hospital is a mess right now, which wouldn't be so bad if the writers were taking big swings. Instead, the writing has the same timid, allergic-to-fun attitude it's largely had for the last several years, minus the feeling that anyone involved has any kind of plan.
All of which is to say that I find myself once again wondering what the heck there even is to say about last week's episodes, but because I'm a goddamn professional, I'm still here to give it my best shot. Let's find out together, shall we?
I Heard You Stabbed Yourself for Me
Normally, I write about the week's storylines in order of perceived importance, but nothing really stood out last week, so I'm just going in order of appearance — and this time, that means we have to talk about Carly first. I apologize in advance.
Ms. Spencer led off the week by visiting Brennan at GH, telling him she had to come because of the rumor going around that he shanked himself in order to get out of prison and see her again. In what world this would even make sense I have no idea; I only know we aren't living in that world. First of all, Carly visited Brennan at Pentonville, so why would he think he had to be temporarily sprung from the joint in order to see her? And second, just because he was admitted to GH, why would that automatically mean she'd come see him? Third and perhaps most importantly, if it's really that important for Brennan to see and speak with Carly, then why was their conversation so utterly meaningless? Aside from a lot of tiresome back and forth about what he may or may not be guilty of, and some talk about what Carly unwittingly gave him when she stupidly told him that Jagger and the FBI are investigating him, the only real takeaway was that Carly really wants Brennan to leave Jason alone, and Brennan is unwilling to promise that he will. Oh, and of course as she was leaving his room, he told her to "stay far away" from him, because this show is forever in thrall to the idea of dangerous men that women simply cannot resist.
And that was basically all we saw of either character for the remainder of the week. Carly showed up again on Friday when Molly went to her seeking details regarding Sonny's beating of Dex during the wedding reception, which was definitely a conversation that could have happened offscreen. Shortly thereafter, Sonny showed up at the Metro Court and told her he was "dealing with Jason" and intimating that his formerly trusted associate is about to get what's coming to him. (More on that in a bit.)
Brennan also reappeared on Friday, this time being visited by Jagger, who's increasingly starting to feel like a forgotten man. Jagger showed up loaded for bear, insisting that he'd be transporting Brennan back to Pentonville on account of how he's a very dangerous individual, but before he could make that happen, Portia showed up and told him Brennan wasn't going anywhere until his doctors signed off on the transfer.
This led to some back and forth between Brennan and Jagger about how Brennan's been cooling his heels in Pentonville for months without so much as a trial date, which is apparently the result of Brennan's lawyers continually asking for postponements. Smart enough to add two and two, Jagger is convinced that Brennan's stalling for time while he waits for something to happen — but then he put on his tinfoil hat and accused Brennan of being in cahoots with Anna, of all people.
Okay, so we know Jagger and Anna have had a tense relationship since this investigation started, but he really has no reason to think she arrested Brennan so she could be there in person for a transfer of power, or that she's the new head of Pikeman. Charles Mesure is certainly charismatic and he made some fun choices during these scenes, but that isn't enough justification for wasting our time with a bunch of tail-chasing around plot details that we all know are meaningless.
Really, at this point, I don't know where this storyline could even go that would justify the years of mostly aimless meandering that's led us here. The Pikeman storyline feels like the Anselmo case on Moonlighting — a continual reference to something that's never resolved, and a joke whose punchline is that there will never be a punchline. If everyone just stopped talking about Pikeman and the whole thing disappeared like the Harmony's ghost storyline, how many viewers would even complain? I mean, at least it'd be over. That feels like mercy right now.
Dining Alone?
Alexis started the week in Albany, where she retreated to a local diner after her hearing and was trying to enjoy a salad in peace when Fergus showed up, invited himself to sit at her table, and traded a few barbs with her before skulking off into the night. The big takeaway from their conversation? Neil never mentioned Fergus because he and his brothers were all at odds over some disagreements regarding their father's estate.
After Fergus left, Alexis tried calling Gregory, who is of course dead; on account of that, his phone was answered by Chase, who had to break the news to her. I felt bad for Nancy Lee Grahn here — acting out your grief over the death of a friend with only a cell phone for a scene partner is less than ideal. GH made it up to her (and us) the following day, however, when she returned home and got a visit from Finn, who told her about the circumstances surrounding Gregory's death and came clean about drinking after finding his father's body.
This was all sweet stuff. It ended up making me slightly angry because it served as a reminder of how asinine it is that Finn and Alexis have been largely out of each other's orbits over the past couple of years, a foolish failure to capitalize on some real chemistry between actors who can play friends or lovers equally effectively. Anyway, it was all over too quickly; after Finn left, Diane showed up to talk about Alexis' disbarment appeal and also share the news that she'd be handling Gregory's will, which mentioned Alexis. Diane invited Alexis to the reading, but she declined, saying she needed to pay Ava a visit instead.
It was just as well that Alexis passed on attending the reading of Gregory's will, because it was a big ol' nothing — Alexis was named his literary executor, Chase was named his overall executor, Violet got his books, and everything else was split between Chase and Finn. Again, something that could have happened offscreen — and a fat missed opportunity, too. I'm a firm believer in not killing off characters unless their death can produce more story than they'd be able to generate alive, which is a belief these GH writers apparently do not share; aside from some sweet conversations and a relapse, his passing will pass with nary a ripple left behind. Why not put something wild in the will? Or some shocking family secret in his effects? I mean, look, I'm not necessarily advocating for yet another Chase sibling, but this show has way too many stories that are written to simply begin and end, which is soap death.
Speaking of soap death, it's certainly starting to feel like we're staring down the barrel of an Ava whodunnit. True to her word, Alexis visited Ava at the gallery and confronted her for filing the complaint that got her disbarred; true to her nature, Ava casually copped to the whole thing and basically purred "go fuck yourself" in response. Her motivation for wrecking Alexis' legal career apparently boils down to Ava blaming her for the dissolution of Alexis' marriage to Julian and everything that came after, which is not only revisionist but also hilariously inaccurate; clearly, the writers just reeeeeally wanted to put these characters at odds. Which would have been just fine if not for the stupidly convoluted way they went about doing it, and also the rotten timing, which leaves the Ava/Alexis war as just another banana peel slopped on top of the compost heap that is the "Ava Messes with Everyone for No Good Reason" storyline.
To recap: Ava is staying silent about Sonny's tampered meds, she used her Jerome wiles to drive the final nail in the coffin of his marriage to Nina, and she caused Alexis to lose her license to practice law. She's fighting with Nina, she's fighting with Alexis, and she will inevitably soon be blamed for Sonny's erratic behavior. Ava is a character who's been written in and out of many corners over the years, but the way the writers are piling on right now, it definitely feels like we're watching the end of an era.
Which will be a sad, stupid loss if it ends up being true. I saw someone on Twitter arguing that virtually all of Ava's storylines have been dumb, which is actually a take you could defend even though it feels hot; the reality is that Maura West has been asked to sell a ton of garbage during her GH tenure, and she's done it all, every single time. She's a tremendous asset to the show, in other words, and letting her walk — or writing her out — should be a fireable offense.
Soaps have forever struggled with the problem of how to keep morally flexible-to-villainous characters around long-term without sanding off their most interesting edges, but over a decade and change, Ava has never been dull and has rarely stopped seeming potentially dangerous. She's a unicorn. I can't think of a single good reason for doing any of this. I hope GH proves me wrong, but I don't think it will.
You're in Real Trouble
If you're the type of viewer who'd rather not watch Jason standing around counting beans, last week finally gave you more of what you've been craving — but not until the closing moments of Friday's show, when things abruptly shifted into Cliffhanger Mode and a couple of gunmen sneaked into the warehouse and started shooting at him. We'll get to that in a bit! First, though, we have to talk about a few other things, starting with Sam's visit to Spinelli in his technology closet/apartment/middle-aged man's lazily conceived vision of a hacker's paradise.
She showed up to try and convince him that they totally ought to try hacking into the FBI's files so they can find out what the Bureau has on Jason, while he tried in vain to convince her that messing with a federal agency is a very bad idea. This is all nonsense, of course. Sam left Jason because he wouldn't give up the mob life, and Spinelli has made a point of putting his own mob-adjacent activities behind him. It makes sense that they'd both be surprised by Jason working with or for the FBI, but why would they risk their own freedom to try and free him from this arrangement? Shouldn't they see this as an improvement? It isn't like he's going to work in an office for the rest of his life. What's the goal here, aside from giving those two something to do?
I suspect the answer to that question is unfortunately "nothing," but it's happening anyway. Spinelli also got approval from Maxie, who simply told him to be careful and not get caught. Later, the two of them agreed that he should move back into her house and live in the guest room while they start dating again.
While Sam and Spinelli wrung their hands over Jason working for the FBI, Anna showed up at Jason's room above Bobbie's to ask him for his version of the events that led to Sonny assaulting Dex at the wedding reception. That was just a rehash, though; the real reason for her visit was so she could ask Jason if he thought Sonny would try to have him and Dex killed — the first in a series of anvil drops leading to that Big Friday Cliffhanger I mentioned a little while ago.
We saw a LOT of scenes about the beating last week, most of them centering around the tired and borderline offensive notion that Dex filing charges would be harmful to the health of the baby. This type of thinking hasn't been mainstream since before Steve Hardy became chief of staff, but whatever; it is what it is, and as a result, this has become the saga of a virtuous former mob enforcer taking more lumps from an ex-boss who's been violently abusive toward him throughout the duration of their relationship, all in the name of not taxing the allegedly fragile health of his daughter and the baby she's carrying.
"Dex did it for your children" is the mantra we heard repeatedly, starting with the silly scenes that kicked off with Sonny — jogging alone in the park! — bumping into Joss, who lectured him about what an asshole he is after saying she refused to waste her breath doing exactly that. We heard it again when Dex told Dante he wasn't pressing charges and why. Dante then met with Kristina, who blubbered like a dope about how she never knew that Sonny actually physically hurt people directly (like that makes a difference) while sitting across the table from the son he shot point blank. The writers tried to make this a little better by having Kristina say she thought Sonny shooting Dante was a mistake, but the idea that Kristina would have believed this in 2024 is absurd. We heard more of it from Molly as she played Sherlock Holmes all over town trying to get the details of Dex's beating, angry that Kristina hadn't told her about it and ultimately vowing to Alexis that once the baby's born, she intends to keep "Kristina and her drama far away."
So where does this leave us? Well, Sonny also found Dex in the park, and told him that as far as he's concerned, their beef is over; if Dex wants to be a cop, he can be a caaaaahp, as long as he stays away from Sonny and everyone he cares about. He tried to make the same deal with Jason, offering to buy him out of Corinthos Coffee, but Jason refused, saying the company was "barely operational" when he returned and insisting it needs to be a functional front for Sonny's illegal businesses in order to shield him from potential RICO charges. "I am your friend," Jason told Sonny while blinking back manly man tears. "I'm your friend for as long as I can remember, and I'm telling you right now… you're in real trouble."
In response, Sonny said he's through being friendly and issued another warning that Jason needs to get out of his way or he's "done, gone." You know what happened next: Gunfight at the Corinthos Coffee Corral, with Jason pinned down by two gunmen and coffee beans spilling all over the floor.
We know Jason isn't going to die and we can also be 99 percent certain that this hit was arranged by Valentin in an attempt to frame Sonny. The only real mystery here is why it took Pikeman so damn long to take its shot at Jason, who appears to spend most of his time alone and unprotected in the Corinthos Coffee warehouse. I guess they were waiting for Gregory to die, which I suppose has to be considered respectful. Points for etiquette to the arms dealers.
The Running Man
Not much to say about this yet, but it's happening, so let's talk about it anyway: Drew, who just the other day was being written as a man who'd suffered irreparable psychological damage during his 15 minutes in Pentonville and was in the middle of transforming into some sort of villain, is now thisclose to announcing his candidacy for the congressional seat that's about to be vacated by the conveniently terminal Congressman McConkey.
Drew shared the news with Willow, who thinks Drew running for office is a fantastic idea and would absolutely not shut up about it. She also thinks Drew single-handedly saved her life, though, so her judgment is suspect. Far more cogent was Michael, who made an annoying amount of sense while breaking down all the adverse ways Drew's candidacy could impact Aurora, especially at this critical juncture when they're about to buy a bunch of gyms, give Curtis an office, and call it a new health and wellness division.
What will come of all this? I don't know, and I genuinely could not care less. Drew could sprout wings and it wouldn't make him more interesting, nor would it alter the fundamental uselessness of this version of the character. If you've been watching GH long enough to remember any of the political campaigns characters have been involved in, you know this type of storyline is usually a quick ticket to boredom; polling numbers and debates are simply not the stuff of riveting drama, at least not in this context. The only way it'll end up being worth a damn is if Drew running for office motivates someone from his past to show up with a deep, dark secret, and even then, I have my doubts.
Think of Laura, Who Is Thinking of Heather
Speaking of politics, the chickens are coming home to roost for Laura, who's facing an eruption of bad publicity thanks to someone in her office leaking the news that she's advocating for the reopening of Heather's case. The thankless task of playing all this out fell to Tanisha Harper, Donnell Turner, and especially Genie Francis, who has got to be trying like hell to figure out what in the world Laura's thinking lately.
It all went down in Laura's office, where she and Jordan were in crisis management mode while trying to determine the source of the leak when Curtis showed up with a bee in his bonnet about the Invader story. Jordan made a quick exit and Curtis stuck around to lay into Laura, asking her to think about how it would affect the families of Heather's victims — and the family of her intended victim, Trina — if Heather were to go free. (Yet another conversation that Taggert should have been part of.) Laura rather lamely countered that Heather's fate needed to be determined by a judge, and she was only acting as a responsible citizen because Heather was suffering from metallosis when she committed multiple murders and also she now has Heather's power of attorney. Things ended up getting pretty heated, and after vowing that he and Portia were being given no choice but to fight Laura with everything they've got, he stormed out.
Why is this story being written this way? I can't think of a single good reason. Again, as I've said before, I understand wanting to get Heather out of prison — but Heather's gotten out of prison lots of times over the years, and she's never needed another character to twist themselves in logical knots in order to make that happen. The way Heather's being handled through all this is also desperately strange; it's as if the writers are depending on viewers not being able to remember a version of the character that existed before, say, the reveal that she was Franco's mother. The reality is that Heather has always been a little dangerous and a whole bunch cuckoo, and that's how she always ought to be written — not just because metallosis can't explain the way she acted in the late '70s and early '80s, but also because her unpredictability is the main ingredient behind her prolonged tenure on the show. She's meant to be a wild card with a deep morally ambiguous streak, not a kindly grandmother.
Of course, the kindly grandmother thing could (and should) just be an act, but Heather doesn't need to fool Laura with it in order to escape. I still think the endgame here should be for Heather to end up in a minimum security facility, break out, kidnap Ace, and disappear for a while, and none of what's happening now needs to take place in order for any of that to occur. If this is just a case of the writers being bored with Laura as mayor and looking for a reason for her to be voted out of office, there are simpler and more sensible options for that as well — for starters, she's preparing to adopt a goddamn toddler, so she could easily announce that this term will be her last, paving the way for Jordan's ascension. I don't get any of this. I just keep going back to what I said a week or two ago, which is that every 6-7 years or so, Genie Francis gets well and truly hosed by whatever writing regime happens to be in power at the time, and it looks like it's happening again.
Welp, it looks like I've once again managed to write several thousand words about a week that left me feeling like nothing much happened. Am I enabling these people? Here's hoping the week to come marks the start of the creative turnaround that the show keeps trying and failing to deliver. Until then, here are your bullet points:
- Joss and Trina are looking for apartments
- Maxie warned Nina not to mess with Ava, who "has a history of murder and mayhem with a touch of poison"
- Finn apologized to Elizabeth for the things he said when he was drunk, and she listened politely but clearly still has her back up about his relapse and the disregard he showed Violet
- Sam told Kristina she's sure she'll "do the right thing" where Sonny's concerned
- Alexis is prepared for the disbarment tribunal to rule against her
- Tracy comforted Chase, who blamed himself for Gregory's death
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