Well, if you had any lingering doubts as to the direction the new/old writing team intends to take General Hospital — and whether any of their plans will include offering us anything remotely new — I think they were firmly laid to rest last week. Whether they're cooking this crap up on their own or it's a mandate being handed down from on high, it seems clear that the mission right now is to try and lure back lapsed viewers by serving up minor variations on the stuff they've seen before. In other words, if you prefer GH when it's the Sonny Show — specifically the version of Sonny who goes around murdering people in cold blood while everyone tells him what a great dad he is, etc. — then get excited.
As for the rest of us? Well…
Getting Lucky
Before I start ranting about Sonny, let's focus on the show's splashiest effort to improve the ratings, which is Lucky Spencer's return. As Wubs noted in her latest Sunday Surgery, this show has an annoying tendency to assume that "long-absent character being held prisoner in a foreign country" is the most exciting way to start a story like this, and true to form, they're falling back on it to kick off Lucky's latest stint.
Lucky is now a… well, I don't really know, to tell you the truth. It sounds like he's become a sort of one-man exfiltration team for doctors who've gotten themselves in trouble in dangerous parts of the world? And a badass fighter who's capable of taking on eight men at once and holding his own? I'm not really clear on the details, but maybe that's just because I can't look at Jonathan Jackson without thinking about how easy it would be for any random person to put him in a headlock. Whatever; suspension of disbelief is the first rule of daytime, so let's just roll with it. Lucky is James Bond and John Wick rolled into one.
Anyway, he's in Africa, where he spent the first part of the week trying to convince some goons that he only beat up their friends because he wanted to prove his worth to a mercenary warlord named Sitwell. Testing his mettle, the goons handed Lucky a gun and told him to shoot a doctor they'd hustled into the room; when he pulled the trigger and nothing happened, they told him he'd passed his test, and then left so the doctor could tend to Lucky's wounds.
The doctor patched Lucky up, but only after punching him in the face, because GH has long believed that this is a funny way for guys to say hi, and also because Lucky was lying to those goons — he was actually just trying to work his way into Sitwell's compound so he could rescue the doctor, whose name is Isaiah Gannon. Lucky and Isaiah seem to go back a ways, or at least far enough for Isaiah to help the audience understand some of whatever the hell is going on here; there was a fair amount of chitchat about how Lucky never has a plan, and he's always pulling off missions by the skin of his teeth, and all the rest of everything else you'd expect.
While Lucky and Isaiah bantered about how they were going to escape from Sitwell's compound, Laura was busy saying Lucky's name more than she has in the last half-decade put together — specifically because she learned that Lulu has liver cirrhosis and needs a transplant, ideally from a full-blooded family member, or she'll die. We already know Nikolas is off the table, because Laura flew out to Flatlands Prison to have him tested, and apparently his liver isn't high-functioning enough to work. Thanks to some expository dialogue between Maxie and Felicia, we also know Lulu can't be on the donor list because her quality of life is insufficient. So it all comes down to ol' Lucas Lorenzo Junior, who has been a character without much of a fixed identity throughout his adult life. He's been a cop, he's cried a lot, he's gone off to find himself — and now he's apparently being written as just like Luke, only without the rapey parts. After giving Isaiah his gun and insisting he'd be fine until the good doctor could make it to safe ground and send backup, Lucky had a sit-down with Sitwell, which included a lot of banter and of course culminated in a couple rounds of poker. Meanwhile, Isaiah somehow managed to not only ditch his pursuers, but catch a flight to Port Charles. (More on that in a little while.)
While Isaiah went off looking for reinforcements — specifically at the WSB, where Lucky told him "they owe my family a favor" — Laura badgered Brennan for a bead on her son, pointing out that, yes, the Spencers have helped the Bureau plenty in the past. After telling her that he couldn't make any promises, he quickly came back with Lucky's last known location in east Africa, warning Laura that it isn't a part of the world where the WSB is welcome, and getting Lucky a message would be difficult. Armed with this information, Laura of course decided that she and Kevin were the best people to find him, and they took off for Africa after leaving Ace with Tracy.
Does any of this make a lick of sense? Of course not. And while I would love to see Laura sneaking around a mercenary encampment in stylish yet sensible slacks and a fall blazer, I suspect she and Kevin will either be going off on vacation or teaming up with Holly, who's popping by for a quick visit this coming week. I thought she might be returning to usher Robert out of Port Charles, given how unwell Tristan Rogers has seemed of late, but rescuing Lucky makes more sense — and speaking of Robert, he begrudgingly agreed last week to help Anna locate Valentin, but only because she insists she's doing it in order to bring Charlotte back to Port Charles so she can be tested as a potential liver donor for Lulu.
I Did Not Abandon Lulu
While all the would-be derring-do involving Lucky seems fairly silly so far, there's a lot more to be said for the drama developing around Dante — or most of it, anyway; I have deep reservations about what I think I see looming between him and Brook Lynn, but I'll get there in a little bit. First things first: Lulu's worsening condition has rattled our favorite Falconeri, both in terms of life at home — where he's dealing with Rocco's fear for his mom's life — and out on the town, where the situation has kicked up all sorts of seemingly long-buried recriminations. We saw the first example of this in the hospital chapel, where Dante and Tracy got into it after Tracy accused Dante of shattering Lulu's spirit and robbing her of her Spencer spark. This argument didn't make a great deal of sense to me, to be honest, but that didn't matter at all, because Jane Elliot and Dominic Zamprogna are two of the finest actors in a mostly excellent cast, and it was an absolute pleasure to watch them lash out at each other before finally bonding over their shared love of Lulu. Scenes of the week for me, no question.
(Sam also popped by for a few minutes to assure Dante that she understands Lulu will always have a place in his heart and she wouldn't want it any other way. Subtlety, thy name is never General Hospital.)
After having it out with Tracy, Dante was apparently still feeling defensive, because when Carly asked about Lulu, he told her not to bother pretending she cared and brought up the time she paid Brook Lynn to try and break up their marriage. Prior to last week, I don't think this particular Carly scheme has even been mentioned as long as Brook Lynn has been back in town, this seemed like an odd conversation at first, but I didn't really mind, because it gives me life whenever someone reminds Carly what a horrible person she is.
Those positive feelings didn't last, however. You see, Dante wasn't the first person to dredge up that chapter of his past; that honor went to Brook Lynn, who was compelled to share it with an understandably appalled Chase. At first, I assumed this was only happening so newer viewers would understand Dante's annoyance with Carly before he said anything, but now I'm not so sure, and here's why: Just as Dante started to build up a full head of steam while yelling at Carly, he was interrupted by Brook Lynn, who overheard what he was saying. When Carly beat a hasty retreat out of the room, Dante and Brook Lynn shared a moment that included her assuring him that their thwarted affair was a lifetime ago, and him responding that it was "a lifetime Carly doesn't know anything about," followed by a long, meaningful look.
Given how heavily the show has been dropping anvils about Gio's paternity, and given that this sweet, affable, agonizingly dull kid has absolutely no apparent purpose on the canvas even though the actor who plays him is on contract, I feel like there's only one conclusion here, which is that Brook Lynn's ultimately sexless scheme to break up Dante and Lulu 14 years ago is being retconned to include some offscreen humping that produced a college-aged violin prodigy. I can understand why the writers would be motivated to pursue this, if only because it'll theoretically inject some drama into Chase and Brook Lynn's deadly dull marriage, but I'm extremely doubtful regarding its chances of making us care about Gio.
God Laughs, and So Do I
Speaking of things most viewers don't seem to be invested in no matter how hard the show tries, let's talk about the ongoing saga of Heather's redemption and/or release from prison. She was back at GH last week for blood tests, and was in the middle of trying to wheedle some pudding or Jell-O out of her "Lizziebeth" when Portia stepped in to deal with Heather herself. She sent Elizabeth out to the hospital floor, where she was in the middle of some gross bonding with Carly when Ric stepped in. Carly told him to leave town, Ric asked her if the attitude was necessary, she asked him if chaining her to a wall was necessary — it was all very charming, but it wasn't the reason for his visit to the hospital. Instead, as we learned when he strolled into Heather's room, Ric was offered Heather's case when Scott abruptly left town, and he was there for a visit with his new client.
Portia, who was gloating about Scott's sudden absence and Heather's likely inability to acquire new counsel right when Ric walked in, became visibly enraged, excused herself, and stormed back to the nurses' station, where she stared miserably into the middle distance while holding a vial of Heather's blood. Later in the week, she took a call from the GH lab while she was supposed to be paying attention during one of Drew's campaign rallies, all of which would seem to indicate that she's getting ready to screw with Heather's test results in order to try and harpoon her case somehow. How this will work, I have no idea — Wubs has speculated that Brad's recent return only happened so he can end up being blamed for Portia's dirty deeds, and that feels disappointing enough to be accurate — but Portia has been written as such an annoying scold for so long that at this point, I think a complete heel turn might be the last interesting place for the character to go.
Ric, meanwhile, feels like a good choice to take the case. I felt the same way about Scott, given all the history he and Heather share, but Ric needs something to do when he isn't consoling Molly, and it makes sense that he'd represent a client who's loathed by the entire town. Pariahs unite, right?
It's Her Freedom or Yours
Because I have run out of other major storyline developments to discuss, I have no choice but to finally get down to the dirty business of breaking down last week's plot points involving Sonny, Jagger, Kristina, and Ava. Let us take a deep, cleansing breath together before we dive in.
Okay. Namaste, everyone. Here we go.
Because I find what's going on so incredibly distasteful, I'm not going to waste a lot of time recounting the details. Essentially, all you really need to know is that Jagger really started leaning on Kristina as leverage against Sonny, ultimately going so far as to add a manslaughter charge to her list of legal woes and then finally telling Sonny that he could make everything go away if he'd agree to turn himself in and confess to every single crime he's ever committed. Meanwhile, Alexis ran around like a chicken with her head cut off, vacillating between yelling at Jagger and pleading with Sonny to save their poor, fragile daughter, and Kristina vacillated between sobbing in fear and calmly telling Jagger that "your badge will not protect you from the consequences of what you've done to me."
All of this is so stupid, including the idea that Jagger — who was humiliated by the judge presiding over this case — would be able to frighten any Corinthos or Corinthos-affiliated character into believing that Kristina was actually in any danger of going up the river for assault and/or manslaughter. Even if you're willing to accept that Jagger really had an ace in the hole with the false statement he strongarmed out of Ava, AND that he'd really be able to frame Sonny after having Ava murdered, there are still way too many variables in the situation. All of these characters have worked their way out of tighter spots before.
That isn't important, though. The only thing that matters, at least in the eyes of this regime, is that anyone who opposes Sonny must be a deranged villain who has to be stopped at any cost. Jagger obviously has an agenda against Sonny, and he's obviously resorted to below-board methods in his pursuit of justice — but it's still justice he's pursuing, given that his target is a murderer and professional criminal who has evaded any meaningful legal consequence for his decades of bad behavior. Yes, Jagger arrested Kristina on flimsy charges, but Anna arrested Ava for equally flimsy ones, and no one is foaming at the mouth about how she's out of control and needs to pay. Yes, Jagger blackmailed Jason into years of indentured servitude to the FBI, but Jason put himself in that position because he is also a murderer and professional criminal. Why are we supposed to feel bad for these people? In what universe is Jagger the villain in this story?
And look, Sonny fans, before you get upset, I'm not saying Jagger is a hero here. Unfortunately, when presented with an opportunity to depict a genuinely interesting conflict between Sonny and law enforcement, the writers always chicken out and try to turn it into a story about how he might be sort of bad, but whoever is trying to send him to prison is the real problem because whatever they've done is even worse than living completely outside the law for decades. In this particular case, Sonny might not be the only villain, but he sure as hell isn't a hero, no matter how many knots the show twists itself into trying to convince anyone otherwise.
Those knots grew ever more ornate last week, while Sonny glowered his way through town complaining about Jagger "goin' after my KIDS!" while everyone repeatedly assured him that he's a wonderful father and a good man. We got to see Kristina trot out that lumpy old horseshit about Sonny having a "moral code." We watched as Ava figured out that Sonny was right (of course) about Jagger planning to have her killed, and we listened as Agent Boyle, the FBI worker assigned to look after/murder her, talked about being blackmailed by Jagger into doing his bidding. Finally, we watched as Sonny agreed to turn himself in and met Jagger outside the Quartermaine boathouse in the pouring rain, where they yelled a bunch of crap at each other before Sonny shot him, then stood over him as he was bleeding out and shot him again.
But wait, there's more! In the moments leading up to Sonny's latest murder, we saw Kristina slip out of Alexis' house, make her way to Sonny's penthouse, and take a gun. We also saw Agent Boyle's car lose control in the rain and hit Isaiah, who apparently left the Port Charles airport so he could wander around on foot by the side of the highway out by the pine barrens in the middle of a storm. Nice work, dummy!
Based on what I've read, I guess we already know that Jason will come to Ava's (and presumably Isaiah's) rescue, because of course he will. I think we're also probably about to see Kristina accidentally shoot someone who isn't Jagger, and based on what we've read about Kelly Monaco being let go, it feels fairly likely that the someone in question will be Sam. Will the writers be able to resist the temptation to fabricate soapy symmetry by having Sam save Lulu with a liver transplant on her way off the show? I wouldn't bet against it. We also know that Brennan wants Jason to work off the books for the WSB, so at the moment, I'm guessing Jagger's murder and whatever Kristina ends up doing will be wiped away by Brennan in exchange for Jason agreeing to be his pet enforcer too. So much clandestine killing! How will he ever have time to count coffee beans?
In all seriousness, I'm actually very upset about this; if it didn't mean I'd be walking away from the column, I'd be tempted to take a break from the show, because the way GH wants us to see Sonny just keeps getting more twisted and disturbing. There are those who will argue that he should be murdering people, because he's a mobster and that's what mobsters do. I agree with this. However, having him do those things and then still be continually positioned as a protagonist and moral arbiter is just sick and wrong; it was bad storytelling 25 years ago, and it's even worse now. The show's obsession with Sonny has been rotting it from within for years. The climax of last Friday's episode wasn't exciting, it certainly wasn't entertaining, and GH will never be able to evolve or fundamentally improve until decisions like these stop being made.
- Gio told Lois that her accent is part of who she is, but she called a dialect coach anyway
- Yuri had a line of dialogue
- Dex thought about calling his mom, but decided not to
- Alexis assured Molly that she had no intention of helping Kristina keep Irene
- Not realizing that both of them have been diagnosed as never-nudes, Violet asked Chase and Brook Lynn when they're going to have a baby
- Portia thinks Drew will make Curtis the interim CEO of Aurora
- Drew had a sad after hearing that Congressman McConkey died, and he and Willow decided to make it better by making out
- Sasha made punch
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