Welcome back to Critical Diagnosis, folks! I'm not sure how long this week's column will be — there were some memorable scenes, but not much in terms of narrative motion. Let's dive in so you can see what I mean!
Fighting Fire with Fire
The big story of the week — no surprises here — was the aftermath of Michael getting caught in the explosion at Sonny's penthouse. Unfortunately, most of that story revolved around people yelling at each other about where Wiley and Amelia should be living, which isn't exactly the stuff of scintillating drama. I mean, sure, custody of the kids should definitely be part of all this, but I don't understand the decision to pretend any of those decisions could or would ever be as fraught or complicated as the writers want them to be.
In a nutshell: Carly struck first by using Diane to (somehow) obtain a court order removing the children from Willow's custody, at which point they were taken to the Quartermaine mansion. Willow fired back by using her status as Michael's medical proxy to revoke Sonny, Carly, and Jason's access to him — a decision that mortified Nina, who tried in vain to convince Willow she was needlessly escalating a war she didn't want to fight. Nina was, however, able to convince Sonny to play ball with Willow; unfortunately, when he went to the mansion to pick up the kids, Tracy told him they were staying right where they were.
Now, Tracy obviously didn't have any legal standing to do this, but at that particular moment, she was also simply abiding by Carly's court order. It's always delicious when Carly's impulsive behavior blows up in her face, so I wasn't about to complain — especially when she made the most of every opportunity to mock and belittle Sonny and Carly while reminding them of all the shitty things they've both done to the Quartermaine family over the years. As an added bonus, she also had a touching moment with Jason, who decided he couldn't hurt Monica by taking Wiley and Amelia away, and actually said no to Sonny for the first time in as long as I can remember.
These scenes were all entertaining, and if you didn't watch last week, I recommend at least making time for those bits. But they also mark the spot where I started to feel all the unnecessary effort the writers are going through to… I don't know what they're trying to do, actually. Are they dragging this out to make the most of Chad Duell's final handful of scenes? I mean, exploding Michael should be dramatic enough; if he had gone straight from the penthouse to some fancy clinic offscreen, I'm not sure many people would have complained. But instead, he's lying in a burn unit while pretty much everyone in his extended family fights over his kids, when it's patently obvious that they should be staying with their mother, even if she is an adulterous hussy. It's sweet that Tracy is worried about Monica's health, and it's sweeter still that Jason is still enough of a Quartermaine to refuse to hurt her. But the idea that Tracy would refuse to hand Wiley and Amelia over because it'd devastate an ailing Monica is extremely silly. I'm sure this will strike some of you as nitpicking, and I guess it sort of is; I'm just saying that the show could accomplish most of what it seems to be trying to do without piling on weird twists and turns like these. Ultimately, it just feels like padding, and I don't think GH needs more of that.
On that note, let's talk about what comes next for Michael. While Carly fretted about her perfect boy ending up with scars, Jason pointed out that when Ava was burned in a fire, she received a miracle cure courtesy of the same clinic where he was being held as Patient Six or whatever. This was a fairly nifty callback, and one that, on its own, could have served as the perfect offramp for Michael's exit — but then the writers decided once again that there was no need to let a story travel in a straight line when they could scribble all over the page instead.
Turns out the clinic where Ava had her burns fixed no longer exists, BUT Brennan just happens to know that one of the doctors who used to work there went off and started his own facility in Germany, BUT it's even more exclusive than the old one, BUT Brennan was somehow able to secure a bed for Michael anyway, BUT Willow thinks Germany is too far away. So how do we solve this conundrum? Why, by waking Michael up and asking him what he wants, of course!
I don't even know what to say about this. In a world where people come back from the dead on a regular basis, it's unreasonable to expect medical storylines that always make strict sense; on the other hand, what the writers are doing here is just batshit. Honestly, I don't even know why Duell is still onscreen. What could possibly be the point of all this folderol? There's no way it's worth putting us through the extreme suspension of disbelief required by a series of scenes featuring Portia signing off on giving Michael a few moments of searingly agonizing consciousness so his mommy can try and penetrate the morphine haze long enough for him to grunt his vote between Johns Hopkins or the magical German clinic.
Josslyn Jacks, P.I.
As you may recall, the week before last concluded with Cyrus injecting digitalis into Michael's IV bag. This led to a near-death scare that was only averted when Isaiah decided to go for broke and administer the antidote to digitalis; the fact that it worked led him to hurry and tell Portia what happened, and urge her to tell the police that there's clearly a wacko on the loose who's murdering GH patients.
We didn't see Portia call the cops, but we did see an array of amateur sleuths trying to figure out what the hell is going on — and they've all settled on Cyrus as their number one suspect, even though they can't see any connection between him and the various people who've died or almost died recently. Lucky, who's sporting a slightly less Wesson-dipped look these days, has his eye on Cyrus because of the way he tried to take over Lulu's care; now he's getting sort of an assist from Josslyn, who believes Cyrus murdered Dex because Felicia remembers Cyrus' donation bell going silent right before Dex was stabbed.
Josslyn got that information from Felicia after Brennan gave her a list of people who'd given statements to the police following Dex's stabbing. Brennan knows Cyrus stabbed Dex, but can't come out and say it because he'd have to admit that the WSB is retaining drone footage of American citizens. I personally find this to be a needlessly complicated storyline wrinkle, but it's absolute genius compared to Brennan using a college sophomore as his proxy in a murder investigation. I guess the bottom line here is that Brennan is willing to "help" Joss figure out who killed her boyfriend because he's sweet on Carly, but Joss has no experience with this sort of thing, and Brennan has basically aimed her at a guy who's shown repeatedly that he can and will kill at the slightest provocation. This seems extremely irresponsible to me.
On the other hand, I'm not sure I'd be all that upset if Cyrus killed Joss. At least it'd mean she wouldn't be able to barge into the PCPD, demand that Anna bring Cyrus in for questioning, and then screw up the entire investigation by pulling her latest Carly Lite and straight up telling Cyrus she thinks he murdered Dex. If you didn't watch any of this and you think it looks stupid on paper, well… you're very right.
There are a bunch of problems with the way the writers are choosing to address this story right now. First of all, there's the fact that when Spencer died, Trina was basically shuttled offscreen for weeks. I'm always inclined to avoid leveling accusations of racism when accusations of incompetence may be more justified, but regardless of the motivation, this is an extremely bad look — Spencer and Trina were a FAR more popular couple than Joss and Dex, and you actually felt like they loved each other instead of just humping all the time. For the writers to give Joss a real story with actual agency after her boyfriend died, after they refused to do the same for Trina, is a slap in the face.
There's also the fact that the first victim was Sam, and Dante hasn't been shown investigating her death at all. I know part of this is due to Lulu's return, and his connection to her shrill quest to find Charlotte, but Dante is also an actual police detective, and he needs to be involved in this investigation instead of running off to Prague or drinking stable beer with Cody. I'm not particularly pro-cop in real life, but on a show where the alternative is rooting for mobsters, I do think it's important for the quote-unquote good guys to be shown as being good at their jobs — and if we've reached the point where we're supposed to be okay with the PCPD bumbling around in the dark while the case is cracked by some little idiot who works at a diner, I think some genuine housecleaning is in order.
As for Lucky? I don't know how the show could have fucked up his return more badly if they'd tried. I mean, at least he was a cop once, so it makes some amount of sense that he'd put himself on the trail in order to try and save Elizabeth's job. But so far, it feels like the writers wanted him to investigate Cyrus mainly so he could half-heartedly woo his ex, and it really isn't much fun to watch. I would much rather see Elizabeth playing detective on her own.
That covers most of what happened last week. For the rest, I bring you bullets!
- Drew had Tracy arrested when she refused to hand over Wiley and Amelia
- Lulu hit Maxie up for a job at Deception, only to learn that the position in question reports to Brook Lynn
- Stella and Tracy had smoothies
- TJ has vanished
- Kai, who was conflicted about entering the NFL draft at the end of the school year, dislocated his throwing shoulder during a game, which means he'll be back at PCU for his senior year
- Kai's injury cost PCU the game — and cost Cody the $50,000 he wagered with Selina through Brad
- Portia asked Brad to search through recent hospital fatalities, cross-referencing for digitalis
- Tracy agreed to help Lulu find Charlotte, but only once she turns up an actual lead
- Jordan laid into Drew about his shitty behavior, urging him to mend fences with the people he's hurt before it's too late
- Sasha and Willow got super catty with each other after Sasha stopped Willow from taking Wiley and Amelia off the Quartermaine grounds
- We saw Gio and Emma for a minute
- Alexis wants Scout to live with her, and is willing to fight Drew in court if he takes her to Washington
- Brook Lynn visited Doctor Navarro, who had just enough lines to set her mind at ease regarding a viable pregnancy
- Ava urged Nina to tell Willow about her sex with Drew
- Sidwell stopped by the Jerome Gallery, told Ava he bought Wyndemere, and purchased a painting
- Ric, who is owed a lot of money by Ava but apparently does not understand how checks work, took the check Sidwell used to pay for the painting
- Cody brough Brad a cashier's check to give Selina, but he's $5,000 short
- Sonny's heart is still bothering him, but only when the writers think it'll add some extra drama to a scene
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