Well, folks, we're one week closer to the arrival of Beyond the Gates, and ratings remain in the toilet. What is General Hospital doing to lock in viewers before it has to face new competition? The short answer to that question is "A few things, I guess, but they don't seem to be all that interesting." The long answer is this week's column, so let's dive in. It's gonna be a long one!
Everyone Hates Cyrus
As we discussed in the previous edition of Critical Diagnosis, the wagons are really starting to circle around Cyrus. That continued last week; although he was only on for a couple of days, his name is on the lips of a growing number of people, most of whom would like to see him dead.
Jason, unsurprisingly, is at the top of that list. He's always wanted Cyrus dead, of course, but his animosity toward the local drug lord-turned-preacher ramped up last week when he found out about Danny running off to Charlie's so he could confront Cyrus for killing Sam. Jason rushed after Danny, and arrived at the bar just in time to see Cyrus with his hand on an enraged Danny's shoulder; because Jason is not the kind of person who bothers asking for context, he just barged in and started screaming at Cyrus, promising no one would ever find his body if he ever touched Danny again.
This wasn't very smart of Jason from a legal perspective, because half the town was at Charlie's to witness his outburst — including Martin, who ignored Cyrus' objections and made a beeline for the PCPD to file a complaint. (Upon finding Anna there, his righteous anger became fury as he loudly told her how tired he is of watching the police commissioner bend over backward to accommodate Jason's homicidal urges. Same, Martin. Same.)
Annoyed but still duty-bound, Anna had Jason brought in for questioning — a process that she intended to keep informal, but one that took a bad turn when Jason refused to say he'd lay off Cyrus. Struggling to hang onto her investigation, she told him he was being arrested for making a public threat against Cyrus' life, which meant he had no choice but to remain in the interrogation room when Alexis showed up to see him.
At first, Jason thought Alexis was there on behalf of Diane, but she quickly told him she wasn't there as a lawyer; instead, she just wanted to talk to him as Sam's mother. What followed was probably one of the highlights of the week: Alexis started out by explaining how her impotent rage against Sam's death has curdled into something more hateful and dangerous since finding out Sam was murdered. Reminding Jason of how hard she worked to re-obtain her approval from the bar, and how much she loves the law, she then admitted that she doesn't want to put the outcome of this case in the hands of the judicial system; instead, she wants to be the one to kill Cyrus, so she can be sure her face is the last one he sees.
Nancy Lee Grahn is always excellent, but she's even better when the writers give her something she can sink her teeth into, and this series of scenes offered a fine reminder of that fact. For longtime viewers, it was a satisfying reminder of how far Alexis has gone when she's felt cornered — which made it unintentionally hilarious when Jason told her that killing people isn't who she is, because we all remember how she murdered Alcazar and ran over Kiefer. It absolutely is who she is. Still, she took Jason's lie with grace, agreeing that while she isn't a murderer, he is — and if she didn't have to think about the consequences, she'd love nothing more than to hand Jason a gun and let him end Cyrus' life. And then, like the masterful attorney she's supposed to be, she pivoted: Having convincingly conveyed her bloodlust, and openly fantasized about using Jason as her personal instrument of death, she revealed that she was really there to talk him out of doing anything at all.
As she pointed out, what really matters in this situation is not what she wants, or what Jason wants. It's only what Sam would have wanted, and at this point, the main thing Sam would have wanted would be for Danny to somehow find a way to heal — something he'll never be able to do if Jason kills Cyrus, tying him to an act of revenge while that could ultimately put Jason in jail, thereby depriving Danny of both parents.
Again, this was well-written stuff, and both actors did exactly what they were supposed to do with the material. Steve Burton's load was lighter by a long shot, but he did a fine job of subtly conveying the depth of Jason's anger about Sam's death and his desperate desire to be a better father to Danny.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Lucky's investigation into Cyrus continued, with Ric finding her at the hospital to tell her that the terms of Cyrus' parole are pretty standard — he can't be found in possession of a weapon, and he can't be involved in any violent altercations. And Joss continued her pursuit as well, first by lying to Cyrus by telling him neither she nor the police regard him as a suspect in Dex's death. Following that exchange, she saw Colette, who handed her an envelope containing the address of Cyrus' hideout, which was in fact purchased by Austin prior to his death.
(Joss, who remains a completely unqualified idiot, asked Colette why Brennan didn't just text her the information; Colette patiently pointed out that a piece of paper doesn't leave a digital trail. I worry for the future of the WSB.)
Before she could snoop through Cyrus' base of operations, Joss was hauled into the PCPD, where Anna confronted her for breaking into Cyrus' apartment. Even after being told she compromised the police investigation — and put herself in danger by using the building super, who could easily identify her to Cyrus — Joss remained stubbornly unmoved, putting on her best Privileged Blonde Face and asking Anna if she was free to leave or if she should call Diane. Terminally tired of Joss' bullshit, Anna told her she'd better call Diane, because she was being arrested for trespassing — at which point Chase volunteered to step in and try to get Joss to see reason.
All of this is obviously happening in order to muddy the waters whenever Cyrus is finally killed off. Jason wants him dead, Alexis wants him dead, he's being investigated by the cops and Joss and Elizabeth and Lucky… there are so many potential victims for the increasingly desperate Cyrus, and so many people who might end up being behind his murder. He currently has Elizabeth in his crosshairs, but that might just be because she won't stop dancing with Lucky, and he'd rather see her dead than let her suffer through another round with that wet blanket.
Mavis, You Little Bitch
When Jason wasn't busy publicly threatening to murder Cyrus, he had his hands full with Sasha's baby drama — starting on Monday, when he, Sasha, and Cody were all unwittingly summoned to a summit at the Port Charles Grill by Felicia. Jason arrived last, which meant Cody had just enough time to make peace with Sasha before he saw Jason and started shooting off his mouth again, ruining everything: In a matter of moments, he'd shouted about Jason getting Sasha pregnant in front of another room full of people, gotten a face full of Sasha's drink, and suffered the final humiliation of having Jason gently tell him that while his intentions are plainly pure, he really needs to work on being quiet.
After the confrontation at the Grill, Sasha and Jason met at the boathouse, where she explained that they need to let people continue to believe he's the father of her baby, because if anyone finds out it's actually Michael, that'll ruin his chances of getting custody of Wiley and Amelia. Of course, this runs completely counter to everything she was saying just a couple of weeks ago. She didn't want Michael to help raise the baby because he's too close to Sonny and the Quartermaines, but if anything, Jason is closer to both, and he has a long list of enemies all his own. This is one of those "Don't ask questions, just let the story play out" moments that are all too common on this show, and it's twice as annoying because this isn't even the first time Jason has been in this situation. On the other hand, if it prevents the writers from exploring that horrid kiss between Jason and Anna, I'll allow it. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't pause to point out that Jason's one condition for going along with Sasha's subterfuge was that they tell Danny the truth, which led to a sweet little scene between the three of them.)
While Jason and Sasha wove a tangled web, Willow agreed to let Martin dig up dirt on Michael in order to strengthen their case, which he set about doing by acquiring the services of Elaine, the dog-toting PI Ned hired a little while ago. Elaine quickly bumped into Sasha, who bonded with her dog Mavis — a connection Elaine attributed to Mavis' sixth sense regarding pregnant ladies. Sasha later told Felicia about her encounter, and Felicia explained that Elaine is an "old school" investigator who writes everything down in a reporter's notebook; in my notes during this scene, I wrote "the notebook will definitely come into play," which took about five minutes to come true.
Sensing something fishy going on, Sasha tricked Elaine's secretary into revealing her whereabouts, then headed to the park to meet her. Narrowly missing seeing Martin with Elaine, Sasha started chatting her up; before too long, Elaine got a phone call and asked Sasha to watch Mavis while she stepped away to talk. Alone with the dog and Elaine's purse, Sasha unhooked Mavis' leash, screamed when she ran off, and started rummaging through the purse when Elaine chased Mavis. Sasha found the notebook, but before she could do anything with it, we heard Elaine yell "Mavis, you little bitch, get back here," followed by the screech of tires.
For a few minutes, I thought we'd get to live in a world where Sasha Corbin ended up being responsible for the death of a dog, but this was not to be. When next we saw her, she was sitting at GH with Mavis in her lap; moments later, Elaine came out sporting a neck brace. Something about her brush with death put her in the mood to be truthful, because she came clean with Sasha, warning her to watch her back because she's the target of someone's private investigation.
While Martin looks for dirt on Michael, the other folks in Willow's life are making their own plans to separate her from Drew. Leading the charge is Nina, who's so desperate to de-Drew her daughter that she's actually willing to team up with Carly.
You guys know exactly how I feel about the character of Carly, but I like this idea, if only because it has shades of Viki and Dorian, which is a terrific soap dynamic that has too rarely been explored on GH. Sonny and Carly's enemies tend to remain their enemies forever no matter what, and for whatever reason, the writers typically tend to lack the willpower or imagination to force Corinthoses into working with strange bedfellows. Stuff like Carly falling for Franco, or Sonny teaming up with Julian in prison? I'm always down for more of that, and the unholy union of Nina and Carly has plenty of this type of potential.
We haven't really seen any of that potential filled yet, but let's give it time; after all, it was only Monday that Nina officially goaded a reluctant Carly into joining forces. Their plan is to use Maxie as their way into Drew's new home (which I'm guessing will be a lightly redecorated version of Valentin's house). I'm not sure what they think they're going to do once they work their way in there, but whatever; I'm imagining those two bickering at one another while they clumsily try to pull off some sort of Mission: Impossible-style heist, and it looks like fun.
Nina and Carly's mission is complicated by a few things and/or people, among them Tracy, whose loud distaste for Willow — and her recent public insistence that Willow return Lila's wedding ring — risks sending Willow and the kids scurrying off to D.C. with Drew before any of all this hard work has a chance to pay off. Nina sent Carly on a mission to try and make Tracy chill out, which she did; unbeknownst to either of them, Alexis also confronted her, saying Tracy owes her from the time she framed Alexis for drunk driving, and stressing that she needs to have Scout near Danny and Rocco, which is in danger of falling apart if Willow is driven away. Fortunately, the new and more mature Tracy was willing to play ball with Carly and Alexis; her only request to Carly was that when taking Drew down, she would "make it hurt."
This is all fine. My only somewhat minor complaint at this point is that the writers can never give Nina a spine for more than a few minutes at a time. While colluding with Carly, she's also non-stop hand-wringing over the prospect of Willow finding out about her own sexual history with Drew, and going back and forth over whether she should come clean. She hasn't done it yet because she's terrified that it'll mean the end of her relationship with Willow, which strikes me as supremely silly — but then again, Nina is a perpetual punching back for all sorts of less-than-sensible reasons, so I guess this is just par for the course.
Sidwell, well, well
As Cyrus' time on the show comes to an inevitably violent end, Sidwell has started sinking his hooks into numerous corners of the canvas. Jordan is officially in Groom Sidwell mode, up to and including having him join her and Curtis during their meeting to discuss the esplanade project at Cafe Cherie. Again, Sidwell proposed using eminent domain to move the location to Pier 55 — an idea that Curtis recognized as a deliberate shot across Sonny's bow. When Sidwell left the table to take a phone call, Curtis warned Jordan against trusting him, and then lurked around a corner to spy on them after he left and Sidwell returned.
Sidwell also met Lucas, who he was seen by when he visited GH to have a tick bite checked out. This was honestly a smart move on the writers' part — it not only reincorporated the hypochondriac angle that led to Sidwell capturing Isaiah back in Africa, but it allowed Lucas to tell Sidwell (and remind the viewers) that he spent some time living at Wyndemere as a child, when Bobbie was married to Stefan. No complaints there, especially since Van Hansis' version of Lucas might be my favorite? I enjoyed Ryan Carnes in the role, but it always felt like the writers had to work extra hard to find ways to fit him in; for whatever reason, Hansis has Lucas moving all over the place, working well with everybody.
Speaking of work, Sidwell also showed up at Deception, where Lucy revealed him as the answer to the supply issues they were facing with their newest skin cream, which relies on zincite. This is a sensible way to insert the diminutive gem importer into an area of the canvas that desperately needs an actual story, especially since it puts him loudly at odds with Lulu, who shot off her mouth and ruined the meeting. Sidwell excused himself despite Lucy's insistence that Lulu is "inconsequential," and Lulu kinda-sorta apologized, but Maxie backed her up, saying she'd like to know everything there is to know about Sidwell before he actually gets involved with Deception.
While all that was going on, Natalia went out to the parking lot, where she hit up some random guy for a cigarette (!!!) before being admonished by Sidwell, who said he thought she'd given up that "filthy habit" years ago, and… yep, despite all my prayers to whichever gods were on duty, it does turn out that Sidwell and Natalia were married at one point. Does this make him Blaze's father? I do not know, and I regret to inform you that I also do not care, which is my position regarding most things Natalia. I suppose there's a chance that this is the storyline that finally makes her the slightest bit interesting, but when you think about all the actors who've been cycled through this show without really being given much of a chance to establish themselves, it's kind of offensive that Eva LaRue has been allowed to linger, fartlike, without any discernible purpose for nearly a year. I guess her Q score must be off the charts.
When she wasn't trading barbs with Sidwell or working for ten seconds at Deception, Natalia was of course with Sonny. They returned from L.A. on Tuesday, and on the flight, Sonny discovered that he doesn't need a pacemaker after all — he just needs surgery on his heart to repair the damage from that long-ago gunshot wound, which he intends to have in three months. In the meantime, he needs to avoid stress as much as possible, and to that end, Natalia urged him to try and find a compromise with Ava in their battle for custody of Avery.
If Natalia never does anything else on this show, talking some sense into Sonny with regards to Avery could end up becoming her legacy. Although he warned her that he wasn't sure compromise was possible, he ultimately made his way to Ava's apartment, where he interrupted a makeout session between her and Ric to offer a one-time-only settlement: Either she agreed to go back to their original custody agreement, or she took her chances in court. Ric correctly surmised that Sonny was only offering the deal because he knew he was bargaining from a disadvantage, but Ava didn't care; after haggling up to a 50/50 split from Sonny's initial 60/40 proposition, she agreed. Ric was initially pissed, moping that she never even needed him to be her lawyer, but after a few minutes, she had him ready to drop his briefs, legal and/or otherwise.
After reaching an agreement with Ava, Sonny finally headed over to Charlie's, where he complimented Kristina on the minimal amount of work she's done with the place before telling her she wouldn't have to testify at a custody hearing. Kristina responded to this news in a very Kristina way, which is to say she was extremely unhappy about it — partly because she and Ava locked horns at the park days before, when Ava tried to wheedle her way into taking Avery over to her new apartment, which Kristina bizarrely interpreted it as a kidnapping attempt. The week closed out with Kristina gazing at one of the photos from the argument she had with Ava in the moments before she tripped and fell out of the Metro Court.
Does this mean Kristina's destined to go nuts and attack or kidnap Ava? This would be a dumb choice, but also an improvement over the status quo; Kristina is currently an enormous asshole with holes in her brain, but she's being written as a protagonist, so if the writers find a way to make her a full-fledged villain, that can only make her character more tolerable. Also, I would love to watch Ava put her in a headlock and punch her in the face until she passes out.
That's all for the big stuff. Now for your bullets!
- Isaiah kinda-sorta told Lucky he's helping Jordan go undercover against Sidwell
- Kai and Trina talked about her past with Cyrus after Kai was the one to tell Cyrus he needed to leave Charlie's
- Gio and Emma are destined to become the least interesting couple in the history of this show
- Dante spent the week whining about being barred from the investigation into Sam's murder
- Lulu, who has totally worked at Kelly's/Bobbie's before, had a disastrous time subbing for Joss, but got an assist from Dante that will no doubt pave the way for their inevitable yet desperately unwanted reunion
- Emma paused from talking about SAAC to compliment Dante and Gio on their eyelashes
- While Lucas tried in vain to talk Carly out of having sex with Brennan, Maxie confronted Brennan and reminded him that WSB agents are horrible romantic partners
- Maxie set up Lucas with a Deception model
- Cody and Molly's chem test continued when he followed her to the hospital roof in an attempt to apologize for being an asshole, but they (of course) ended up being stuck there, which ended when Cody took off his pants and threw them on the ground near Lucas and Isaiah
- Chase asked Elizabeth if she heard Jason threaten Cyrus at Charlie's, and she totally lied in that charming Elizabeth way
- Nina and Sonny actually had a scene together
- Lulu went to Charlie's to apologize to Kristina for Sam's death, and then asked Kristina to tell her stories about Sam so she could properly honor her loss
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