If you've been reading this column for any significant length of time, you know I have no problem talking at length about soaps. Some editions of Critical Diagnosis are easier to write than others, however, and on this particular afternoon, I'm feeling the struggle. But a stubborn muse isn't enough to keep me from my regularly appointed rounds, so let's just jump in together and see what happens, shall we?
Baby Blues, Cont'd
There are currently roughly 20 people living at the Quartermaine mansion, and at any given moment lately, it seems like at least half of them are talking about pregnancies. The big news around the house — and Port Charles at large — is not only that Sasha has a bun in the oven, but that Jason is supposedly the baby's father.
As you no doubt recall, this rumor got started courtesy of Cody, who is canonically in his 40s but has the emotional maturity of a gossipy middle schooler. His loose lips sent aftershocks throughout Port Charles last week, starting when Maxie met Sasha at the Surf Lodge and told her what she'd heard. Emma, who happened to be within earshot, went straight to Gio, who tried talking her out of believing it; as he told her, he was there when Sasha announced her pregnancy to the Quartermaines, and he noticed Jason's complete non-reaction. Unswayed, Emma insisted she needed to tell Anna, who would in turn tell Robert.
(Given that Cody already went to Anna with this, specifically in the hopes that she'd tell Robert, I can't think of any good reasons for this Emma/Gio conversation to take place. It feels a lot like the show is braiding Sasha's pregnancy into the story of Brook Lynn secretly being Gio's mom, and it's making me nervous.)
Emma wasn't Sasha's biggest problem last week, however. That honor fell to Drew, who was schmoozing at the Metro Court restaurant on Tuesday when Carly stepped out of the elevator and loudly confronted him for having sex with Willow at the gatehouse. For once in her life, Carly was justified in trying to shame someone — not only because Drew and Willow hooking up is gross, but because he ignored Monica barring him from the grounds, using his Navy training to scurry away from Yuri and hop the fence for a little afternoon delight.
Of course, while Carly is a loudmouth and a hypocrite, she's no dummy, so she should have known that this version of Drew is incapable of being shamed. Even in front of a crowded restaurant full of people he knows — including Brook Lynn, Tracy, Lucy, Maxie, Lulu, Anna, Sasha, and Felicia — his instinct was not to de-escalate, but instead to lash out. When Carly told him he isn't half the man that Jason is, Drew shouted that her beloved Jason "knocked up the family cook."
This marks the third time in recent memory that the writers have decided to go for a big reveal, and I'm not complaining at all — this kind of thing is obviously a lot more dramatic when it happens in front of a crowd, especially when Tracy's in it. It can be really satisfying to watch this type of scene even when everything else about the story is stupid, and that's definitely the case here. I know the GH writers are perpetually in love with repeating whatever bits of the show's past they can remember, but I don't think anyone was asking for another "Jason pretends to be the father" storyline — and it's even dumber in this case, because Sasha's entire rationale for keeping Michael out of the baby's life is that his relationship with Sonny makes him dangerous. I recognize that the legitimate options for someone to Jason to hook up with are extremely limited, but c'mon. And please don't tell me that whatever happens between Jason and Sasha will be used as the flimsy pretext for some kind of love triangle involving Anna.
I won't waste more time with complaining, but I will note once again that Jason's involvement in this storyline is further proof that the show had no real plan for the character when they brought him back. It's been fun watching him mix it up with the Quartermaines, but that's just because Jason Morgan has done, said, and worn the same things for the last 25 years, and any bit of novelty with him at this point is a thrill. As is the case with so many other corners of the GH canvas, there's still plenty of potential for excellence with Jason; the showrunners just need to stop circling back to the same old shit.
While Cody's been storming around town blabbing the news of Sasha's pregnancy to anyone who'll listen, he has remained entirely mum about Dante getting Brook Lynn pregnant while they were all at summer camp all those years ago — which is good for Brook Lynn, because after steeling herself to come clean with Chase and Dante, she has since decided that it's better for everyone if she stays quiet. This came as a relief to Lois, who went so far as to visit Martin, place him on retainer, and tell him the whole story — including the part about Brook Lynn and Gio living together at the mansion without knowing they're mother and son.
Of course, everyone watching knew there's absolutely no reason for Lois to hire a lawyer over this, and to the writers' credit, Martin told her as much (after taking her retainer fee, natch). She wanted to seal Gio's adoption record, but Martin pointed out that if Brook Lynn tries to get in touch with her child, the agency will be obligated to reach out to Gio and ask him if he wants to know his birth mother — which would be a shock to Gio, because he doesn't even know he was adopted. It was a fairly pointless conversation, in other words, but I'm not complaining, because Michael E. Knight is great at mixing it up with everyone on the show, especially Jane Elliot.
Speaking of which, Lois and Martin's conversation was interrupted when Tracy barged into his hotel room, all fired up about Willow leaving the gatehouse and moving back to Nina's apartment with the kids. Tracy is shrewd as hell and Martin has already been proven to be extremely unreliable with sensitive information; if Tracy ends up being the one to discover that Gio is Brook Lynn's kid, this will also go on the list of things I'm not complaining about.
Trina Deserves Better, Cont'd
This is going to be brief, because there really isn't much going on with this storyline — but that's also why I'm giving it its own section.
Trina Robinson has been on the canvas for close to a decade. During that time, she's proven time and again to be a reliably dynamic character, and one who can be used to move exciting stories. But for a year and counting, she's been given barely anything to do, and she's currently being wasted as a hand-wringing Florence Nightingale to a college football player she just met a few weeks ago. I've got nothing against the character of Kai, and I also support Trina's right to find a new love after mourning Spencer (mostly offscreen) for a year, but this should really be a backup story for her — a way to wind down between more interesting capers. Wubs has been advocating for a Trina story involving Ava's gallery, which is a fantastic idea, not to mention one that makes all kinds of sense; instead, we're left watching her flutter around the hospital hallways while she supports Kai, asks Curtis to give him a magical Ashford pep talk, and takes guff from one of Kai's teammates.
This is not riveting stuff, and it's easily twice as irritating given that it's happening while Joss is being secretly recruited by the WSB. It's a horrible look for the show, particularly during Black History Month, and especially with the looming debut of Beyond the Gates. With Trina, Curtis, Stella, and Portia all involved, it really feels like the writers thought they could just come up with some weak reason to cluster most of the show's Black characters together and call it a day. They were wrong. I know Tabyana Ali has other stuff going on in her career; if this goes on much longer, I won't be surprised if she becomes the latest actor to opt out when their contract comes up for renewal.
The Part of Jack Brennan Will Now Be Played by Chris McKenna
Speaking of actors opting out, let's talk for a minute about the big GH news from last week: Charles Mesure has reportedly decided of his own accord to take a hike, leaving the show in need of a new actor to play the dashing Australian WSB agent. Their solution? New York native Chris McKenna, who made his bones by playing Joey Buchanan on One Life to Live before Nathan Fillion showed up to finally make the character the slightest bit interesting.
Does McKenna have an Australian accent? Not on your life. Did the show do anything to help cushion the blow? Also no, but in fairness, there really wasn't much they could have done; Mesure may have had issues with the pace of daytime, but he was never anything less than dashing as Brennan, whereas McKenna's version of the character — at least so far — has much more of a "middle manager at a Cedar Rapids insurance company" sort of vibe. Best to just rip off the Band-Aid.
So rip it off they did, introducing us to the new Brennan as he flew back from Baden-Baden with Carly, listlessly flirting with her as they waited for the plane to land and sipped from mugs emblazoned with the logo for "Valenti Airlines." (Okay, Frank.) Before the flight touched down, Brennan got a call from Colette, who told him she'd found something he needed to see; later, she showed him a house in the woods that she said was being used as some sort of base of operations by Cyrus. Rather than letting themselves in, Brennan told Colette to leave the place alone in the hopes that their "special project" — a.k.a. Josslyn Jacks — would find it on her own.
This is, oh my god, so stupid. If you care about the PCPD on GH, it's insulting because we know Anna has been looking at Cyrus as a person of interest for weeks, and the police should definitely have figured out that he's been sneaking off to the woods on a regular basis. If you care about the WSB, then it's insulting because we've seen Frisco and Dante join the Bureau after proving their worth as cops, and then leave Port Charles for extensive training. A part-time BLT slinger/lifeguard who's majoring in environmental science and is barely old enough to order a drink should absolutely not be anywhere near Brennan's radar, and yet here we are, forced to watch him huddle with Joss at Bobbie's and not-so-subtly nudge her toward the idea that Cyrus might be storing his major crime stuff at a secret location.
And why was Joss looking for a secret hideout? Well, because she tricked Cyrus' super into letting her into his apartment — unsupervised! — so she could root around in search of evidence that he murdered Dex. She found bupkis, but did so in such sloppy fashion that it took Cyrus less than five minutes to realize someone had let themselves into his place. Fortunately for the heavily plot-armored Ms. Jacks, Cyrus doesn't suspect her yet; instead, his suspicions are wholly focused on Elizabeth.
Not that Elizabeth is less of a threat to Cyrus. In fact, she's been pursuing her own investigation into Mr. Renault. She's supposedly being assisted by Lucky — or Lucky's leading the investigation, depending on whether or not you're asking him — but he spent most of last week babbling about his time in captivity at Sidwell's compound, suggesting that Luke reached out from beyond the grave to give him poker ESP so he could win every single hand in spite of his exhaustion. And then he told her about his vision of her in his cell, and they danced, and I wanted to throw up or die until Ric blessedly showed up to interrupt and tell Elizabeth he got her job back.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Cyrus. Elizabeth is definitely on his trail — up to and including phoning survivors of deceased Turning Woods patients who were on Cyrus' rounds, which seems like an enormous no-no — and he has his eye on her, especially now that he's been barred from visiting patients at Turning Woods. His final appearance last week came as he was standing on the other side of the nurses' station at GH, giving an oblivious Elizabeth the evil eye. Joss, meanwhile, justified Brennan's preposterous faith in her by remembering that Austin existed, and then asking Brennan to look into whether Austin purchased any real estate around the time Cyrus was released from prison.
Meanwhile, Dante spent last week wandering around town and bemoaning the fact that he's been barred from the investigation into Sam's murder, even going so far as to pressure Chase for information while pinky-swearing he wouldn't do anything with it. Chase, ever the lovable doofus, told Dante that Cyrus is the department's main suspect — all while Rocco, who can apparently never have a scene that doesn't call for him to stare in open-mouthed, wide-eyed wonder, overheard. It took all of ten minutes for him to spill those beans to Danny.
Meanwhile, Lucky's big plan is to frame Cyrus for a parole violation.
The final brick in our road to a good old-fashioned whodunnit was plopped down when Cyrus made the mistake of saying hello to Lulu at Bobbie's, only to be confronted with her overwhelming disdain. Given the shitty week he'd had to that point, it's perhaps understandable that he snapped at her, growling that "no one has done for you what I have" before stalking out. This clearly isn't a thread we're meant to tug too vigorously on at this point — Cyrus presumably tampered with Lulu's ventilator, and then tried shipping her south without Laura's consent, so he obviously doesn't have her best interests at heart — but for the moment, it's clear that the wagons are circling around Cyrus. He was once a fearsome drug lord and now he's a feeble, Bible-thumping angel of death; however his inevitable end happens, it'll be an ignominious one for a character who was once a legitimately powerful villain.
Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout Sidwell
As the wagons circle around Cyrus, Port Charles finds itself in need of another big bad — and right on cue, here's Sidwell, who's been putting on a charm offensive among the town's upper crust even as his enemies align against him. We've got Laura, who's rightly pissed that the diminutive importer held her son hostage; we've got Isaiah and Lucky, who both suffered Sidwell's wrath and are equally unamused about his arrival in town; we've got Jordan, who's eager to wear a wire while cozying up to Sidwell; we've got Anna, who's perfectly willing to let Jordan go undercover. Aside from Lucy and Ava — both of whom got a taste of that sweet Sidwell cash — the only person willing to tolerate the man's presence is the equally odious Drew, who met with him at Cafe Cherie and listened while he suggested using eminent domain to take Pier 55 from Sonny and move the esplanade project there.
So far, the only thing I find interesting about Sidwell is the fact that he sent a tail to California after Sonny and Natalia — but rather than following Sonny, he was really keeping an eye on Natalia. I'm pretty sure that whatever happens next will have to hinge on the silliest of coincidences and won't make any sense at all, but for the moment, I'm just happy that the latest criminal to make his way to Port Charles seems to be interested in someone other than Sonny. If he turns out to be Natalia's ex-husband, trust me, I'll have plenty of hurtful things to say about it, but in the meantime, I'm provisionally curious.
Drew Sucks, Cont'd
I'm sticking this at the end because it didn't really fit with the stuff about Drew telling everyone about Jason and Sasha, and it's too much for a bullet, but it feels significant, if only because I feel like the writers are doing their darndest to turn Drew into the biggest creep since Pierce Dorman. Here's a short list of the slimy stuff he was up to last week:
- Tried to get Selina to give him dirt on Curtis
- Threatened Cody, who quipped "Or what? Are you gonna raise my taxes?"
- Infuriated Sasha
- Bought a big house with every intention of moving Willow and her kids into it
- Asked Maxie for help decorating said house
- Threatened Nina with the possibility of moving Willow and the kids to D.C.
Boy, what a jackass. Now for your traditional column-concluding bullets!
- Sasha reamed Cody for blabbing about her pregnancy, but neglected to tell anyone that Jason is not the father
- Brad confronted Cyrus at GH; in response, Cyrus called Brad a baby-stealer
- Tracy offered Sasha her full support, but warned her that the "baby daddy speculation" would get old real quick, and she needs a gameplan
- Lucas cautioned Carly against dating Brennan, pointing out that she's already tried to build a relationship with a man whose life is build on violent secrets and lies
- Cody and Molly were chem-tested some more
- Curtis noticed Portia giving Brad preferential treatment, and became suspicious
- Nina reached out to Carly in a bid to team up against Drew
- Sonny's doctor told him (offscreen) that he needs a pacemaker, but Sonny isn't willing to undergo the procedure until after he figures out who bombed his penthouse
- Lulu intends to find Charlotte by stalking horse girls on Instagram
- TJ has been completely forgotten
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