Hello again, friends! Last week brought us a pretty decent batch of General Hospital episodes, although I still feel like this show isn't operating with the level of can't-miss-a-day urgency it should be hitting in order to entice viewers while Beyond the Gates gets established. Much as I appreciate the traditional Quartermaine dynamics, I'm not sure this is the time for Bingo games in the kitchen; instead, I think GH should be focused on high-stakes drama and romance, with every episode ending on a cliffhanger or a twist. Initial ratings reports seem to suggest that the status quo is being maintained in terms of viewership, and the brass seem to be fine with that, but I can't imagine why. First of all, the ratings have been dismal for months; second, at a time when daytime drama is actually getting some attention from mainstream media outlets, it'd be to everyone's benefit if GH took advantage by reminding everyone just how addictive these shows can be when they're really running smoothly.
Again, the status quo seems to be acceptable for the powers that be, and I suppose this makes sense from a certain point of view. I watch the show on Hulu, where it regularly ranks among the platform's top 15 titles, and that has to feel like a win when your show is as budget-starved as GH. On the other hand, budget is really only part of the problem — and not the biggest part, either. Daytime's deepening, decades-long doldrums have really been highlighted by how unapologetically soapy Gates is, and that's the type of thing that depends more on writing. I'm the millionth person to say this for the millionth time, but what these shows really need isn't nicer sets or lavish location shoots; it's fresh stories that are told from fresh perspectives while honoring the deep history they've built up. Rather than asking whether Beyond the Gates can revive daytime, I wish mainstream culture writers were telling their readers how great the competition can be.
That kind of coverage has to be earned, though — and I don't know about the other soaps, but GH isn't there yet.
How Much Haven't You Told Me About My Baby?
The big story last week was the secret of Brook Lynn's baby, and once again, I'm glad for the forward movement, if only because it points the way toward a time when all this retcon-dependent silliness will finally fade into the background. For the moment, however, I can also be glad for the fact that it's giving Amanda Setton some real material to work with: Monday's confrontation between Brook Lynn and Lulu served as a wonderful reminder that she's capable of a lot more than saying "Ma" and modeling the latest fashions from Ann Taylor. (Lulu, on the other hand, remains consistently irritating no matter where she is or what she's doing.)
As we all assumed would happen, Lulu blustered in threatening to blow the lid off Brook Lynn's secret, but by the time they were finished sniping at each other, she agreed she'd keep her mouth shut — albeit with a warning. On her way out, Lulu reminded Brook Lynn that she never would have known about the adoption if Lois hadn't met with Martin, which is a statement that is factually accurate, but conveniently ignores the fact that Lulu also never would have known if she hadn't broken into Martin's hotel room and illegally rifled through his records.
One presumes Brook Lynn also had this thought, but rather than quibbling, she immediately texted Lois, and then lit into her when she showed up. Unfortunately for her, before she could really get started, Gloria also showed up — and quickly made it apparent that she was also aware of Brook Lynn's secret child.
What happened next was honestly a little tiresome — I'm always going to roll my eyes at any conversation that begins with "What in the Bensonhurst is goin' on here?" — but I also understand that this is the writers struggling to work with the mess they made. Lois knew about Brook Lynn's baby because Brook Lynn needed a talk-to during the weeks she struggled with whether to tell Chase; now that Chase knows, Lois needs a talk-to, and Gloria is a more sensible short-term solution than Martin ever was. Whatever; all you need to know is that in the end, Gloria forcefully told Lois that Brook Lynn can never know that she's unwittingly living in the same mansion as her adult son.
Meanwhile, Gio is everywhere. On Monday, he was one of nine characters who showed up at the Quartermaine crypt when Drew tried to have it seized by the city. Emma helped cut him off at the knees by live-streaming the conflict, but Tracy still ended up being arrested after she foolishly slapped the surveyor's wheel out of his hand, which meant that Gio volunteered to sit in a lawn chair and stand guard outside the crypt overnight in order to make sure Drew didn't send anyone to… re-seize it, I guess? I'm really not sure.
Tracy's latest arrest was mildly worthwhile in that it led to some entertainingly rude repartee between her and Drew, but none of it really led anywhere. Laura convinced Drew to talk to the surveyor and have him drop the charges, but later, Drew vowed to Martin that he'd "break" Tracy; meanwhile, Tracy scoffed at the idea of Drew posing a meaningful challenge, and told Laura she wanted him to "bring it on."
Congressman Cutthroat
Of course, Tracy is far from the only person in Port Charles who's had it with Drew. In fact, it's abundantly obvious that the show is teasing a whodunnit murder mystery involving the corpse of the most haphazardly written Quartermaine — as spoken aloud by Ava, who tried to comfort Portia by telling her that Drew would probably be "taken care of" by one of his many powerful enemies long before he has a chance to out her for tampering with Heather's test results.
Portia started the week in Drew's crosshairs because Curtis commissioned an Invader hit piece on "Congressman Cutthroat," which is exactly the kind of thing Drew blackmailed her into preventing. Portia played it off, however, assuring Drew that Curtis had nothing to do with the article; in response, Drew told her he wanted to hold a press conference announcing his pediatric sports program, with Portia standing by his side and coverage of the event coming exclusively from Aurora.
Curtis was understandably suspicious, but ultimately decided it would be worth Aurora's while to cover a press conference announcing a pediatric sports program, even if said program was being spearheaded by the dick who tried to ice him out of the CEO position, so Portia was spared being exposed, and lives to hyperventilate another day. I don't like any of this, because Curtis in "fuck Drew" mode is a lot more entertaining than Curtis in "how dare someone LIE TO ME" mode, and I'm really not looking forward to the inevitable moment when Curtis finds out that Portia is being blackmailed by the town pariah.
As I said a week or two ago, I'm also not wild about the anvils that are being dropped regarding a Drew murder mystery. I hate the current version of Drew as much as anybody, but we've seen enough Quartermaines die over the last 20 years or so, and I'm not eager to lose another one — particularly one who's been so chaotically written that he could easily be reset and used to serve purposes far more interesting than the ones he's currently fulfilling. Put another way: A living Drew has far more narrative utility than a dead one. I don't know if Cameron Mathison is capable of unlocking Drew's potential, even with better writing — he's currently doing absolutely nothing to bring any depth to his character's descent into cartoon villainy — but killing him off still seems like a waste.
Papa!
Those of us who've been waiting for Charlotte to make her way home — and therefore bring an overdue but still merciful end to Lulu's weeks of wailing about finding her daughter by any means necessary — had something to smile about last week, when Anna and Jason took a quick trip to Buenos Aires, immediately found Valentin and Charlotte, and were able to whisk her back to Port Charles on a private jet with minimal fuss. (There were a couple of WSB agents on site to try and murder Valentin, but Anna and Jason knocked them out in a matter of seconds.)
Why were they so easy to find? Well, turns out Valentin is really the one who texted Rocco. After the incident in Prague, he started thinking about how much Charlotte needs a stable home, so he used her phone to pretend to be her, counting on Rocco to tattle and send someone running to get her. If this strikes you as unnecessarily complicated, you aren't alone; on the other hand, if Anna and Jason hadn't had to run off to Buenos Aires, we wouldn't have been treated to the sight of Carly's old house repurposed as some sort of semi-abandoned Argentinian villa.
Anyway, Charlotte didn't want to leave her beloved Papa, but she agreed to anyway, and even managed to give Anna a bit of grace after a stern talking-to from Jason. She landed safely, was reunited with Lulu, and even got to see Laura, Dante, and Rocco before the end of the week. Happily ever after, right?
Well. Almost. The last thing we saw before Friday's closing credits was Valentin lurking around the corner from Brennan's hotel room. This is one of those GH twists that's exciting in the moment, but unintentionally funny if you think about it — how in the hell is an international fugitive traipsing around the hallways of a five-star hotel? — but it points the way toward the next chapter of Valentin's arc, which got more complicated when the WSB goons in Buenos Aires told Anna and Jason that Brennan wasn't in charge of the op that sent them after Valentin. We already heard Brennan tell Carly that he put out a kill order on Valentin, so I don't understand the reasoning behind that little curveball, but I guess we'll find out soon enough.
(What we aren't going to find out is why Brennan is still living at the Metro Court. It's been like a year since he was appointed head of the WSB's Port Charles office; there's no way the Bureau is paying that bill at this point. Robert and Anna have made enough disparaging remarks about WSB pay over the years to make it extremely unlikely that someone in Brennan's position would be able to afford living at the hotel, so… what gives?)
- Isaiah told Jordan he's willing to go along with her investigation of Sidwell if it means they can be together
- Maxie told Dante that Lulu is still in love with him
- Sasha rejected Carly's job offer, saying she's decided to remain with the Quartermaines
- Cynthia Watros and Maura West tried in vain to cover for Guy Gansert's absolute lack of acting talent
- Carly told Nina that they need to set their plan in motion ASAP, and plant evidence against Drew if necessary
- Elizabeth and Lucky spent an evening trying to have sex, only to be continually interrupted by Carly, Aiden, Laura, and Ric
- Ric and Ava infuriated Kristina by canceling her trip to the ballet with Avery
- Willow and Sasha traded insults
- Brennan told Jordan that Sidwell's product is mainly used for making weapons
- After throwing Brad out of his hotel room, Lucas went to the bar, got drunk, and made a new friend named Marco
- Kristina tried to trick Sonny into believing Isaiah gave her information regarding his medical condition; after getting caught, she volunteered Isaiah to give Rocco a ride home
- Sonny came clean with Kristina, telling her there's a problem with his heart
- Ava threw a surprise birthday party for Trina, and her gift from Emma was a copy of the book Spencer gave her, which prompted her to sneak out of the party, go home, and think about Spencer
- Brennan and Carly had sex
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