I still don't think General Hospital is doing itself many favors with its current crop of storylines in the face of fresh competition from Beyond the Gates, but if nothing else, last week was at least eventful — and the flurry of activity offers hope that the stories we're currently thumb-twiddling through will be over, or at least on to their next chapters, very soon.
Let's dive in!
The Most Specialest Boy in the World
The "Gio is secretly Brook Lynn and Dante's son" story is ungood. Gio as a character, for the most part, has been woefully lame since his very first scene. We the viewers were unable to prevent all of this from happening, but there appears to be some light at the end of the tunnel: Gio was on four days last week, and his name was on everyone's lips whenever he wasn't around, which leads me to believe the secret will soon come to light and we'll be able to move on with our lives.
The main instigator in all of this progress was Lulu, who spent the entire week going places she wasn't supposed to and then yelling at people about the things she found or didn't find while she was there. On Monday, she leveraged Spinelli's magical hacking abilities to break into Valentin's house, believing she'd be able to turn up a lead where multiple law enforcement agencies had failed because she's Charlotte's mom. But before she and Spinelli could search the joint, they were interrupted by Lucy, Sonny, and Kristina, who were touring the house as a potential replacement for Sonny's recently exploded residence.
The conversation between those three was mostly inane — Kristina, ever chaotic, burst in yelling about how Sonny couldn't possibly be interested in buying Valentin's old house, only to turn around 30 seconds later and start mewing about how much Avery would love it — but it tipped Lulu off to the fact that the sale was being facilitated on Valentin's side by Martin, which got Lulu all fired up again about the idea that her uncle is keeping something from her regarding Valentin's whereabouts. So instead of searching the house, she hustled over to the Metro Court, where she stole a maid's outfit and master key, grabbed a pile of towels, and let herself into Martin's room.
Naturally, just as Lulu was about to step inside, she was caught by Maxie, who initially confused what she was seeing as some kind of sexy roleplay (which was kind of funny, TBH). After telling Maxie what she was really up to, Lulu darted inside Martin's room, telling Maxie to be her lookout — which led to Maxie blustering her way into an impromptu business meeting with Martin at the Metro Court restaurant, during which she hired him to join Deception's legal team and spilled wine on her blouse in order to give Lulu more time on the inside.
How the hell does any of this relate to Gio? Hang on, I'm getting there.
Lulu didn't find anything about Valentin or Charlotte in Martin's papers… but she did find his notes from his meetings with Lois, which helpfully spelled out everything about the connection between Brook Lynn, Dante, and Gio, including their names, as well as the fact that Dante is unaware that he fathered a child with her. And where did Lulu go after scurrying out of Martin's room? Straight to Carly. Why? I couldn't tell you. According to the words coming out of Lulu's mouth, it was because Gio is Sonny's grandchild, but I really think every time these two obnoxious hypocrites get together, it's mainly because the writers are trolling us.
Anyway, Carly was surprisingly mature for a change — in fact, she did her best to slow Lulu's roll, pointing out that multiple lives could be blown up if she told Dante what she knew. Carly also drew parallels that our self-appointed "historian" must have been proud of remembering — she pointed out that Bobbie gave her up for adoption, and recalled how she herself tried passing off Michael as Jason's son. By the end of the conversation, Lulu seemed to see the light, and told Carly that she'd keep her trap shut at least long enough to look in Dante's eyes.
She didn't promise Carly she wouldn't confront Brook Lynn, though — and a single snarky exchange in the foyer of the Quartermaine mansion was all it took to send Lulu stomping up the stairs to Brook Lynn's bedroom, where she spilled all the beans. Because Lulu was operating under the faulty assumption that Brook Lynn had been the one to meet with Martin, she ended up being the one to tell Brook Lynn that she and Dante had a son, which added another layer of hurt and surprise to Amanda Setton's performance, giving us a too-rare reminder of what she's capable of when she's given interesting material to work with.
There were plenty of opportunities for Lulu to give Brook Lynn some grace here, especially after Brook Lynn pointed out that Lulu went through a teen pregnancy of her own. Lulu being Lulu, however, those opportunities were ignored; by the end of their tête-à-tête in the closing moments of Friday's show, she flat out vowed that if Brook Lynn didn't tell Dante about their child, then she'd do it herself.
It's true that there are few things soapier than long-buried secrets coming to the surface, and it's also true that no matter how stupid a story might be at its foundational level, there's always some satisfaction to be derived from watching characters deal with the fallout. All that being said, I also believe that soap games of secrets and lies are more entertaining when the characters who are hiding and/or sharing them are knotted up in some sort of intractable conflict. Here, we've got that with Brook Lynn and Lois, both of whom feel like the truth has been buried for so long that it'd do more harm than good at this point — no matter how guilty they might feel about keeping it hidden. Lulu, however, has no such qualms; she's just barging in and bellowing demands, which is basically all she's done since waking up from her coma. She isn't conflicted about anything here — not even the fact that she illegally obtained the information she's holding over Brook Lynn's head, or that she worked Cody for further details after her little B&E. It adds an unnecessarily sour note to a story that was stupid to begin with, and casts a pall over the only part that has any real potential.
It's another unforced error on GH's part, but again, at least we can take comfort in how obviously the writers are pulling all the strands together, and doing it in a way that highlights the way Gio connects the Quartermaine and Corinthos clans. Yes, we've seen this dynamic play out before, but the details are different: Gio isn't a baby, and can't be used as a pawn the way Michael was; Gio also has real feelings of loyalty to both families, so he could get to play some internal conflict as well. (Giovanni Mazza might be ready to step up and hit those notes, too.) Last week, we got to see Tracy lay into Sonny for having the audacity to set up an education trust for Gio, and thereby beginning the inevitable process of anchoring another kid to his dirty money — here's hoping that's just the start of what could be a battle worth watching in the never-ending war between these families.
In the meantime, one last note: When Lois rushed to Martin's hotel room and begged for the papers he'd kept from their meetings, he clearly saw that those papers had been tampered with. It'll be interesting to see how quickly he puts two and two together, remembers that he saw Maxie outside his door, and realizes that Lulu has been snooping through his stuff.
You Take Something from Me, I Take Something from You
The other big developments last week revolved around Drew, who didn't take long to figure out that Curtis harpooned his appointment to the House appropriations committee. He confronted Curtis at the Metro Court restaurant, interrupting what was supposed to be a relaxing night out with Portia — and then he went to Selina, asking her if she might be able to dig up any dirt on his former friend. Selina replied that she had nothing on Curtis, but she could offer something that might be just as useful: Proof that Portia tampered with Heather's blood test for cobalt levels after her hip replacement.
With blackmail ammo in hand, and a quid pro quo freshly established with his least favorite mob boss's biggest competitor, Drew plopped his smarmy ass down in Portia's office, where he waited for her arrival and allowed her to get sassy with him before taking out the test results and dropping the hammer. We all know how Portia gets when she's in danger, and she stayed true to form after Drew left — she frantically reached out to Ava.
As Ava tends to do in these situations, she urged Portia to come clean with Curtis; as Ava's friends tend to do in these situations, Portia rejected that idea out of hand. Reaching for other answers, Ava suggested that Portia meet with Ric, in spite of the massive conflict of interest caused by the fact that he represented Heather after her hip replacement. Believing he was being offered a lucrative hospital case, Ric came running — and to his credit, he didn't even seem all that disappointed when Portia told him she needed him for personal reasons. After hearing about the details of Portia's plight, he told her to keep quiet with Curtis while she stalled Drew as long as possible by pretending to go along with his demands.
I'm not mad about any of this. It's true that Brook Kerr is sort of a one-note performer when Portia has her back against the wall, and I definitely feel like I've had enough of her hyperventilating about people she hates, but I also think this is the right way to drive an Aurora-related story. The writers stink when it comes to dreaming up most corporate espionage/intrigue stories, but when things are kept on a personal level — i.e. Curtis vs. Drew — the risk of them getting in over their heads goes way down. Aurora and Congress are just backdrops here, weapons to be used in a vendetta between two powerful men, and it should be fun to watch them slug it out. Well, at least until Curtis finds out Portia kept a secret from him and he gets all self-righteous again…
Is This a Dagger Which I See Before Me?
You know who else had a busy week? Sidwell, who started things off with a bang by waltzing into the Quartermaine kitchen and offering Sasha $250,000 to change her tune with the Deception ladies regarding the time he, y'know, kidnapped her and threatened to blow her up. Despite the fact that Sasha has loudly and repeatedly flown into a rage in response to Jason offering her money with no strings attached, she decided to take Sidwell up on his offer — an offer that was fortunately still on the table after Jason burst in, yoinked Sidwell away at gunpoint, and hauled him off to the pier so he could question him about Sonny's penthouse.
And here's where things get interesting.
Sidwell told Jason that he had nothing to do with the bombing, and asked — rather reasonably, I think — what he'd stand to gain from antagonizing Sonny in the first place. Jason replied that it wouldn't be the first time someone came to Port Charles thinking they could take Sonny down, which got an actual chortle out of me; later, Jason told Anna that he thinks Sidwell is telling the truth, and we all know that if Jason thinks something, he must be right.
So who did bomb Sonny's penthouse, and why is Sidwell in Port Charles?
We still don't have any clues with regards to the first question. But the second one got even more intriguing when Sidwell invited Alexis out to Wyndemere so he could give her something he said he'd found in the house, which turned out to be Helena's dagger. Alexis was understandably unnerved by this, especially since — as she told him — she'd personally tossed it in the harbor. She picked it up, said she knew it by its heft and could verify it was the same blade, but still wanted nothing to do with it; after setting it down, she left Wyndemere without looking back. Which is a shame, because after she left, Sidwell picked up the dagger with a napkin, obviously taking special care not to erase the prints Alexis had left.
I have no idea what's going on here, which is relatively rare where GH is concerned, so that's a big plus for me. I'm kind of iffy on the odds that whatever Sidwell's up to here will end up being totally worthwhile, but there's no reason to get pre-emptively pissy about things that haven't happened yet; for now, if Sidwell is truly not responsible for bombing Sonny's penthouse and he's plotting some sort of frame job against Alexis for indiscernible reasons, I'm fully ready to find out what his deal really is.
Oh, also, he had a brief conversation with Natalia. They bickered about being married years ago. No one cares.
Fair Winds
Finally, I need to devote a few sentences to Jason and Anna's next adventure, which got started after he grilled Sidwell on the docks. That conversation was interrupted when Anna showed up to remind both of them that she's having Sidwell monitored by the PCPD, so perhaps waving a gun in his face in public might be an extra double bad idea; when Sidwell quickly skedaddled onto the ferry to Wyndemere, Jason and Anna had their thousandth conversation about the hunt for Valentin and Charlotte, and the annoying fact that neither of them had been able to drum up a lead.
That changed when Jason got back to the Quartermaine mansion, arriving mere moments after Rocco told Danny he'd gotten a text from Charlotte in Buenos Aires. Danny needed all of two seconds to fold, telling Jason everything; Jason needed just as much time to haul it back out of the mansion, quickly meeting with Anna to tell her everything he knew. (Rocco was understandably furious with Danny, but their fight was smoothed over by their real dad, Dante.) Moments later, Brennan got a text from Colette, letting him know that their targets had been located in Buenos Aires and "assets are in route" (I guess Colette and/or the writers never learned that it's "en route.")
If this had happened the week before, I'd say that now we might finally be able to look forward to a time when we don't have to listen to Lulu badgering people about her missing daughter, but now that Lulu has her nose all up in Dante and Brook Lynn's business, she might have been ready to give us a break from that anyway. Still, just to be safe, let's bring that kid home — I don't know how much more I can take of Lulu's one-woman production of Not Without My Daughter.
Time for your bullets!
- Brad broke off a make-out session with Lucas so he could come clean about blackmailing Portia, and Lucas did not take it well
- Willow told Carly and Nina that she and the kids are moving in with Drew
- Anna asked Maxie to give Emma an internship at Deception, and Maxie said she wouldn't do it unless that's really what Emma wants
- Felicia saw Carly having dinner with Brennan, and did her best to interfere by calling Anna
- After a woman from Brennan's past interrupted their date, Carly told Brennan that their lifestyles are incompatible, and he wished her well
- James, who really needs his own show, broke his arm while sledding off the roof of his house
- After agreeing to be a part of Drew's new pediatric sports program (???), Kai signed James' cast
- Isaiah made Jordan lunch, after which they kissed; unfortunately, he followed that by trying to talk her out of going undercover against Sidwell, which pissed her off
- Ned sided with Tracy after she went off on Sonny, and asked Lois why she thought it was a good idea to further tie Gio to a mob boss
- Joss guest-starred on the worst episode of Alias
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