Greetings, fellow GH viewers! Apologies for another late column — I'm still in the thick of all the previously mentioned life stuff over there. It'll likely continue for another couple of weeks, but (hopefully) at a more manageable level. Fingers crossed. In the meantime, let's talk about what happened in Port Charles last week.
The Company We Keep
This is still mostly simmering on the back burner, but Anna and Laura's inappropriate friendships with Sonny continue to be a topic of conversation — and a source of professional risk for both of them, with Anna facing scrutiny from ADA Turner and Laura the subject of growing political pressure from Councilman Boyle.
GH has historically been pretty bad at building stories around local politics, and the way this one has come together thus far is about as silly as you'd expect. It's also upsetting to see Laura and Anna used as the voice of "yeah, but" where Sonny's concerned, while characters who haven't been on the show half as long stand around and wonder why these two have allowed themselves to be compromised. That being said, I can't complain about this too much, because I've spent YEARS loudly advocating for Sonny to be treated like the criminal he is. I hate that Laura and Anna are friendly with him, particularly in their current jobs, but that's the way they've been written — and the silver lining is that as a result, Laura and Anna seem poised to be at the center of a story that's long overdue.
Of course, GH has walked us up to the brink of Sonny retiring from the mob more than once. I'm not saying this time will be any different, but it could be. Maurice Benard is in his 60s, Sonny and Jason keep talking about an exit strategy, and there are anvils swinging in the breeze regarding Morgan potentially being the one behind the firebombing of the Corinthos bachelor pad. If anything is ever going to drive his musty old ass out of wannabe Godfather territory, this combination of factors might be it.
And honestly, if we are going to see a Sonny who isn't screaming "son of a bitch" and threatening to kill people all the time, I'd rather see it happen because of something like this, you know? Sonny and Jason "action scenes" are downright embarrassing at this point, so I have no interest in watching the Corinthos empire blow up in a blaze of glory. I'd rather watch various citizens of Port Charles finally just get tired of his self-righteous shtick, start applying pressure to his powerful friends, and make it impossible for him to do business. Being targeted for death by his own son would just be the icing on the cake.
Obviously, that's all conjecture at this point. What we know right now is that Turner and Boyle are putting the screws to Anna and Laura, and for the moment, Laura is planning to dodge Boyle's attack by putting the location of the McConkey Esplanade up to a public vote. If the people decide they'd rather have it near Pier 55, then she'll be able to prove — ostensibly, anyway — that she isn't favoring the local mob boss.
Now, Now, Uncle Ric. Let's Not Be So Hasty
Sonny and Jason's entire deal is played out no matter how the show tries to frame it. But Ric and Ava? Now that's a pairing I can get behind — and one the show seems desperate to avoid taking full advantage of, presumably because Rick Hearst's future with GH always seems sort of nebulous. I wish these two had been getting up to no good together for the last six months, but better late than never; in the aftermath of the car crash that put him and Elizabeth in the hospital, he and Ava are finally putting their heads together for devious kicks.
As I predicted in my previous column, it took basically no time at all for Ava and Ric to figure out that Kristina was responsible for the crash — a suspicion confirmed by security camera footage from the apartment garage. Ric wanted very much to call the cops, but it didn't take long for Ava to talk him out of it. Her real motive — as he almost instantly sussed out — was purely selfish: She wants to take the opportunity to blackmail Alexis in order to claw back some of the money that the Cassadine estate stole from her divorce settlement with Nikolas. If Ava makes money, then Ric gets some too, but that isn't the only reason he agreed to go along with her scheme — he also didn't love the thought of what it would do to Molly if he sent Kristina to prison.
With Ric's blessing, Ava sashayed over to Alexis' office, where she made it clear that Kristina's chaotic ass was completely on the line. Alexis tried fighting back, but Ava batted those feeble attempts away in delightful fashion. Here's another missed opportunity: The show has established that Ava and Alexis hate each other, and the actors playing those characters are two of the best in the cast, so why have they engaged so infrequently since starting their feud? They've got family ties and real reasons to beef — this could be a real Viki and Dorian dynamic, if only the writers consistently gave a shit.
Personally, I'd love to see Ava soak the Cassadines for millions, using Alexis as her unwilling pawn, but I'm not sure we're going to get that. After Ava gave Alexis until the following morning to play ball, Alexis went to Diane — and Diane told her to have Kristina committed in order to stave off any serious legal jeopardy. Because ABC daytime has had a persistent hard-on for women in mental institutions for as long as I can remember, I'd be willing to bet that there will be little to no blackmail here, which strikes me as a waste — but if it means Kristina's obnoxious ass goes away for at least a little while, maybe it's a win for all concerned.
As for Lucky? As predicted, he caved quickly, agreeing not to tell anyone that Kristina nearly murdered the woman he professes to love. All it took was Kristina pleading temporary insanity and predicting that losing her to prison so soon after losing Sam to death would destroy the Davis family. Gimme a break, you pathetic dirtbags.
Code of the Lollipop
While all that's going on, we've still got the loooooooooooong-running "Gio is secretly Brook Lynn and Dante's long-lost love child" story, perpetually threatening to boil over but never actually doing so. No real progress was made last week, in case you were wondering (and I sort of doubt you were): Brook Lynn made up with a back-from-Bensonhurst Lois, Dante and Lulu bickered, and Lulu told Cody she's still in love with Dante after Cody pledged to follow the "code of the lollipop," which is a skin-crawlingly stupid way of saying he promised to keep whatever she told him between the two of them.
That's really basically it. Meanwhile, Gio is mooning over Emma, who seems mildly into him, which requires the suspension of disbelief in a way GH has not dared to attempt since the days of Casey the Alien.
Everybody Hates Drew
Not much new to report on this front either, but I'll share the stuff that matters, which is basically this: Willow moved in with Drew, Carly got pissed about it, and Nina was alarmed enough about the (amusingly savage) stuff Carly said that she surreptitiously texted Jason, who showed up just in time to stop Carly from slapping Willow across her face. Jason then dragged Carly out of Drew's house, but not before she vowed to ensure that Michael got full custody of Wiley and Amelia with an agreement so unfavorable that Willow would never see either of them again.
Curtis, lest we forget, is also pissed at Drew — and mightily suspicious of Congressman Cain's offer to cover the cost of the experimental surgery that could put Kai back on the gridiron for PCU. Curtis and Trina have tried talking sense into Kai, to no avail; with those efforts so far coming to naught, it may fall to Portia to save the day by forcing Brad to pull all of Drew's medical records in order to expose… what, exactly? I really have no idea, but if I had to guess, I'd say something happened to Drew in prison that caused the abrupt personality change that turned him into the town's biggest asshole.
If that's the road the writers are going down, I think it's a mistake. Once the Jake Doe version of Jason Morgan became Drew Cain, the character lost all sense of purpose; you could see it in Billy Miller's performance, and you've sure as hell been able to see it in whatever Cameron Mathison thinks he's been doing since he made his debut. Prior to his abrupt heel turn, Drew was just another rich white dude taking up space on the canvas. He's a truly detestable character now, but at least he moves story; if his shitty behavior is ultimately chalked up to a medical condition, then I don't know where that leaves him, but I strongly suspect it's nowhere interesting.
Those are the big plot points. Now it's time for your bullets!
Joss got her first assignment, which is to cozy up to Professor Dalton at PCU
Kai agreed to perform at the Nurses' Ball
After being more or less forced to do so by Kristina, Sonny told Dante about his upcoming heart surgery
Brennan had the line of the week when he told Carly, "Don't be so hard on yourself. You were recovering from polonium poisoning"
Sasha had the runner-up line of the week when she said Willow has gone from "Dawn of Day" to "Dawn of Drew"
Jordan and Laura hatched a plan to have Jordan fake-quit as deputy mayor so she can go work for Sidwell
Sidwell signed his deal with Deception, making him a part owner of the company and screwing Erica Kane out of the zincite everyone so desperately craves
Sonny saw Natalia talking to Sidwell, asked her how she knows him, and canceled their friendship when she confessed that they were married long ago
Danny made subpar cake pops for Scout
Anna got ahold of Emma's sealed arrest records, and discovered that the party that allegedly got her thrown out of college was really just a cover for a lab break-in meant to liberate animals
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