Under ordinary circumstances, I think we'd all agree that blackmail, alcohol poisoning, and long-hidden secret love children are the stuff of truly soapy drama. Unfortunately, I think most of us would also agree that General Hospital finds a way to fumble even the easiest of layups, and that's exactly what they're doing right now — the stuff I mentioned a couple of sentences ago is what's fueling most of what we're watching these days, and though it pains me to say this, I must: The show is rarely riveting.
I continue to watch because no matter how silly this show gets, the pieces are always waiting right there for the writers to click into place. And speaking of places, Port Charles is mine. I've checked out before, and I may yet do so again, but for the moment, I'm stubbornly tuning in, waiting for this regime to push past network notes and budget constraints to deliver the addictive melodrama we deserve.
My optimism is hard to kill, at least where GH is concerned. It was not rewarded last week, however.
The Devil We Know
For decades, I've viewed Sonny Corinthos as a dead-end character whose narrative possibilities have long since been played out. It's only recently, though, that I've felt like the writers agree with me. I have no idea whether they truly intend to have Sonny retire from the mob, but as I've said in previous columns, I'd rather see him walk away through a series of business decisions motivated by age and fatigue than be forced to watch Maurice Benard and Steve Burton huff and puff their way through hard-to-watch "action" scenes. On the other hand, GH has somehow found a way to make local politics even duller than people think it is in real life.
The bones of this story are firm enough. Laura, as mayor, should absolutely be held accountable for her long friendship with the town mob boss. Drew, who is a dick, should absolutely be using his political power to try and force Sonny out of town. And there should also be a local politician whose ambitions dovetail with Drew's personally motivated attacks on Sonny. When you throw in Sidwell, and have Jordan going undercover to bring him down from within, there's no reason — on paper, anyway — that this shouldn't be a classic soap storyline. If it is the fall of Sonny Corinthos, then it ought to be epic; if it isn't, then the show should be doing everything it can to keep us on the edge of our collective seat, wondering what'll happen next.
Instead, we just have people yammering on at length about stuff we already know, the rivalry between Laura and Ezra is a dud because he's such an obvious buffoon, and Drew is a disaster as a villain because he's so rarely written or played that way. Everything that's happening with the goddamn esplanade should be packed into a powder keg that could blow up numerous lives and shake up the canvas for years to come; instead, it all feels like interminable dithering.
Anyway, it was another week of people warning Laura she's in political danger because of her ties to Sonny, and another week of Laura telling anyone who'd listen that Sonny is good for Port Charles because he brings stability, blah blah blah. Sonny told her he's considering Sidwell's offer to purchase the piers, at which point she tried to talk him out of it on the grounds that it's his civic responsibility to remain the local mob boss. (He reminded her that the police exist.) It was also another week of Tracy sparring with Drew over their tenuous alliance, which was fun to watch if only because Jane Elliot is perfect; when Drew tried changing the terms of their deal to include him getting access to the mansion and grounds, she told him where to stick it and stalked off.
On Sonny's side of things, he got around to telling Jason he's considering Sidwell's offer. Jason also tried talking him out of it, arguing that while he'd also like to get out of the mob, he doesn't trust Sidwell and thinks the whole thing is a trap. In the end, they agreed that they need to determine whether Sidwell's behind the attempts on Sonny's life before they agree to the deal.
Oh, and Ned agreed to endorse Laura for mayor.
The Show Goes to Drewpiter, to Get More Stupider
There wasn't a ton of movement on the Drew front last week. He's still blackmailing Portia, who did her whole quivery crying thing while confiding to Ava that she hates Drew and she can't deal with this much longer. Once again, Ava recommended coming clean with Curtis, a suggestion Portia dismissed out of hand — but unbeknownst to her, Curtis spent the week putting two and two together and coming up with "my wife is being blackmailed."
Curtis first took this theory to Jordan, explaining that Portia has become a "Drew apologist," and he's become convinced that Drew must be holding something over her. Later in the week, he shared those concerns with Nina when she showed up at his office, demanding to know why Aurora was treating Drew with kid gloves. Curtis is usually Captain Self-Righteous during moments like these, but last week, all we saw was a guy coming to the dawning realization that the town's biggest sleazebag must have leverage over his wife — a thought so dark and disturbing that, by the end of Friday's episode, he was ready to get it all out in the open. He called Drew into his office, and immediately after Drew walked in, he came right out and said it: "You're blackmailing my wife."
We're still waiting to see how he'll respond to that, but I think we can safely assume the truth won't come out during that conversation.
When he wasn't threatening Portia or going after Sonny, Drew had his hands full with Willow's divorce from Michael, which shifted into active gear last week thanks to Carly's ridiculous (and likely illegal) decision to push through with proceedings despite Michael remaining laid up in a German burn clinic. With Martin out of town and Willow in need of a new lawyer, Drew made the admittedly brilliant call to bring in Ric, who told Nina he was interested in the gig mainly because he doesn't much care for Michael and it'd also be a great way of pissing off Sonny. Fair enough!
Because Drew is a pushy micromanager, he waited about five minutes before telling Ric that their strategy should rest on an effort to paint Michael as an absentee parent who pulled up stakes for another country without so much as a word to his wife about it. This is absurd, but no more so than the idea that Carly could ever represent her son in a custody trial without even bothering to tell him there was a court date. Diane warned Carly that her gambit could backfire by handing custody of the kids to Nina, but in a sane world, I feel like Carly would really be at risk of ending up in jail for misrepresentation or fraud.
We know that isn't going to happen. We don't know who the kids will end up with, but really, who cares? Their mother is shacking up with a creep and their father is perpetually an hour away from marrying his mother, so either way, those poor tykes lose. So does the audience, for that matter. As a daytime viewer of more than 40 years, I've been forced to bear witness to countless soap custody fights, and I can't remember a single one that's been less interesting or felt like it had lower stakes than this. It can't end fast enough. (And hey, maybe the end is actually in sight: Sonny ended the week by going to Willow and urging compromise between "cooler heads." Fingers crossed.)
Sappy Birthday
Speaking of stories that can't end fast enough, we got another heaping helping of "Gio is secretly Dante and Brook Lynn's son" last week. It started with Tracy finally confronting Lulu — and doing such a good job of arguing her case that she actually got Lulu to agree to drop her adoption story for the Llanview Banner. Unfortunately, the laws of nature prevent Tracy from coming to life, visiting the GH writers, and convincing them to drop this entire storyline.
So on and on it goes. Last week was Gio's birthday — even though he thinks it's June 4 — which meant we got a lot of Brook Lynn weeping about missing her son, and in between, lots of Lulu pushing ahead with her investigation despite Carly, of all people, warning her about "playing god" with other people's lives. Right now, the only person supporting Lulu is Cody, which is mildly poignant — as he told her, he was lied to about his parents for most of his life, which gives him a personal stake — but it's also a little sad, because Cody is so stupid that when Lulu told him she thought Dante and Brook Lynn's kid was living at the Quartermaines', his response was "Who is it?"
The one interesting development in this corner of the canvas came when Tracy summoned Jason to the Metro Court restaurant, where she offered to withdraw her support for Measure C if he agreed to find Brook Lynn's love child. Much as I dislike Jason continually being used as a one-size-fits-all problem-solver for everyone in Port Charles, these two don't interact enough, and having them work together could have been fun — but Jason, ever the spoilsport, refused to get involved, telling Tracy he'd need to get the request from Brook Lynn before he'd consider it.
I can only take solace in the fact that this story is chewing up so much screentime that it has GOT to be almost over. With the Nurses Ball right around the corner, I feel like the so-called big reveal is nearly upon us. With that hopeful thought in mind, here are your bullets! See you next week!
- Emma found out that Joss got the job as Dalton's research assistant and called her a "spoiled, selfish, and untrustworthy bitch"
- Joss and Vaughn, superspies, searched Dalton's office before realizing they wouldn't find anything until they got into his lab
- Anna rehearsed her Nurses Ball tango with Chase, reminding us all over again that Duke never should have been killed off (again) ten years ago
- Vernée Watson was wasted on a series of scenes about Kai wanting to get out of the hospital so he could watch Trina at the Nurses Ball
- Ezra angered Drew by intimating that Drew paid Jacinda to leave town; moments later, Ezra angered Laura by bringing up Rocco's drinking, and got a glass of water to the face in response
- Ric bought a Porsche
- Kristina told Dante that Alexis tried to have her committed, and Dante became the fifth or sixth person to react to this news with something less than surprise
- Spinelli found the storage facility where Ava had Ric's car towed after the accident, but when Alexis went there with a (presumably forged) warrant, all she found was a note asking her if she was looking for something
- Alexis and Lucky admitted they both know Kristina cut Ric's brakes, and Alexis told Lucky that she's being blackmailed by Ava and Ric
- Dante remained irrationally angry with Gio
- Gio stopped moping about Dante long enough to play violin while Donna danced
- After having an utterly pointless conversation with Willow, Isaiah was finally allowed to do something interesting when he overheard Portia telling Ava that her marriage will be over if Curtis finds out she lied to him again
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