Welp! It was nice while it lasted, but General Hospital's recent hot streak is officially over. While last week's episodes weren't the worst I can remember watching, they were also fairly uninspired; if you didn't watch, it'd be hard to argue you missed much.
That being said, it's worth reminding ourselves that this show produces hundreds of episodes a year, and there's always going to be an ebb and flow to the drama. I still think these writers need to do a better job of following the traditional "build to some sort of actual Friday cliffhanger" model, but now that they've finally shown us what they can do when they're firing on (almost) all cylinders, it's easier to hope they'll shift back into a higher gear before too long.
In the meantime, here's where things stand in Port Charles.
Professor Dalton vs. Those Meddling Kids
Now that Gio's big reveal and Sasha's pregnancy are behind us, it's time for the show to start hustling toward its next big storylines — including, unfortunately, the rampant silliness surrounding Dalton's secret project and Joss' absurd new career as a WSB agent. You can tell the writers are pleased with themselves simply based on the number of characters who've already been drawn into this dumb thing: Aside from Joss, who is no more convincing as Bureau material than she was as a tween, we also have Emma being wasted — and by extension Gio, who now knows Emma suspects the professor of experimenting on animals. And then there's Anna, who should be gearing up to take Dalton down all by her lonesome, but has instead been reduced to Concerned Grandma, and/or a glorified plot device whose presence in the story is being used to shape Joss and Vaughn's investigation. ("We can't let Emma get too close to Dalton, because then Anna will spook him! Golly!")
The net effect is that none of this feels like it has any real stakes. It's sweet that Gio wants to help Emma take Dalton down, and I do like them together, but the idea that a handful of college kids are needed to nab a guy whose research is important enough to attract the attention of the WSB is just offensively lame. I do think there's the germ of a fun idea here, and we definitely need the younger set involved in impactful storylines, but none of these kids have the background or apparent aptitude for this kind of thing. When Frisco got mixed up with the PCPD, and later the WSB, it made sense for the character; when Scott Clifton's Dillon got drawn into Luke's orbit, and found himself tempted toward a life of danger, it also made sense. Joss, on the other hand, has never been the adventuresome type — dumpster diving doesn't count — and we don't know enough about this version of Emma to feel all that differently about her.
And then there's Gio, who… can provide a live soundtrack to their stakeouts, I guess?
Anyway, Emma walked into Dalton's office while Joss and Vaughn were in there, and Vaughn grabbed Joss and started kissing her in order to keep Emma from noticing that Joss was cloning Dalton's phone, so now Joss and Vaughn have to pretend they're dating. You knew something like this would happen, and you don't need me to tell you that those two are obviously going to fall for each other. But before that happens, Vaughn has agreed to pretend to be a "true believer" in order to worm his way into whatever plans Emma has for Dalton's destruction; meanwhile, Emma has ramped up her efforts to lure Dalton into a Lolita-type relationship, although she's still too impatient to do much more than flirt for a few minutes before trying to get him to let her into his secret lab.
It's also softball season in PC again, which means it's time for lots of characters to stand around in the park and pretend to watch practices and games — including Emma and Gio, who were tossing a ball when a dog came up and stole Gio's glove. Emma is now on the hunt for the dog's owner, and has told Anna that if she can't find their home, she's going to keep it and name it Outback. This is a nice nod to history, and also, I suspect, the lead-in to the discovery that this dog is one of Dalton's lab animals. My most fervent hope right now is that the storyline takes an '80s kid movie pivot, and the dog turns out to have telepathy. As of right now, I remain aggressively indifferent to all of it.
The Ketamine Kronikles
Last week, we inched ever closer to the inevitable day when Tracy and Martin fall into bed together, with the two characters spending multiple days sparring over whether she could be strongarmed into issuing a public apology for doping Drew with ketamine. Of course, we all know — and so does Drew — that Tracy had nothing to do with it, but Drew and Martin feel like they have some cards to play, so they're really putting the screws to her in an attempt to force her to whitewash Drew's increasingly damaged reputation.
The way Drew and Martin see it, the quickest ticket to getting Drew back in the public's good graces — while simultaneously helping Willow's odds of getting Wiley and Amelia back from Michael — is to force Tracy to take responsibility for Drew's embarrassing K-hole. Given that Drew knows exactly who's really to blame, and that he knows exactly who they hired to do it, and that he has the resources to hunt down anyone in the world, one might assume he'd be more inclined to try and find Jacinda. But no: instead, we have Curtis hiring Felicia to find Jacinda so he can pay her to lie about what really happened, and at the same time, we have Drew pinning his hopes of public redemption on a gambit that depends on Tracy panicking and taking the blame for a crime she didn't commit.
This is sloppy storytelling. Drew knows Tracy well enough to know she's way too stubborn to go along with this, and again, he has more than enough money to hire an army of Felicias. It makes zero sense for him to leave Jacinda running around in parts unknown, but then again, a lot of Drew's behavior hasn't added up since he made his heel turn.
At the moment, the wild card in all of this is Michael. Curtis tried resigning from Aurora last week, telling Michael he didn't feel good about going along with Drew's demands for positive coverage in order to keep Portia safe, but Michael refused to accept, instead making it clear that he has Curtis' back no matter what. Later, he walked into the Quartermaine solarium while Curtis and Tracy were talking about her legal woes; after hearing them mention ketamine, he asked, "That's a horse anaesthetic, isn't it?" When next we saw them, they'd been joined by Martin, and both Curtis and Michael appeared to be pushing Tracy toward going along with Drew's demands. The week's "big cliffhanger" was Tracy telling Martin she'd perjure herself by showing up to a press conference and reading Martin's prepared statement.
There's got to be a fake-out on the horizon. I don't know what form it'll take, but the day Tracy is outfoxed by Drew is the day I start streaming old episodes of The Chew. Michael's question must have had some importance that's yet to be revealed, and I'm glad for that, because I'm really looking forward to watching Rory Gibson's version of the character butt heads with Drew. It's been days since Michael realized that Drew intentionally hurt Wiley, so when those two finally have it out, he'll have a full head of steam worked up. It should be a lot of fun to watch.
In the meantime, Drew has also convinced Willow that her best shot at a favorable visitation agreement is to marry him, which she has of course accepted, albeit from the depths of the glassy-eyed haze she's been in since losing custody of Wiley and Amelia. Is she in the midst of a mental breakdown? We're certainly meant to believe that's the case, given all the lurking someone has been doing around Daisy's nursery. As I mentioned in last week's column, ABC Daytime has aired countless stories about women driven mad by something to do with their men or their children, and I'm going to sigh a deep sigh if we find out Willow is lurking around Port Charles in a fugue state or she's developed DID. For now, I'm still very much hoping that this is another fake-out, and there's really another threat on the horizon. (This would be a good time to introduce the secret AJ love child I keep insisting has to exist, and have them take Daisy because Michael is a Corinthos-loving disappointment. Just saying.)
The latest wrinkle in the custody case is actually legitimately interesting, if only because I can't make heads or tails of it yet: Sidwell paid the judge to rule in favor of Michael. This guy is remarkably far up in everyone's business for someone who only came to Port Charles because Holly swindled him out of some diamonds, but he's also genuinely unpredictable, which is half of what makes him fun to watch. (The other half is Carlo Rota's performance, which continuously screams "I'm having the time of my life.")
What Do You Want with a Dead Woman?
Also gathering steam: The next phase of the war between Brook Lynn and Lulu, which escalated last week when Lulu finally pushed Brook Lynn far enough for Brook Lynn to sock Lulu in her smug jaw. Lulu was indignant, but Maxie told her she should have watched her mouth — and Lulu may come to agree with that, given that Brook Lynn later met with Marco, who she'd hired to put together a dossier on Britt.
Exactly what the hell is going on here is still extremely hazy, but the gist is that Brook Lynn remembers how Britt stole Lulu and Dante's embryo, implanted it in herself, and gave birth to a baby that she tried passing off as her own before the truth was revealed and Rocco was reunited with his biological parents. When Marco asked Brook Lynn why she was digging into all this, she told him that it'd prove Lulu isn't half the mother she pretends to be. The prevailing theory seems to be that Britt will not only turn out to be alive, but also turn out to be Rocco's real mom; needless to say, I think this is a very silly idea for a story. I don't mind Kelly Thiebaud, and I thought Britt could be a lot of fun, particularly during her last stint, but turning Rocco into her kid would be one retcon too far — especially since none of it would be Lulu's fault.
I'm withholding judgment for now, and unlike a lot of folks, I'm not preemptively pissed about Britt apparently returning from the dead. But boy do I hope the real storyline turns out to be a lot more creative than the one people think we're about to get.
I think that'll do it for the big stuff. Time to let the bullets fly!
- Carly gave Brennan a personalized wrench
- Gio overheard Carly telling Jason that Drew would never see Wiley or Amelia again
- Lulu apologized to Gio, who absolved her; later in their conversation, she inadvertently informed him that his birthday isn't the day he always thought it was
- Jason and Drew did some chest-bumping that amounted to nothing
- Anna locked Chase and Dante in a cell so they could work out their differences, and told another officer to hose them down if they got out of hand (they did not)
- Brennan told Anna that the contract killer who tried to kill Sonny in L.A. was someone well-known in the intelligence community, signaling that Sonny has pissed off someone with very dangerous connections
- Anna had a boot put on Dalton's car in order to get him into the PCPD
- Carly and Felicia both offered to have Sasha and Daisy live with them, but she decided to stay at the Quartermaine mansion
- Daisy was briefly switched out of her bassinet in the GH nursery, prompting Felicia and Lucas to launch an investigation that we heard nothing about for the rest of the week
- Isaiah has been reduced to "looking out for" Elizabeth and Lulu in Lucky's absence
- Elizabeth told Alexis she isn't interested in pursuing a lawsuit against the manufacturer of Ric's car, and just wants to put it all behind her
- After Alexis left, Elizabeth summoned Kristina, and told her she knows all about her botched attempt on Ava's life
- Bizarrely, Kristina said nothing about Ric and Ava blackmailing Alexis, nor did Elizabeth say anything about it to Ric when he stopped by
- Cody continued his charm offensive against Ava, much to Molly's visible irritation
- Curtis and Portia almost kissed, but he broke it off and said he isn't ready yet
- Jordan and Anna talked about how sometimes when your ex's current marriage is in trouble, you might be tempted to take advantage of the situation
- Kai found out he can't play football again, and was awkwardly sad or something
- Michael agreed to continue abiding by his initial agreement with Sasha, even though everyone knows he's the father and she's living with the Quartermaines
- Trina told multiple people how much she hates Drew
- Sonny rejected Sidwell's offer to purchase his piers
- Marco fretted to Lucas about how he's trying to keep Natalia safe from Turner and Sonny at the same time
- Drew offered Kai a paid internship with his office, which Kai initially turned down because he thought it'd mean moving to D.C.; after finding out that isn't the case, he accepted
- Michael visited the Metro Court pool, proudly displaying the flawless skin that you can only get from a burn clinic in Germany
- Turner is bad at softball
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