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Even General Hospital's best weeks include their share of subpar moments — and conversely, no matter how far the show might stumble, its off weeks usually contain enough interesting developments and welcome grace notes to justify hopes of a creative rebound. GH has been uninspired lately, but last week was a definite improvement over what we've been seeing, including one wonderful surprise that I suspect might double as a beloved character's farewell.
Let's dive in, shall we?
You Have No Idea What You've Done
We started the week with one whopper of a busy episode. I think we might have seen 25 characters and eight or nine locations? The main thing, though, was setting up Sonny's latest classless act: kidnapping Marco and preventing him from attending his mother's funeral in order to get back at Sidwell.
I ranted about all this in the previous column, so I'll spare you another in-depth round of Sonny Is the Worst and just share the facts. The morning of the service, Marco was visited by Alexis, who insisted that Sonny didn't kill Natalia — something she says she knows is true because family is so important to him. She's right about Natalia, of course, but her timing was still humorously off, because Sonny was mere moments away from putting the lie to his whole "code of honor" by having Jason yoink Marco and lock him in a room somewhere. Leverage thus obtained, Sonny oozed over to the church, where he told Sidwell that Marco wouldn't be in attendance at the funeral — and in fact, if he ever wanted to see his son again, he'd have to "clean up this political mess and then get the hell out of my way."
Sidwell's approach is to try and appear reasonable as long as it benefits him, and he was true to form here; rather than threatening violent reprisals, he pointed out that Sonny has decades of bad press shadowing him, so it isn't really reasonable to expect that Sidwell would be able to tilt the public's opinion against Measure C simply by pulling his support for it. (He also tried pointing the finger at Selina, which Sonny just laughed at, all of which makes me really wonder why the hell we had to lose her.)
Meanwhile, Lucas hadn't heard from Marco in hours, and when he knocked on the door of his Metro Court room and got no answer, he was freaked out enough to fetch Carly, who let him in. Immediately assuming Sonny had Marco, Lucas made a beeline for the church, but was stopped from entering the chapel by Jason. He tried pleading Marco's case, tried asking Jason if Marco was already dead, tried pointing out it's immoral to involve innocent people in a violent conflict — all to no avail, as Jason did what Jason does in these moments, which is stand still and say as little as possible. Lucas even tried reasoning with Sonny after he exited the chapel, but Sonny just brushed past him — at which point Lucas urged Sidwell to give Sonny whatever he wants in exchange for Marco's safety, and grew increasingly frustrated when Sidwell said he can't trust Sonny to follow through on his end of any bargain.
I've become a big fan of Van Hansis' take on Lucas, and he did rock solid work in these scenes; you not only felt the depth of his panic for Marco, but how scared he was to confront Jason, Sonny, and Sidwell. I don't know whose idea it was to show Lucas letting out a shuddery sigh after it was all over, but that person deserves a raise.
While all this was going on, Marco was busy trying to convince his captors to free him by appealing to their sense of self-interest, explaining that kidnapping him would only send Sidwell on a rampage. When that didn't work, he started yelling about being diabetic and needing medical attention — and when the Corinthos Coffee employee guarding the door decided to take Marco at his word, Marco brained him with a chair. For a few minutes, I was expecting Marco to stagger up to the church while Lucas was yelling at Jason and Sonny; unfortunately, the guy he hit must have had an extremely thick skull, because the next thing we saw was Marco tied to the chair and gagged.
And… that was Tuesday. Tuesday! There were a number of high-priority boxes that had to be checked elsewhere on the canvas last week, but still — this is yet another glaring example of the way inconsistent pacing undermines GH stories on a regular basis. Often, one of the main keys to a soap storyline's success is to keep things moving so quickly that the audience doesn't have time to think too critically about, say, the physical logistics of keeping a guy tied to a chair for days at a time. Given the near-impossibility of the things Sonny is demanding that Sidwell do, you'd think he'd have Marco posted up at one of his safe houses — or at least in the custom-built basement cell where Grant Putnam hid Anna for all those weeks in 1988. At least that place had a bathroom.
World Silliness Bureau
Sidwell's first priority is coming up with a plan to free Marco from Sonny's grasp, but that isn't the only item on his docket. Because Port Charles is the world capital of outlandish coincidences, he's also mixed up in the Dalton storyline, which is rapidly pulling in characters who deserve far better than being forced to pretend it makes any kind of sense for Josslyn to work for the WSB.
We already knew Sidwell was bankrolling Dalton's research; last week, we learned that they have a "mutual friend" who's also deeply invested in getting results, and said friend is unhappy about how quickly things are coming together. Sidwell warned Dalton that their friend would be sending someone to get answers, and there would be consequences if they weren't forthcoming. I think Dalton was concerned by this, but it's hard to tell; lately, he always looks like he's upset about something, but he can't remember what, or whose fault it is.
While Sidwell threatened Dalton, Anna ordered a background check on Vaughn, whose first name is apparently S, which goes roughly 200th on the list of silly things about this story. The results came back lickety-split, and as Anna told Felicia, they were too clean, which made her immediately suspect Vaughn's a spy. While that was going on, Vaughn and Joss were meeting with the increasingly irrelevant Brennan, who told them that the key to defusing Anna's suspicions was for the two of them to be the most convincing couple Port Charles has ever seen.
[Pinching bridge of nose, Jason-style]
Okay. So now Joss and Vaughn are officially a full-time fake couple, which means they can't go anywhere without pawing at each other, which I guess is what the show thinks we want to see? They dragged themselves away from one another long enough for Joss to meet Dalton at the Metro Court pool, where she answered his emails while he went for a swim. Aside from giving a lot of people an excuse to say cruel things about the appearance of an actor who definitely looks like a professor who's spent his life reading indoors, these scenes were chiefly intended to show Dalton making a drop for the courier that he and Sidwell's "mutual friend" sent for information.
GH has never really understood how to portray this type of thing, but this time, it was genuinely embarrassing, with Dalton and the courier exchanging the least subtle looks in history while Joss looked on. She was thwarted from dropping an AirTag-type device in the bag, but all was not lost; after the courier snatched the bag, Joss and Vaughn followed her to the Port Charles airport, where Vaughn pretended to accidentally bump into her and flirted with her while Joss finally dropped the AirTag into one of the bag's pockets.
After tricking the courier, Joss and Vaughn cuddled up next to each other on one of those torture-device airport bench seats, watching her movements as she boarded a flight to Paris. Mission accomplished! Or so they think, anyway — they're still blissfully unaware that Dante, who'd been brought into the loop by an increasingly suspicious Anna, was watching the whole thing unfold on airport security cameras. By the time Dante called Anna to tell her Vaughn is clearly a field agent, she'd already figured out that Joss had gone WSB.
Hello, Love
The entire time Sasha's been talking about needing to flee Port Charles in order to protect her baby, I've been under the assumption that she wasn't actually leaving leaving, but I was wrong — after saying goodbye to a few people, and after Michael got several big fat pats on the back from people for being willing to let his infant daughter leave town indefinitely, Sasha really did get on a private jet with Daisy (chaperoned by Jason, natch) to start her new life in another part of the world.
This was a surprise! Also a surprise: After Sasha, Daisy, and Jason touched down, they headed to a house, knocked on the door, and were greeted by none other than Sasha's hastily retconned father, beloved superspy Robert Xavier Scorpio.
Robert's return dovetailed with the extremely unwelcome announcement that his portrayer, Tristan Rogers, has been diagnosed with cancer. This wasn't exactly a surprise to anyone who watched any of Rogers' appearances on GH last year, during which time he appeared (and sounded) suddenly, exceedingly frail, but when I heard about his diagnosis, I figured we wouldn't be seeing Robert again anytime soon, if ever. His return last week was brief, and it involved a lot of Robert sitting down, as well as a lot of suspended disbelief with regards to the idea that he'd be able to do a single thing to guarantee anybody's safety — but if this is the way Scorpio goes out, then I'm still so glad we got to watch it. In spite of how clumsily GH has handled Robert at virtually every turn since he was revealed to be alive during that goddamn monkey virus storyline, he remains a cornerstone character, not to mention a welcome reminder of the days when the show still had good guys and bad guys, and the bad guys were never, ever the protagonists. Robert and Tristan have meant a lot to me over the 45 on-and-off years I've spent with the people of Port Charles. Even if I still think it's ridiculous that they made Sasha his daughter, I'm very happy that they made a little room for him here.
Mein Schnitzel
When one door closes, another opens — especially in Port Charles, where character exits often coincide eerily with arrivals and returns. Such was the case last week: As Sasha started her new life, everyone's favorite formerly Faison-obsessed doctor returned to town, summoned by the boy she once thought of as her own grandson.
Rocco and Obrecht's meeting at the Brando Corbin Memorial Coffee Shop was a lot of fun — sweet and funny in equal measure, with plenty of the witty asides our dear Liesl has long been known for. (Example: After Rocco told Obrecht that Jason was the one who'd given him a more charitable perspective on Britt, she cheerily chirped, "For someone with brain damage, that Jason is very wise.") To her credit, while Obrecht was fully forthcoming about Britt's past as well as her numerous mistakes, she wasn't just interested in talking about her late, lamented Liebchen; she also wanted to learn more about Rocco, although he stammered his way off to work before the conversation could get too deep.
Obrecht's welcome return is obviously keyed to whatever the hell the show thinks it's doing with Kelly Thiebaud, but she's wired into other parts of the canvas too — starting with Nina, who's been drifting on the sidelines way too much lately. After meeting with Rocco, Liesl let herself into Nina's office, gave her a big hug, and immediately started in on her for not being in better touch, which she said only happens when Nina's life is a mess. She didn't even have to ask why; she instantly zoomed in on Willow, saying "From what I gathered, your daughter's life has fallen apart in my absence."
Willow walked in just as Obrecht said that, which led to a (somewhat) gentle interrogation between the two of them, with Liesl questioning how in the world Willow lost custody of her kids, Willow blaming everything on Michael, and Nina biting her lip. When Willow bitterly lamented how unfair it is that Michael could have three kids at home but she has none (sucks to be you, Scout), Nina finally interjected, letting Willow know that Sasha left town with Daisy due to some "incidents" involving the baby. Obrecht was focused on Daisy, saying it was diabolical to use an infant to send a message, while Nina gave Michael grace, saying it was deeply painful for him to lose his child this way. Hearing this, Willow couldn't help but smirk. She wiped it off her face almost immediately, but Liesl saw — and when Willow tried to cover by hustling over to Nina's office bar and pouring herself a glass of water, Nina looked like she'd noticed something too.
As soon as Willow left, Liesl started in on Nina, talking about how they'd both seen the moment when a "devilish smile crossed her lips." Nina blamed Drew, saying his influence has changed Willow for the worse, and this was all Obrecht needed to hear before vowing that they needed to find a skeleton in Drew's closet and use it as leverage to tear them apart.
I love the idea of Obrecht going after Drew, but first things first: Willow's smirk was long overdue. As I've said here repeatedly, one of my biggest issues with Drew and Willow's heel turns is that they aren't played as villains; instead, they act like everyone's mad at them for falling in love, and they whine and cry about their pariah status while sinking deeper and deeper into bad behavior. I don't think we need any mustache-twirling, but at this point, it's long since been established that Drew in particular is an enormous asshole; rather than showing him as someone who genuinely believes he's the victim in every situation, it'd be much more entertaining if he seemed to get anything out of his various indiscretions on a personal level. Willow's little smirk is a step in the right direction — perhaps it won't be long before she and Drew finally, fully lean into their identities as the couple everyone loves to hate.
Back to Kelly Thiebaud real quick: Jason ended the week at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris. You may recall that this was where the courier was headed after she picked up Dalton's bag, but Jason didn't cross paths with her; instead, he happened to look up at just the right moment and see someone who looked an awful lot like Britt boarding a flight to Croatia. Here we go…
Drew Can Go Straight to Hell
Drew's latest gambit is to blackmail Portia into falsifying Michael's medical records so it looks like he's become an opioid addict. There's always some form of Drew-related blackmail going on these days — in fact, last week, Tracy blackmailed Nina into granting an anti-Sonny interview to the Port Charles Press in exchange for Tracy's silence about Nina and Drew's gross affair — but this particular one may have been a bridge too far for Portia.
After indulging in a tantrum that ended with her throwing one of her diplomas on the floor and screaming, Portia headed to Curtis' office, where she told him she was ready to confess to doctoring Heather's test results. He tried talking her out of it, arguing that it would hurt Trina, but Portia countered that at least Trina would see her mother standing up, reclaiming her power, and refusing to be small. When Curtis made a last-ditch effort to convince her that there might be another way, Portia reminded him that they're both smart people, but neither of them have been able to come up with a move that Drew couldn't counter.
Curtis was kind and complimentary toward Portia during these scenes, which I found interesting mainly because their conversation started with him noting she hadn't come home the night before. She told him she'd stayed at the hospital overnight, but the last time we saw Portia in the evening hours, she was chatting up Isaiah at the Brown Dog. It's always hard to tell where anything falls in the chaotic GH timeline, but it seems to me that there's at least a chance that Portia and Isaiah hooked up that night, and that'll be a time bomb waiting to go off as she and Curtis work their way toward a reconciliation.
You all know how I feel about the Curtis/Portia/Isaiah/Jordan quadrangle the show's been clumsily hinting at, so I won't launch into another tirade here. Instead, I'll just say that as lame as it is that GH is segregating its Black characters and disappearing its Asian ones, I'd much rather see Portia engage in an extramarital affair than see her murder Drew.
This take gets less popular every day, but I don't want to see anyone murder Drew, simply because we've had far too many Quartermaines die on this show over the last 25 years. I also don't think he's the type of villain who needs to die; better, I think, to have him come and go the way Tracy's done over the years, pursuing various nefarious agendas along the way. Hell, maybe he can be the one to find the long-lost, pissed-off secret son or daughter that I keep insisting AJ must have left behind.
Well, that's for a later date. For now, Drew has already gone to Willow and outlined his plan to defeat Michael in family court, although he stopped short of sharing specific details, or actually telling her that he's blackmailing Portia into breaking her oath and the law. When she finally finds out, here's hoping we see that "devilish grin" again.
That'll take care of the big stuff for now. Time for your bullets!
- Lucy (and only Lucy) showed up for Natalia's funeral, then disappeared for the rest of the week
- Isaiah forced Lucas and Willow to agree to play nice at work
- Rocco, clearly thinking of Britt, asked Sasha if babies know their mothers' voices
- Saying it doesn't feel like something Curtis would do, Alexis hired Lulu to investigate the anti-Sonny piece published in the Port Charles Press after Natalia died
- Emma told Danny and Rocco that she's trying to take down Dalton — and then she told them why
- Nina vowed to repay Tracy for blackmailing her into helping take Sonny down, muttering that she "messed with the wrong bitch"
- Trina told Kai she'll never forgive him for snuffing out Trina's spark
- Isaiah started to realize that Lucky's "gift" of the family cabin is actually a money pit
- Sonny and Nina shared some sweet moments while Nina told him Tracy blackmailed her into granting the unflattering interview
- Dante and Lulu had their 10,000th argument about Brook Lynn
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