There are weeks on this show when things happen, and there are weeks when people spend a lot of time talking about things that might or might not happen, and last week was mostly the latter. We did get a tidy, feelgood resolution to the Ronnie Bard saga — bye for now, Erika Slezak — but for the most part, if you didn't tune in, you didn't miss much. As a general rule, I think this is probably true of most weeks that include one of the weird-ass tie-ins the show is occasionally compelled to do, and this was no exception.
I'm not saying it was a bad week — some of the Ronnie-related stuff was actually moving, even if every minute of it went where you knew it'd go — but it definitely felt like a (hopefully brief) pause before the next wave of action, which seems like it'll tie together a few storyline strands in an attempt to finally drag all this "Faison's final project" business into its presumably climactic stage.
It's Tracy's House. Monica Gave It to Her
Again, there were no surprises here. Just when it looked like Ronnie was about to sign the house over to Drew, Tracy rushed in with Monica's real will and exposed the whole thing as a fraud. As it turned out, Ronnie had already torn up the papers, although we didn't know it because the writers made the strange decision to have her change of heart happen offscreen. Presumably to ramp up the drama? I don't know, and it seemed unnecessary, but it wasn't a big deal, because it was still satisfying to watch Martin's plan unravel in real time.
As you and everyone else correctly guessed, while Monica did leave Michael a bunch of stuff, she actually left the house to Tracy. Ronnie, much to her surprise, was left enough
Like I said last time, I'm not happy about how Martin was used as the out-and-out villain for this story. I think he's a character with some narrative utility, and Michael E. Knight is fun to watch, so I question the wisdom of painting him into such a dastardly corner. On the bright side, it doesn't seem like Martin's being written off; rather than pressing charges, Ned decided it'd be more painful to make Martin ask Laura to intercede on his behalf, which he did. Appalled by what he'd done, she agreed to keep him out of prison, but threw him out of her apartment — a fate he accepted as his just desserts, but not without pointing out the hypocrisy of her evicting him while remaining friends with Sonny.
Tracy, meanwhile, was only distracted enough to tolerate Martin's continued freedom because she was busy laying into Ronnie — and then highly offended when the family disagreed with her decision to immediately toss her out on her ear rather than giving her the night to collect her things before heading back to Durham. As tends to be the case with Quartermaine arguments, the whole thing felt like a tempest in a teapot; it looked and felt extremely obvious that this was only happening because it was the best last-minute twist the writers could think of before letting everything settle into its new status quo.
Which was fine, because in the end, Tracy was only alone in the house long enough for St. Gio to stop by and gently make her see the error of her ways. She called Ronnie over, apologized, everyone came back and apologized to her for doubting her when she insisted that something fishy was going on with Monica's will, and there was a big Quartermaine group hug.
It was very corny. And also pretty darn sweet.
Sidwell, Sidwell, Sidwell
After being allowed to fade into the background for the last couple of months, Sidwell's back in a big way. Not only are we finally about to see the results of the election, including his pet project Measure C, but we're also finally seeing motion where Dalton's cold fusion research is concerned. And if all that weren't enough, Marco has suddenly decided it would be a fantastic idea for Lucas to move in with him at Wyndemere — pretty much exactly at the moment Brennan decided that because of his proximity to Marco, Lucas is now the WSB's most important asset and must be aggressively cultivated by Joss.
That's a lot of Sidwell — and I didn't even mention everything yet. Let's back up a bit.
He started the week in Laura's office, where she plainly rejected his offer to work together. Because Sidwell rarely gets upset to your face, he smoothly suggested that everyone has a price, even Laura — which rattled her enough to call Anna and raise the alarm. From there, he went to GH, where he met with Britt in a stairwell so they could continue having the only conversation they have lately:
BRITT: I'm a doctor, not a spy. Don't expect me to play along with Dalton while he tries to find another buyer for his research and leave you high and dry.
SIDWELL: You'll do as you're told or I'll take away your medicine.
This exchange happened twice last week — once at GH, once at Wyndemere — and it was as repetitive as it looks in print. At this point, the writers are only interested in writing Britt as a total asshole or terrified; aside from the handful of times she's reached out to Rocco, she's only ever snarked at people or quaked in her pumps, and that's essentially her relationship with Sidwell in a nutshell. She sasses him, he threatens her, she cowers in fear. It would be nice if this went somewhere.
Fortunately, it appears as though we're about to get some much-needed progress courtesy of Emma, who has finally remembered her quest to take down Dalton — and enlisted most of the rest of the younger set too. Turns out the master key she swiped from Vaughn all those weeks ago was quickly rendered irrelevant because the university was already in the process of installing fancy new keyless locks, and now she needs a fob to break into the lab. Conveniently, she found an instant target in Britt, who she locked horns with (including a funny callback to the Ariel incident) after finding her in Dalton's office. This argument didn't go well for Emma — Dalton put her in her place swiftly and harshly, and not even an insincere attempt to present a peace offering in the form of a triple-shot latte was enough to get her into Britt's good graces.
But where there's a will, there's a way — and where there's Rocco, there's a way to sneak past Britt's wall of suspicion and steal the fob. Of course, Rocco is such a guileless naif that he completely bumbled his first attempt, but he told Gio and Emma that he's determined to try again. Charlotte is also all in; toward the end of the week, she and Emma were plotting to make their move during Laura's big debate against Ezra Boyle.
Sidwell, naturally, was making moves of his own. In a deeply stupid turn of events that I can only assume was timed to coincide with Finola Hughes going on vacation, Anna was chloroformed in her own car outside the police station, tied to a chair in one one of the many kidnapping rooms helpfully located in and around Port Charles, and forced to listen while someone doing a terrible Faison impression told her to be at peace because she was on her way to a new life.
Aren't there security cameras outside the PCPD?
But wait, it gets sillier still. Not long after Anna's abduction, Laura was called to Brennan's office, where he told her he'd gotten a call informing him that Anna had been recalled for a top-secret WSB mission, and would be out of town for an indeterminate period of time. Upon getting this news, Laura made the same face the rest of us did, but for different reasons. She was disappointed and skeptical; we were disappointed but not surprised that the writers couldn't see or didn't care how badly they were undermining the stakes of the conflict they've tried to establish between Sidwell and the WSB. I mean, if Sidwell and his associates can infiltrate the Bureau this easily, and fool an allegedly great agent with nothing more than a phone call, then why would they worry about the WSB at all? Why not just do their thing in the open?
And yes, Brennan did get a call from Anna — or "Anna" — conveying the news, but still. He verified this, right? It wasn't all that long ago that Anna and the WSB severed ties forever, and did so rather messily. In order for him to believe what he heard, he'd at least check with the home base, no?
I know, I know. It's a soap. People are smart and powerful until the story needs them not to be, and vice versa. But still.
Anyway, now that Anna has been kidnapped, who will save Port Charles from Sidwell's schemes? Let's all groan the words together: Sonny, of course. Last week, he and Jason had a long conversation about how they'd purchased some piers in Rochester — a nice real-life nod that did get a smile out of me, admittedly — as a backup plan in case the Measure C vote didn't go their way. There was a gross exchange when Sonny said killing Sidwell would be a last resort, Jason said he'd be ready, and Sonny smiled like the homicidal hypocrite he is, but then they spent the rest of their time together discussing things that were treated like new information even though people in their situation would have settled them long ago.
The gist is that Sonny can't just up and murder Sidwell because it would anger members of his family. Lucas isn't on that list — as Sonny put it, "He used to be family. Now he's nuttin' but a wild card" — but Lucas loves Marco, everyone loves Lucas, Marco saved Kristina from the fire at Charlie's, so on and so on and so on. The upshot is that Jason and Sonny have decided that they need to figure out what Sidwell's plans are and why he wants those piers so badly. They will undoubtedly succeed where the PCPD and WSB have failed, because this is General Hospital, where the cops can't solve a case, the WSB's busiest field agent is a college student, and the character with the most experience in these situations has been knocked out and tied to a chair with no more effort than it would take you to bring your groceries in from the car.
You can see where all this is going. Lucas moving into Wyndemere is a purely plot-driven development meant to put him in danger, which was underscored when we saw Sidwell tell Pascal — who's back and masquerading as his butler — to "air out the north tower" in advance of Lucas' arrival, but to be sure and keep an eye on him, because if he learns too much, he'll need to be dealt with. Sidwell will move on Lucas, Sonny and Jason will save him, Lucas and Marco will both have to grovel before Sonny and admit they were wrong about him. We've seen it happen a thousand times, and it only gets more tired and more depressing.
That's a lot of griping to close out a column, so let me leave you with a silver lining instead: Ava appears to be taking Lucy's place as a potential love interest for Sidwell, and getting her involved in these shenanigans could be one way of making them more fun. Ava knows Wyndemere, she's more than a match for Sidwell, and now that the show has wasted her connection with Ric, she needs something new to keep her busy. Ava and Jordan also have a long history that's been all but forgotten, so dropping her on the board could be a way of increasing Jordan's pitifully minimal involvement in this storyline.
That'll do it for the big stuff. Here come your bullets!
- Sonny told Alexis that Portia is also a suspect in Drew's shooting
- Curtis told Jordan she was right about Portia being pregnant, and they agreed to try again, but slowly
- Elizabeth and Britt had a presumably anvil-dropping conversation about Brad
- Molly, Kristina, and Scout remembered Sam on Halloween; so did Alexis, Danny, and Jason
- Also on Halloween, Felicia, Nathan, Spinelli, and James shared a birthday cake in honor of Maxie
- After seeing Curtis and Jordan kiss, Portia confronted Jordan and vowed that she'd never have custody of the baby
- Curtis jetted Marshall into town for the day so they could meet up at Aurora and talk about Curtis' love life
- Sonny rented out the axe-throwing place so he could feed Turner lasagna and make me feel like swearing off Italian food forever
- Nathan agreed not to push for custody of James… for now
- Portia, who can't go one week without being blackmailed, agreed to help Britt get reaccredited in exchange for her silence regarding the pregnancy
- Alexis hired Felicia to determine Portia's whereabouts the night Drew was shot
- Lulu and Charlotte talked about Valentin being transferred to a U.S. prison; Lulu said she was worried about Charlotte visiting him, and Charlotte correctly pointed out that Lulu would have moved mountains to see Luke in prison
- Carly donned her ridiculous disguise for a return visit to Steinmauer, again completely undetected by her alleged superspy boyfriend, and talked to Valentin about their plan to ruin Brennan
- Jordan speaks French
- Felicia had a deeply strange interaction with Peter Stormare while Stella was home from work playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 7
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