We're somehow already staring down the barrel of another yuletide, which means it's almost time for the residents of Port Charles to gather 'round their televisions for the annual airing of Christina Comes Home for Christmas. But not yet! First, there's an attempted-murder trial, a fugitive manhunt, and the race to decode the final project of a deceased madman. Business as usual for General Hospital, in other words, and although this column does tend to get critical — it's right there in the title, after all — I want to pause here to acknowledge that "business as usual" for GH is better right now than it's been in recent years.
Do characters still do silly, inexplicable things just because the writers can't think of a better way of getting the story where they want it to go? Absolutely. Do stories still meander aimlessly for months? For sure. Did 2025 bring us more than one howlingly dumb decision from the writers' room? You know it. But the show hasn't been dull for the past while, which stands as a vast improvement over the doldrums we suffered through a few years ago.
And speaking of a few years, I started writing this column in the spring of 2023, which means it's been nearly three years since Jenn graciously gave me the space to begin this great boondoggle. I figure there have been somewhere in the neighborhood of 135 columns at this point, which means if I estimate conservatively, I've written something like 275,000 words about GH since launching Critical Diagnosis. It seems kind of insane to see it written out like that, which is perfect, because insane creative endeavors are my favorite.
What isn't insane is my appreciation for your continued readership. The main reason I wanted to start writing this column is basically the same reason I decided to assemble the oral history of One Life to Live — it isn't exactly hard to find writing about soaps, but not a lot of it is focused on the craft, whether we're talking about the efforts of the actors or the narrative underpinnings fueling their characters' actions. I would never argue that soaps are high art, but I definitely think they deserve to be considered more deeply and seriously than they tend to be, and in a small way, that's what I've tried to do here. Your feedback has been great, not just because it strokes my ego to know folks are reading, but because it feels good to know other people are still willing to give these shows the same level of consideration.
Given that 2025 brought us our first new network soap in a quarter century, maybe we're also starting to see the pendulum start to swing back in the right direction as far as the industry's approach to daytime is concerned. At the end of a year that's brought some pretty brutal losses to the GH community, these are all hopeful signs.
Well, that's enough merry mush from me. I'll be back next week; in the meantime, let's get on with the show!
The Quartermaine Queen Reclaims Her Throne
We started the week on a happy note, with Tracy returning home to find Ned willingly accepting a bag of kale from Gio in the Quartermaine kitchen. Immediately smelling a rat, Tracy took no time at all getting Ned to share the news of his heart attack; after giving him a piece of her mind for keeping her in the dark, she helped feed him an omelet and put him down for a nap. This was sweet, but we don't tune in to watch Tracy do domestic — we want to see her kick ass and take names. Fortunately, it didn't take long for her to get back down to business.
After Brook Lynn reluctantly told Tracy that Drew stole the Quartermaine keepsakes and the family had been too busy tending to Ned to take care of it, she called Drew to try and threaten him into submission — and when that didn't work, she called Martin. He might be a good lawyer, but he's got zero spine outside the courtroom, and when Tracy demanded that he either find a way to talk sense into Drew or face felony fraud charges for trying to cheat her out of the mansion, he quickly scurried out and called Drew.
Drew, of course, didn't care. His argument is that as a member of the family, he has as much right to those things as anyone, which is the kind of thing that sounds reasonable until you try saying it to a police officer. The Qs' failure to call the cops on Drew is baffling until you stop to acknowledge that, like a whole hell of a lot of things that happen on this show, it's entirely plot-driven: After Tracy sent Martin running, she went to the kitchen, where she and Michael talked about how she saw him parked on Drew's street the night Drew was shot. Their conversation was observed by a mystery person skulking outside — obviously Martin, who must have doubled back in an attempt to get dirt he could use to protect himself against Tracy.
This will no doubt be revealed next week during Willow's trial, where the prosecution has already rested after reminding us that she was once a firearms-trained Dawn of Day member. I'm betting Martin will go to Drew and tell him he has information implicating Michael, which he'll share if Drew agrees to return the things he stole; after Drew reluctantly agrees, Martin will take the stand and shock the courtroom with what he overheard, at which point I suppose Michael will become the fifth person arrested in connection with the attempted murder of Congressman Cain.
This still strikes me as an awful lot of flapping around with no real purpose or reward, but at least we can be happy that once Michael's turn in lockup begins, we'll be that much closer to finding out who the writers have finally settled on as the shooter. I'm still betting on Willow, but also, I don't really care anymore — which is sort of a tragedy, given that this whole mess started with one of the most cathartic acts of violence I can remember watching on this show. Drew truly sucks, and he truly had this coming, and the aftermath should have been packed with twists, turns, and fun surprises. A real missed opportunity.
On the other hand, I am grateful that this story has touched so many characters that there ended up being over a dozen people in the courtroom last week. Why, even Brennan is involved now…
Jack Does Nothing That Doesn't Benefit Jack
Much as I clown on Chris L. McKenna's Brennan, I must admit that if you're the type of viewer who enjoys the unintentionally humorous side of soaps, this version of the character is sort of a goldmine. Again, I want to stress that I don't think this is McKenna's fault at all; he's just a really awkward fit for a character who's supposed to be a dashing superspy who can mercilessly dispose of people, be suave with the ladies, and talk seriously about top-secret technology without making us giggle.
Last week was a big one for Brennan laughs. With Valentin on the loose, our local station chief is in panic mode. Desperate to turn Charlotte into an asset, but stonewalled by Lulu, he brokered a deal with Nina, agreeing to make the traffic camera footage of Willow disappear in exchange for Nina agreeing to squeeze Charlotte for information about her fugitive father. (This is a deeply gross request, which Nina acknowledged, but there's nothing she won't do for her daughter blah blah blah.) It took Nina all of five minutes to learn that Valentin has contacted Charlotte, but we don't know yet what she'll do with that knowledge; after hearing it, she warned Charlotte that powerful people on both sides of the law are in pursuit of her dad, and she can't trust anyone — not even Nina. Now that the incriminating footage of Willow has vanished, perhaps Nina will decide it's worth it to break her deal with Brennan?
Whatever Nina does next, Charlotte isn't Brennan's sole focus. He's also putting the screws to Britt, threatening to expose her involvement with Sidwell if she doesn't share her research with him; for now, she's willing to call his bluff, insisting that unless he gets her medical license back, she won't cooperate. And finally, as Brennan told Joss last week, he's also trying to locate Valentin's lawyer Barbara Saunders, who he suspects of being a co-conspirator in his escape. And why does he suspect this? Well, because when Barbra went to see her client at Steinmauer, she was wearing special high-tech glasses that destroyed the footage of their visits. Imagine that!
Joss, meanwhile, is now such a great WSB agent that Jason visited her apartment above the Quartermaines' garage in order to ask her for help untangling the mystery of Sidwell and the Five Poppies. (My wife, while happening to walk by during these scenes: "She isn't a spy. She's 11.") After briefly resisting, she told him everything she knows, including Britt being an active participant in whatever's being developed as part of Faison's final project — and then she vowed to dig up all the other information he might need. He told her he'd rather die than have anything happen to her, she told him she was smart and tough and cool enough to triumph over danger, and that was that. There was obviously a lot of silliness transpiring here, but the funniest bit — to me, anyway — happened when Jason assured Joss that no one would suspect her of leaking information to him, because they'd assume it was Britt instead. In other words, in the name of saving Britt from the people making her do illegal research, he's willing to make it look like she's selling them out? Great plan, pal.
Brennan's top recruit blithely agreeing to commit treason isn't a great look for him, but he has even bigger problems — specifically Carly and Valentin, who spent the week bickering in her kitchen before finally agreeing (again) that Brennan's destruction remains their shared ultimate goal. The tipping point for Carly, as if she needed another one, was Valentin nudging her toward realizing that Brennan was the reason she dodged racketeering charges, and that he was cultivating her as an asset from the start. (Much as I hate everything being about Carly, Valentin made a great point: She's the ex-wife of two powerful men and the mother of another, so getting her in your pocket is just good business.)
Needless to say, it looks like things are about to get dark for Brennan. But it wasn't all bad for him last week — he might not be sharp enough to see the vultures circling around him, but he is one of the few people in Port Charles who's willing and able to point out how weird it is that Nathan has his badge back even though no one has any idea where he went during the seven years he was "dead," and also that his Faison family lineage should really make folks a lot more suspicious than it does. Between Brennan sassing Nathan and Anna having his name written down in her kidnapping journal, maybe we're finally about to see an actual story about his return from the grave.
That's it for this edition! As always, I leave you with a pile of bullets:
- After asking Felicia for advice, Emma urged Gio to talk to Dante
- Rocco's case ended with Turner settling for 500 hours of community service
- The Metro Court's patio tables remain a popular dining destination, even in late December
- Kevin interrupted a meeting between Sidwell and Laura, which ended with Sidwell cheerfully threatening Kevin's life
- Valentin eats Fruity Flings cereal
- Rocco shrugged off Dante's post-hearing hug, saying that until Dante's ready to hug Gio too, he isn't interested
- Charlotte and Lulu had a well-written and well-performed conversation about how as much as Charlotte loves Lulu, her home is still with Valentin
- Dante and Gio had a fairly tense but ultimately productive conversation that ended with Gio basically agreeing to supervised visits with Rocco
- Brad returned to Port Charles and had a whirlwind couple of days that included trying to blackmail Portia some more, bumping into Lucas, reuniting with Britt ("come here, you heartless skank"), and getting arrested after pulling a dine-and-dash with her at Cafe Cherie
- Lulu and Britt had it out after Rocco texted Britt and Britt had the audacity to respond
- After spending all his money on renovating the cabin, Isaiah can't afford a complete checkers set
- Carly and Nina fought again
- The Nathan and Lulu chem test continued
- Anna's lunch came with a copy of The Crystalline Conspiracy, the Anna-inspired book Faison wrote when he was masquerading as P.K. Sinclair, complete with a note saying "For my muse - C"
- When Dante said "someone got to" the traffic camera footage, Chase got defensive, asking if Dante suspects him
- Playing checkers with Portia reminded Isaiah of his father, making him sad
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