The thing that makes soaps really special — the way their longevity allows them to tell stories spanning decades and generations — is also one of the things that makes it really difficult to write for them. The longer a character's around, the more outlandish stuff they're going to do and/or experience, but in order to maintain their long-term viability, the writers have to be careful not to paint those core characters into any corners they can't escape from. Now, I say all this fully aware of the fact that daytime has a habit of doing absolutely whatever it takes to extricate fan favorites from narrative binds, and the ends often eventually justify the means, no matter how silly they might be. Still, the point remains; you can't be as casual with your characters' actions on a soap, because you need to think about preserving their utility on the canvas.
I'm bringing all this up now because of the way Curtis and Jordan's car crash has thus far unfolded. The show is trying hard to get us to see it like major drama in the making: Brook Lynn is tangled up in guilt over her failure to stop and help, and Tracy is already complicit in the coverup. Carly might be complicit too, given the way she had Charlotte's car spirited away and magically repaired without hyper-alert Lulu finding out. We still don't know anything about how or if Danny and Charlotte were involved in the accident. Meanwhile, Curtis is angry about the way the other driver left him and Jordan to fend for themselves, Jordan is anguished over the possibility of permanent scarring to her face, and Turner is on the warpath, demanding that Dante figure out who the other driver was so she can throw the book at them.
On paper, it all looks okay, but onscreen, there isn't much to grab onto, because there isn't really any reason for all the angst — at least not as far as we know. What we're being led to believe is that Curtis and Jordan crashed because she took her eyes off the road to smooch him, drifted into oncoming traffic and almost collided with Brook Lynn. Brook Lynn, meanwhile, didn't know she was leaving the scene of an accident as she drove off; she was, however, concerned that she might fail a breathalyzer after drinking a glass of wine, and lose her chance to foster Phoebe in the bargain.
There are some moral dilemmas buried in here, but it isn't particularly soapy. Daytime characters are supposed to do deeply inappropriate things for deeply relatable reasons, not agonize over mistakes literally anyone could make. This is extra exhausting because of the characters involved: Brook Lynn always has some deep, dark secret keeping her up at night, Curtis is forever stomping around town steeped in noble man pain, Turner never met a case she couldn't over-prosecute, and Jordan is so starved for story that the best they can do is make this badass lifetime law enforcement professional sob at a mirror. More frustrating still, there are no villains here — everyone is being written as timidly true to form as possible. It's allowing the writers to preserve these characters' essential functions, but it makes for boring TV.
I do suspect there's more to the story, however, although I don't like where I think it's leading. My hunch is that Brook Lynn didn't leave the scene of that accident at all — I think it was Charlotte's car she almost hit instead, and I expect we'll eventually learn that Isaiah was the one who left Curtis and Jordan for dead, maybe even intentionally. If this turns out to be Isaiah's exit story, I'm going to be pissed; even though the writers have stubbornly refused to scratch the surface of this character's potential, that potential is still there.
I didn't plan on going on this long about my least favorite storyline developments of last week, but now that I have, let's dig into the other major developments, shall we?
Blonde Ambition
Speaking of characters who've lost some of their utility, Joss has really had a number done on her by the writers. Were they really that desperate for ideas that they couldn't think of anything better than having her join the WSB? Whatever the motives, nothing good has come from this, and there's zero indication that anything ever will. She's basically friendless, she has no love interest, and now she isn't even really in the Bureau anymore, although she doesn't seem particularly aware of it.
Joss has essentially become one of those characters whose main purpose seems to be talking about what they have to do and never actually doing much of anything. Last week, this took the form of her bopping into Aurora's pocket-sized "fitness center" so she could try and trick "Nathan" into coughing up information on Faison. Aside from the marginal level of interest that comes from putting characters who rarely interact in a scene together, this was about as dead-end a conversation as you might expect — Joss learned nothing, and after getting snippy with her, Cassius walked away with looming suspicions that he later neglected to share with Sidwell. (Later in the week, Joss spotted Cassius leaving Cullum's hospital room; we'll see if that leads anywhere.)
Later, Joss went to Carly's, where she demanded to see Valentin and not-so-subtly threatened to beat Carly up if she didn't cooperate. This led to a summit between the three of them that ended with Valentin saying he's impressed with Joss' spy skills because she managed to spend a night in the same room with Cullum without him realizing who she really is. I get why Valentin is supposed to feel this way — Joss needed to team up with someone now that she's been iced out by Brennan — but Joss' night at Wyndemere is a pretty lame achievement. I mean, Cullum's big move thus far has been to extort a terminally ill gynecologist into unlocking the secrets of cold fusion; even in the context of absurdly complicated soap schemes, this one is a doozy. This guy wouldn't recognize Occam's Razor if it slit his throat, so I'm not sure it's all that great of an achievement to trick him into believing a lie. Allegedly, this braniac has always been the WSB's "Faison expert," and now Valentin understands why the Bureau was never able to shut Faison down — he was in league with Cullum all along. Along the same lines, now Valentin, Joss, and Carly all understand that Cullum was behind Anna's "breakdown."
Fortunately, Valentin doesn't really need Joss for anything as a partner in his quest against Brennan, partly thanks to his magical ability to roam all over Port Charles without being seen by any of the many people who are looking for him. After agreeing to throw in with Joss, he let himself into Nina's apartment so he could confront her about the way she caved on Charlotte in order to help Willow — a conversation that ended with him saying he'd give her information to feed to Brennan, and vowing to protect her from the fallout. So now the list of females that Valentin has nobly sworn to protect from nasty Jack Brennan and the WSB includes Carly, Joss, and Nina — as well as Willow, by extension.
Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry (for Blackmailing Your Mother)
Willow had herself a pretty busy week, starting with tricking Nina into injecting Drew with his fake stroke meds, then confessing to Nina that she shot Drew and colluded with Sidwell to fake his stroke, and then confessing she'd gotten Nina's prints on the syringe so she could use it as leverage to keep her in line. (Nina, of course, completely understands.)
In classic Willow fashion, these confessions happened with her tear ducts turned on full blast. The difference here, I think, is that those tears were of the crocodile variety; prior to Nina's arrival, Willow rather coldly told Drew that while she didn't want to do what she was about to do to Nina, she didn't really have any choice. The more we see of post-Congress Willow, the more it feels like she's gone around a rather dark bend — one where every action, no matter how rotten, is justified if it keeps her from losing access to her kids.
I honestly don't mind this version of Willow at all. It was actually amusing to watch her sniffle her way through telling Nina that she was actually helping her by blackmailing her, because she no longer had to choose between Willow and Charlotte; the choice had been taken out of her hands. And I actively enjoyed how unhinged she got on Friday after seeing how excited Wiley was to share the grade he got on the spider project she helped him with — she marched over to Crimson, lobbed the increasingly tired "hooker" insult at Jacinda, and told her she was no longer allowed to see or speak to Wiley or Amelia.
Of course, what made it so enjoyable was the fact that Jacinda bit back, leading to one of the most entertaining insult volleys we've seen since Nina called Carly "Ferncliff." If we get an all-out war between these characters, I won't be mad about it, especially now that we know Michael — who walked into the Crimson office and interrupted the fight in the episode's closing moments — is convinced Willow's guilty of shooting Drew, and determined to prove it.
There are all sorts of directions these marbles could scatter in, which is exactly what you want as a viewer. Now that Jacinda's extra motivated to get information out of Charlotte in order to help Michael by getting access to Brennan's mystery gift, will she be able to get Brennan what he wants? And what if the information she gives him contradicts the bad intel Valentin's feeding Brennan through Nina? What are the odds that Brennan ends up getting the drop on Valentin, Valentin tells Brennan what he knows about Cullum and Sidwell, and they team up — at least until Brennan finds out that Valentin's been cucking him while hiding out in Carly's attic?
Let Me Guess. You're Here to Beg for Your Life
Cullum, meanwhile, is still recovering in the hospital, where he spent the week being a dick to everyone who entered his room — with the exception of Lucas, who knows he knows he was partly responsible for Britt ending up on Pier 55 with her stolen meds the night of the shooting. I like this dynamic a lot, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of Lucas at Wyndemere once Cullum returns to Spoon Island, especially now that Cassius has put a bug in Sidwell's ear by telling him there's a gap in Lucas' timeline around Marco's murder. Just think about it: Pascal wailing in the tunnels, Sidwell giving Lucas the secret stink eye while wondering whether he killed his son, and a dance of deception between Lucas and Cullum. That place hasn't been this exciting since the days of the chupacabra.
Britt will also apparently be on hand, now that Cassius has forcibly brokered a truce between her and Sidwell. Cullum isn't fully on board yet, and is demanding that Britt "produce results" before she's given another injection. This vague demand comes at a time when Britt has, by all appearances, been out of her meds since the night Marco died, and given the panicked way she's always talked about having access to them, it's awfully curious that she's still visibly symptom-free.
Aside from antagonizing Britt and butting heads with Cassius, Cullum's main concern is now the investigation into Marco's murder. Cassius has already told him that the evidence doesn't point to Sonny, but it does indicate Marco knew his killer; since this description hits awfully close to home for Cullum, it seems altogether likely that he'll end up trying to frame the man who saved his life for a murder he himself committed. Now that's pretty damn soapy.
Oh Look, It's Another Spencer
There isn't a lot to say about this yet, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Friday's episode included Ethan and Lulu reuniting at Pier 55. He told her he's back in town to see her, which she doesn't really believe — and that's to her credit, because he isn't telling the whole truth. When we first saw him, he was in the middle of leaving a message for someone and telling them he'd be at the pier every day in the hopes of seeing them; you don't have to be super bright to catch the implication here, which is that he has a connection to Delilah, and his arrival spells further trouble for Chase and Brook Lynn's foster family.
That'll no doubt take some time to develop. For now, they're reestablishing Ethan's family connections (he also mentioned spending some time in the French countryside with Robert, Holly, Sasha, and Daisy) while also reminding us of his history with Kristina, which got its first glimmer of renewal when Ethan went to Sonny's house and she opened the door. I'm pretty ambivalent about all this, especially given the haphazard way recent character returns have gone, and I'm not sure Port Charles needs yet another dark-haired thirtysomething white guy in the mix, but I'm waiting to see where this leads before passing any real judgment.
That's about it for the big stuff. Bullet time!
- Ric told Alexis that Danny tried to join Sonny's organization, leading to a funny conversation that included Danny finding Ava's ball gag in the basement
- We learned that TJ is "overseas"
- Sonny and Turner had (mercifully offscreen) sex again
- Ned and Olivia went jogging
- Brook Lynn confessed her sins to a napping Phoebe
- Britt tried and failed to warn Lulu away from "Nathan" in the Brown Dog bathroom while he and Brad threatened each other over drinks
- Willow told Nina that two more people know she shot Drew, and then spent another week doing absolutely nothing about it
- Alexis told Diane that Scout is still over at her house as much as ever, and the two of them agreed something fishy is going on with Willow
- Ava talked Laura into giving Sidwell his precious new helicopter flight path
- Ezra got sassy with Sidwell, who casually pulled a gun and warned him that if he's let go, the "severance package" will be more thorough than he might like
- After getting a call saying Ezra was getting plastered at the Brown Dog, Laura let him sleep it off at her apartment; when he woke up, they bonded over the stress of being under Sidwell's thumb, and Laura suggested that their way out might be digging into why that flight path was so important to him
- Rocco and Danny met Dante at the batting cages, where Danny talked about Jason being taken by the WSB and Rocco looked so guilty you could see it from space
- Carly told Lucas she's cheating on Brennan
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