In March, Wubs and I traded DMs talking about how excellent the show's recent episodes had been, and wondering how much — and for how long — we'd have to suffer as punishment for our good time. Well, we don't have our final answer yet, but for the last few weeks, our show has been mired deep in the doldrums, and it's showing very few signs of being ready to start kicking ass again. Last week was particularly heavy with filler, which is probably another reason I decided to touch grass instead of spending a few hours writing about GH. I don't really understand what's happening with this show right now, and maybe I just needed to clear my head a little before rolling up my sleeves and diving back in. I hope the writers clear theirs soon too.
The Sidwell Situation
In the last column, I wrote about developing a sense for the rhythm of daytime storytelling, and although I don't think I addressed this specific aspect of that rhythm, I want to start this section by saying that most if not all major soap storylines eventually reach a point where they enter a late-stage holding pattern. Big things are around the corner, but for whatever reason, the show isn't ready for them to happen yet, and because the writers understand that the audience has already been waiting a long time, they try to ramp up anticipation a little more by having characters stand around talking about the stuff they've been waiting for.
I'm tempted to say that's where we are right now with all this silly Sidwell business, but I've felt that way before and been wrong every time, so instead, I'll just say that last week, we spent additional hours watching this story's various players have Very Serious Conversations about Things That Must Be Done. Did they do any of them? Of course not.
The biggest offenders in this regard continue to be Carly and Valentin, who have spent what feels like years pacing between her attic and her kitchen, rotating between plotting, flirting, bickering, and having sex along the way. Last week was particularly egregious. In the attic, he told her he'd impersonated Kevin in order to try and get information from the French clinic where Anna's being held; in the kitchen, they argued over whether she was jealous of his past with Anna; in her bedroom, they hit the sheets.
Way back when the show started chem-testing these two, I was optimistic, because I felt like Valentin was one of the few male characters who could stand up to Carly's overbearing personality; what I didn't take into account was the GH writers' tendency to toss a wet blanket onto any romantic spark that manages to sneak its way onscreen. They've definitely done that here. What was once light and enjoyable has grown flat and labored, and while I believe some of that spark could potentially be regained once Carly and Valentin are freed from this interminable storyline, I wouldn't bet on it. I understand that to some extent, the writers are playing the hand they've dealt themselves by turning Valentin into a wanted man, but on the other hand, they've had him skulk around town undetected often enough that they really could do it more if they wanted to. I can't for the life of me understand why he hasn't returned to Wyndemere, for example. He's been hiding in that attic since before Christmas — if he's half as dangerous as Brennan thinks he is, he really should have been able to accomplish more by now.
Speaking of Brennan, he had a pretty bad week thanks to Joss, who continued to pursue her own side investigation into Cullum and Sidwell with all the subtlety one might expect from a Carly spawn. First, she accosted Liesl and intimated that Nathan might have been the one impersonating Faison, and when Liesl told her to shut her mouth or she'd live to regret it, she sauntered off with a little smile on her face, thinking she'd achieved the desired effect.
Poor, dumb Joss. She should have been able to guess that by rattling Liesl, she was sending her straight to Britt — and that Britt, after hearing that Joss was asking questions about a possible connection between Nathan and rumors of Faison's resurrection, would go straight to her brother. Initially, Cassius waved off Britt's concerns, describing Joss as "a ditzy sorority girl," but he changed his tune when she told him about Joss' involvement with the WSB.
Joss continued being sloppy when she let herself into Brennan's hotel room — again, a government bureaucrat would not be living at the Metro Court for months on end — so she could tell him that Carly was cheating on him. Why did she do this? Well, when Lucas told her that Carly has a guy on the side, she immediately realized it was Valentin, and apparently, getting him out of her mom's bed is more important to her than taking down Sidwell and Cullum. The week before, she said this mission is too important to let personal differences divide them; now, she's willing to send everything spiraling in unpredictable directions just so she can blow up her mom's spot.
Duly rattled, Brennan got drunk and brooded on his couch for awhile before heading over to Sonny's, where he stupidly asked for "intel" about Carly. This only happened so Sonny could taunt Brennan about being dumped without knowing it; the first law of GH is that it's a crime to pass up any opportunity to prop up the bantam mobster. But it also gave Carly and Valentin time to make the beast with two backs in her bed, putting them in a very vulnerable position as Brennan let himself into her house and creeped upstairs. When he opened her bedroom door, Valentin was gone, but strong evidence of a hookup remained. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Joss was being confronted by "Nathan," who showed up at her apartment just in time to interrupt her prepping for some sort of black-bag operation, spent a few minutes idly chatting about future workout plans, and then grabbed her arm when she said she needed to leave for her run before it got too late.
Under ordinary circumstances, I'd be inclined to hedge my bets regarding whether either of these situations would lead to real narrative progress, but this week's promos are already out, and we know there's a physical altercation between Joss and Cassius, and it looks a lot like Carly and Valentin will snidely expose their affair to Brennan. I'm unhappy that Joss is the catalyst for both developments, but I've been begging for something to happen here, and beggars can't be choosers, right?
As for the other players in this storyline: Sidwell spent last week wooing Lucy and Ava, while Lucy continued her harebrained scheme to try and extricate Sidwell from Deception by making Ava jealous, or something. This is one of the most offensively stupid things this show has ever had Lucy do, which is saying an awful lot, and it isn't made any better by the fact that it seems to be working. Ava threatened that she'd tell Sidwell to divest himself from the company, while Lucy feigned horror, and Ethan — who was there on Sonny's orders after passing a lame, Ric-inspired "test" by declining a $30,000 bribe to leave town — spied on the whole thing so obviously that a blind Tony Jones could have seen it.
We saw Cullum once, on Monday, in the hospital bed where he's been since the last time GH was interesting. He tried rattling Elizabeth by bringing up her relationship with Jason and intimating that she might have given him medical care on the sly after he hurt his hand, but she's seen worse than him, so she just not-so-subtly sassed him and moved on to other patients. Then Cullum got a call from someone letting him know that Kevin Collins called Anna's clinic, but the call originated from Port Charles rather than Dublin. Cullum immediately called Sidwell and told him to find out who'd placed the call and pay them a visit. This was, once again, on Monday. Did anything else happen with it on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday? Absolutely not! Lord, are these guys lazy about trying to take over the world.
Looking over my notes now, I see that what I've just described is really the only stuff that deserves the paragraph treatment. Yikes! Fortunately, we appear to be on the verge of a more impactful week. Let's cross our fingers together. Until next time, here's a big pile of bullets:
- Liesl gave James a paua shell
- Sidwell and Lucy talked about spending the summer on his yacht — with Ava too, of course
- Britt yelled at Rocco after seeing him peeking in on Cullum's room, but she was interrupted by Elizabeth, who rushed in and told her to knock it off
- Dante told Joss he knows she's WSB, and warned her that any information she wants from him will need to be gained in trade
- After seeing Chase come to Willow's office with a ridiculous bouquet of flowers, Michael hatched a plan to ruin Willow's political career by engineering an affair between her and Chase
- Portia told Curtis that she was with Isaiah the night of the accident, except for when he left on a house call
- Curtis told half the town that he suspects Isaiah of being the other driver, and half the town made a politely concerned face and said "Maybe that's just what you want to think?"
- The Corinthos-Davis House still exists, and Charlie's will throw a big open mic night fundraiser to pay for the construction of some tennis courts on the grounds in Marco's honor
- At Isaiah's request, Kai visited the hospital room of a little boy who will probably end up with Kai's liver after Willow has him killed
- Turner brought Jordan a soft sweater
- Phoebe cries at night
- Willow made a bunch of excuses when Elizabeth suggested getting some eye-tracking devices to help Drew communicate
- Alexis went for a walk in the park
- "Nathan" told Lulu that Britt knows Rocco shot Cullum, and said they need to send him out of town for his own safety; when she said no, he yelled at her, because we need to remember that Cassius isn't exactly the same as Nathan
- Jacinda got closer to getting information about Valentin from Charlotte, but Michael told her he has another way of neutralizing Willow
- Michael shared his Willow/Chase affair plan with Carly, who tried to hide that she'd never been prouder of him
- Brick remains gross
- Molly's going on a book tour, and Cody wants to come
- Brook Lynn offered to arrange an industry showcase for Trina, who has performed one (1) time in public
- A bunch of people gathered at the Savoy to say Michael James Scott's name 100 times
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